12.1.15

Its always good to wake up refreshed isn't it?
Last night, or this morning, i was still awake at 3am.
Tiredness is my enemy. It makes me feel ill, physically ill. And on top of the fatigue.......!!!
So i try to keep on top of the sleep. I take my hot water bottle to bed with me. Its my comfort. Once in bed with the HWB, i throw it to one side cos it makes me too hot!!
So when I'm awake at 3am, it worries me a little. Especially when i have made arrangements for the day.
Todays arrangements are as follows:-
Fun day out with Mary!
She picked me up at 11 and was happy and surprised to see me with my boots on, but my wellies ready in a bag for a beach walk.
She knows me from the past to do silly things, like the time we went off to a farm in Exeter to stay in her caravan. A farm. You know, with cows and things. Mud and manure. It had been very wet wether before we set off.
She was suitably attired in jeans and a warm waterproof jacket, wellies and trainers for when and if it dried out a little.
My footwear was white sandals! Possibly high heels! I probably had a pretty floral dress on too.
Ok. So she was the sensible one. But i think i won hands down in the underwear department.
I wore M&S finest, lacy, good quality, matching undies. She had thermals!!
Anyway. We went to Parkstone Yacht club for coffee first, and a toasted tea cake, and a natter.
Then headed off for the Sandbanks/Studland ferry.
We did the predictable Titanic arms out pose and photo. Well Mary did. Im too grown up and sensible for that!
And before we knew it we were following, and trying to catch up with an old dear who was in the car next to us. She had  sped off so quickly. The blue rinse brigade of Studland, they rock!
We stopped off in the car park and i balanced (sort off) precariously on one leg trying to get my wellies on, and we headed off to the beach. South beach.
There were shells and the day was bright, and there was that lovely ozoney, surfy, salty smell.
Mary did a bit of stone skipping. Some bounced about 5 times but she assures me she's done 10 or more bounces before. Im not convinced!
I can't do it. I tend to have more useful skills!
Old Harry Rocks were clear and we could see the waves crashing round them. We saw oyster catchers with their orange beaks.
As expected Mary did some daft poses for photos. I had a few photos taken, but of course i don't like any of me cos i feel i look so fat!

Mary skimming stones. She doesn't normally look that daft.

A picture of me, not looking fat! 

Next stop was the Pig on the Beach at Studland for lunch. What a lovely place. Just my cup of tea. Very quirky. And look at the floor tiles. Id love them in my kitchen. 

The food was wonderful. We both had locally caught sea bass with purple flowering broccoli and a sauce with bacon. It was so good. Mary had a blackcurrant and lime swiss roll with blackcurrant jelly. I had a chocolate and ale pudding with brown sugar ice cream. Oh oh oh oh, it was something else. Like chocolate velvet.

Then back to the ferry as the weather deteriorated quickly.

We sat in the queue and watched the chain ferry being dragged by the current as far as the chains would allow. Luckily, once on board you couldn't feel the pull.

Then home again, home again, jiggety jig.

And the whole day we talked and talked, non stop.

No wonder I'm so tired now. I don't know whether its the fault of too much talking or being awake at 3am. 

Either way, time for bed.

11.1. 15

Just a quickie!
Normality. its a word thrown about in the circles i move in!
It used to be 'Positivity', but since the decease of my cancer, its now 'normality'.
The goal posts have moved now. My normal was me about 18 months ago. I was 3 stone lighter. I had longish hair. I didn't have a cough or painful joints. No heart wall defect and although cancer is a word that can effect everyone and anyone, it wasn't in MY vocabulary!
My normal now is the opposite of the above paragraph.
I am tempted to buy a few chickens and use the wishbones to try and correct some of the correctable damage.
Or to camp out at night looking for shooting stars so i can make a wish on them.
Alternately, i could try a bit harder to lose some weight. The hair will come in time, and is well on the way. The cough has diminished greatly at the mo. The joints, not so bad really!
The broken heart unfortunately won't mend, but is a minor issue due to its size.
The cancer and its return or the event of a secondary cancer is real, but in the lap of the gods.
So why am i not normal enough?
Its all in my head! Its psychological, mainly.
Obviously the diet is a real thing, and must be done, and urgently. It will change a lot of other things, I'm hoping.
Gosh, in a couple of paragraphs, I've just solved all my problems, on paper anyway.  Forget the chickens and their wishbones, and all the stars in the sky. Its all down to me!
YAY positivity is back!
And YAY normality (albeit a new normal) is back too.

