24.5.14

Midnight ish!
God love us and save us!
I am in a state of shock.
My last blog told tales of my new heart tablets which could possibly cause dizziness and cos I'm such a wuss i don't want anything nausea related.
I told you how it wasn't too bad. Just a mild delayed reaction when i move my head.
I then mentioned counting sheep etc. Do you remember?
Well i cuddled up in bed, focusing on the window. I do this at night because sometimes my vertigo makes me a bit woozy.
I knew it wouldn't take long, but i dozed off.
Ive mentioned before that sometimes at night i will semi wake up feeling theres something i should have done. Usually in my confusion, i get up, put my dressing gown on and attempt to figure out what it is that i should have done.
I then wake up properly and tell myself to pull myself together and go back to sleep, and stop being a twat.
I only thought the other day, i haven't done that for a while.
Well, ill try and explain what just happened! Its not gonna be easy.
I woke up and realised something wasn't right, so i jumped out of bed (remember, don't move too quick cos of dizziness) and something told me i shouldn't do that so i was gonna die! I really can't recall what it was that i shouldn't have done, but i was extremely aware i was in trouble. So much so that i ran to the bathroom, put my dressing gown on and rang Sam, who was downstairs.
Obviously my panic-stricken voice made him aware of my state. He rushed upstairs, full of concern, to find me sat on the bed, shaking. Almost another rigor! I was almost hysterical. I sobbed and sobbed. He gave me a hug, he's brilliant at hugs.
'Sam i haven't done something and I'm gonna die! What haven't i done? Is it the tablets?'
Or words to that effect!
His response?????
'Wouldn't it have been better to dial 999 if you're gonna die?'
To be fair he looked really worried until he realised his mother is a twat!
Then the penny dropped......i am a twat!
We both laughed at the same time.
But i really really spooked myself. I can't tell you the fear i felt. Even to think back to it now, i can't fully remember what it was about but it was horrid.
It was something i shouldn't have done that would end badly if i did it, and id just done it.
I dread to think what my pulse is doing.
In short, i suppose i had a nightmare, or maybe theres another term for it. A night terror. I may google it today. I have plenty of relaxation time to do it in!

Woken to the sound of pitter patter on my window. Yes its raining again. I don't mind the rain when I'm indoors. I find it comforting, and today is a day where a bit of comfort fits me like a fur stole.
I keep thinking back to Linda and my last chemo. Its upsetting. Yesterday when i told her it had been put forward a week, she reminded me she was away. My response was, never mind, it'll be fine. Thinking of myself initially.  In fact, to be fair, not thinking of anything properly. Then it sank in. She won't be there, the final, what we've worked together for.
For me, thats more than disappointing, far far more. I couldn't have done it without her. I know I've said it before, but i owe her big style.
For her, she's gutted. I can't even find a suitable analogy. She's put so much effort into me and my health.
Ive been trying to think of ways to bring it forward. Maybe if the next 4 were a day early each time? Maybe she could be there on Skype for the last 10 minutes and see me ring the bell?
So, a day of relaxing (deja vu) in front of the tv (more deja vu). I ambled the garden a few times, Ive looked at the garage and imagined myself painting it, and thats about it.
I don't know when these tablets work and i should be able to do a bit more? Soon i hope.
Sam has just made me a wonderful hot chicken and bacon salad. Oh it was divine.
Thats me done for the day.
Hoping for a better nights sleep!!! I shall give myself a good talking too before bed.
Sweet dreams.