9.1.15

Ive had a blip. A lot of us on the website have had a blip!
As you know, i have a very important job.  Being admin on the hodgkins lymphoma support group.
Well unfortunately a lady wanted to be added, so i did the deed, only to find she finished chemo in july (same as me) after 6 cycles of ABVD (same as me). She had her tumours on the top of her body (unlike me) but she was a 2b (similar to me, i was 2a).
Its back for her!
Suddenly, theres a group of us that finished the same time, same chemo, etc and of course, we all have it back now, in our heads!!!
Every little thing is now cancer!
My tummy's bloated. Its lymphoma.
Im hot and bothered. Its lymphoma.
Im fatigued. Its lymphoma.
Ive broken a nail. Its lymphoma.
We don't sit hysterically dialling the doctors surgery for an emergency appointment. We slowly fester. Anxious. Scared. Rabbit in the headlights!
In reality, we've eaten too much fibre, the heating is on too high, the chemo induced fatigue is still hanging about and we need to eat more squares of jelly for the nail and hair strength!
This is the life of a cancer survivor!
Meanwhile, many end of chemo patients are getting Complete Metabolic Response (i use capitals as i believe it deserves capitals!) as their scan results. Strangely, us paranoid patients don't jump up and down and say, 'Im still in remission too', when we see these comments. See someone relapse - we all relapse!
Anyway, onto more exciting things!
If you're waiting for excitement, you've got a long wait.
Ive been at Chris's for the weekend.
Its been nice.
Chloe's cooked some nice meals. I have sorted a few cupboards. Ive walked the dogs and not succumbed to blisters. Mud, however, is another thing. Unless I'm caked in mud when I'm at Chris's, i don't know who i am.
This morning (saturday) Chris, Chloe and myself went to the Mill at Rode to meet with Catherine and Ellen, my friend and her daughter that I've not had contact with since before 1998.
Oh my word, it was wonderful seeing them. We talked for hours. We laughed. It was so nice. So looking forward to meeting up with them again.
And a lovely evening watching The Voice and sincerely believing we are all judges and have valid points to make, and great experience in the music business. Im sure we're not the only ones!
The log burner has been roaring all evening, and log after log has been placed on top of the previous pile of ash. The temperature of the room has been that of Mexico on a hot day! Blistering heat. Making my bedroom, with the radiator in the off position permanently, and the window slightly ajar, similar to Iceland minus the geysers and the volcanos.
Tomorrow sees us with our usual roast pork and crackling cooked by Chloe and then i will wend my weary way home to some sort of peace and tranquility.
My previous panic of 'its back' has now become a panic of the past, no doubt it will rear its ugly head at some other time, but for now 'its back in the box'!

1.1.15

Theres nothing worse than seeing friends on Facebook  having a fun time when you're not!
Before chemo i had quite a good social life, since chemo, nobody invites me any where! Isn't it weird how that happens? Maybe its cos they don't know what to say, where in reality, they don't need to say anything.
Luckily i booked work cos i knew i would be sat indoors twiddling my thumbs watching nothing good on TV.
Luckily by the time i finish work tomorrow morning, it will all be over and i can continue to be a misfit without the fear of a bank holiday party for my friends for a while. Don't get me wrong, i don't wish to ruin their fun, i just don't understand why I'm excluded these days.
I seem to be enveloped with fatigue at the mo. I do push myself to do chores that don't really need to be done, so I am trying.
I hoped to start swimming this week. I feel if i swim/exercise, things can only get better! My only worry is how much water will be left in the pool when i get out!!
And I'm worried as to whether i can get to the pool, let alone swim in it. Not because i don't know the directions, i must add, but cos of the fatigue.
Finances are a problem too. Ive been on 6 months of sick pay and I'm not happy to pay £4.40 for a swim, if all i can do is 10 minutes of splashing about!
Whinge whinge whinge!!!
This is turning into a very negative blog, which I'm surprised at. I finished chemo 5-6 months ago. I thought by now id be back to normal. Dr Jack told me id be back to normal by 3 months (i think). Linda told me today, he had said 6 weeks!!! He's is being sectioned as we speak!
I went for my doctors referral for exercise to the leisure centre today.
It cost me £10 to have my induction!!! I thought this referral was spotted to save me money!!
I stayed for a swim. It should cost £4.40 but with the referral, or the life saver/money saver as i like to sarcastically call it, i paid £2.60.
So 10 minutes in the pool, 6 lengths and I'm lighter. Not in pounds and ounces, pounds and pennies, £12.60's worth!
So if i continue with swimming, 3 times a week, it will cost me £31.20 for 4 weeks. £31.20 for 2 hours swimming, unless i find some strength to stay in there longer, which i hope to do.
But what i did find out.....if i pay £25 per month for a year, i can use the pool, gym (not bloody likely), and attend classes (for when i get some strength, motivation and inclination) whenever i like!
I feel really disappointed. The doctors referral is supposed to help people like me to return to health and fitness, with a concession cos we're special! In reality, you certainly get it cheaper if you do pay as you go, but there is a cheaper option but you have to sign up for a whole year of £25 pm.
Why did i ever think i would get something that was specially there to benefit me, and people like me?
So, 10 minutes of splashing about, and a beach walk with Linda and the doggies.
Drove to Mudeford and let the dogs out. Loki is a nightmare. He just runs off wherever he wants to. No amount of calling him makes any difference. He will be on the extendable lead next time. Ruby and Dottie 'play fought' all over the beach, almost tripping Linda and i up more than once. Ruby decided she was gonna yap at any other dog, and she did. Loki decided to do a poo, and not wishing to lower the tone with toilet talk, a bit was hanging from his little bumbum. Having no tissues on me, i used a receipt that was in the bottom of my bag. It didn't work, it just made a mess. I ended up in the sea holding onto my poor baby and rinsing his botty off.
Needless to say, it wasn't a nice relaxing walk, it was stressful.
We returned home for a coffee instead of the coffee shop on the beach. Next time i go for a dog walk to the beach, i will leave the dogs at home!
A bit of titivating of the hair, a smear of lippy, and a whiff of perfume and i was ready for my hot date, which i haven't mentioned yet.
Yes i have a hot date this evening with Jeremy. He seems quite humourous, and bright. He's balding =  virile. He does fund raising = kind. He wears glasses = vision problems and therefore may not notice i am fat and balding myself!
They say things come in threes.
1. trip to leisure centre was a disappointment.
2. beach walk with the dogs was a disappointment.
3. hot date was a disappointment.
He was very pleasant and interesting. But just not my type. Not that i have a type. I do tend to like haematologists though!
Lets hope tomorrow won't be a disappointment.