Friday 28 February 2014

28.2.14

Guess who was singing along to the radio on the way to work last night? Yes me! Thats always a good sign.
Its like someone flicks a switch inside me. One minute yuk, the next minute, fo shizzle ma nizzle!
Don't get me wrong - I'm not about to run a marathon, but hallelujah I'm feeling better.
So work's over till tuesday morning.
I walked the pups which i really enjoyed, the sun was nearly out and the girls ran around like loonies.
A nice bath and washed the thinning hair! I don't think it will be long before i resort to shaving and wearing a wig. Its so weird to comb your hair and a load of it falls out. Im wondering what i can do with all the fallen hair? Maybe stuff a cushion? Or put it in the garden for the nesting birds? Or being the creative type that i am, maybe i can use it for scrapbooking, or weave it into a knitted hat?
Then a visit to Linda for a cuppa tea. I can't sing her praises enough. She fits me like a glove. She allows me to be what i am, feel how i feel. She was something special to me BC (before cancer), but now........ i can't describe how i feel about her. Im lost for words.
So cup of tea, piece of cake, but no appetite to eat it, and a chat and a giggle and i was worn out. So home for a rest.
I even managed to change the bedlinen, something I've wanted to do for a week but wasn't up to it.
So fresh bed, a fish cake and tomato sauce for lunch (i know, but its what i fancied!), and now time to relax.
The thing I've found with well meaning people, is that they want to tell me about all the people they know, or have known, who have had cancer and how they've died! Even gruesome details sometimes. I don't take offence, it makes me smile a little. Its thoughtless, thats all. But they do mean well. Why they would think just cos i have cancer i would enjoy being told of so and so's brain tumour that killed him, and his son, and a friend who suffered badly at 'the end'?
And those that have been through chemo find it good to 'tell me the truth'. Its like, 'this person has cancer, so she's strong and can cope with the sh*t I'm about to frighten her with'.
Don't spare my feelings! Don't take into consideration that everyone is different, and just cos they had a problem, doesn't mean i will have it. Ive been told by negative worrywarts, it will get worse each time, good days will become few, it will build up, i will have a sore mouth, i will lose my libido, i will lose my hair. I may suffer all of these things...... but i may not. It really doesn't help being told negative things. Its ok to be told, 'i suffered from this when i went through it,' but it is definitely not ok to be told, 'you will suffer from this.' Cos no one knows what each person will go through.
I find if you tell me something negative, i will worry about it and make myself feel ill, so when it happens, abracadabra, i suffer the negativity.
So people - traps shut. Ok?

Thursday 27 February 2014

27.2.14

Not finding much humor today.
Im definitely on the up, and I'm sure tomorrow will be much better, but still feeling slightly nauseous, and exhausted.
Even worse, I've managed to put 4lbs on and I've hardly eaten anything!!
Thats the only consolation of being sick, you may have lost weight. And i put it on!!
Maybe tomorrow. Today i have managed to eat, 2 digestive biscuits (my early morning anti sickness routine), a banana, 2 teacakes with butter, an apple and a bag of ready salted crisps. And the crisps are about the only thing i could taste. I have dinner to have yet if i fancy anything.
My mouth feels numb and throbs, not painfully, but weirdly. Im hot and cold all day long. But at least I'm on the up.
By next week, i will be singing and dancing, eating normally, and wondering what all the fuss was about.
Thats all folks!

Wednesday 26 February 2014

26.2.14

Hello from the sick bed.
Im spending the day lounging until its time for work tonight. Im actually feeling a lot better after chemo Number 3 came like a hurricane, flooding the fields and battering down my fence panels. If only it was as easy as to ring my insurance company and get them to fix the problem.
It all went very well at the time. I chatted with Dr Jack and told him about the cancer hotline issues that i had last time. He seemed rather annoyed by it to say the least. I hope that nurse gets reprimanded. Im strong enough to cope with her attitude, but theres a lot of people out there that wouldn't be able to. This is referring back to a previous blog around 11th or 12th feb.
Dr Jack listened to my chest and said he could hear some crackles so i have to have respiratory function tests done again. My white cells have recovered very well thanks to the Filgrastim injection.
Following my reaction last time, the rigor and vomiting, it seems i may be having a reaction to the bleomycin, one of the cocktail of drugs.
It wasn't long till after the bleomycin i started to feel tired.
A nice lady called Jenny came into my room and gave me a nice foot massage. Really enjoyed that. Had a nice ploughman's for lunch, me Linda ate my cheese and biscuits!
I really noticed a difference this time. I wasn't as much fun as usual. We normally have a giggle, but i didn't feel like it this time. Hope i feel better at the next one. I have 9 more to go yet!
Got home about 3.30 and i decided i was going straight to bed to sleep it off. The bleomycin had different ideas. I had the shakes, not as bad as last time, and i was sick, but only just. I had nausea. And my temp was bouncing around like a jumping bean. I rang Dr Jack and he agreed with me its just a reaction to the drug. He asked if id like to stop it!!! I thought he meant the chemo. I was thinking, 'Surely not?' But i think maybe he just meant that particular drug. Im sure we will discuss it more next time. Maybe have some steroids to help with recovery.
But today is another day.
Im feeling better and i know each day will be better.
Its nice knowing i have so many friends sending me messages, although i didn't have the energy to reply to them all last night.

And finding things like this on your doorstep when you get in from the hospital is really nice. Thanks Linzi. xxxxx
Anyway id better go and have a bath, wash that chemo out of my hair.

Monday 24 February 2014

24.2.14

Hellooooo
Im back after a day away from my blog. No real reason except i was busy visiting my son and didn't get home till about 7pm and then i had to watch Dancing on Ice, or Dancing with Mice as i like to call it. I could actually take part in that but with a rat rather than a mouse.
Yes i can still hear them scratching about, and when i have the energy im gonna sort them out, good and proper.
Had a lovely time with Chris yesterday. We talked non stop - well to be fair, probably i talked non stop. We laughed about people who are idiots! There's a lot of them about, and certainly in Chris's world there are more than plenty. Mostly in the social services department who are hell bent on ruining his career. You'd have thought, if everyone else in Chris's life can see that he needs 24/7 carers, including professionals as well as friends and family, that social services could see it too. After all, they are the experts!!! If id have been drinking tea when i wrote that sentence, id have sprayed it back out again. They are the caring profession. Spray it again!!!
We had roast lamb and then banoffie pie. And then i drove home for a restful evening in front of the TV, with Ray Quinn in particular. I liked him when he was in X Factor, i liked him when he was in Dancing with Mice before, and i like him even more now. He seems like a nice man as well as being such a talented singer/dancer and now ice skater. He seems to skate effortlessly and he gives me goose bumps. Thats not something i can say about many men! Philip Schofield is another one tho! I really need to get off this subject and talk about something productive.
Well today was pre-chemo bloods. Me Linda accompanied me to the hospital and we saw the usual nurse who takes my blood. We always have a giggle with her, nice lady. And very good with a needle and syringe. Then we decided to go for coffee somewhere. Driving back towards home i did a detour and we drove to Sandbanks. Cafe Shore. Lovely atmosphere there. We ordered Eggs Benedict each and a black tea and cappuccino. £24!!! I didn't really pay much attention at the time, but i will be ringing them in a bit to see if that was correct. It was lovely tho.

Then we sat in the summer house with a cup of tea and the heater on and had a damned good chat.
Now i need to visit Mr Sainsburys to fill my cupboards with all the things that may, or may not take my fancy over the next few days following Number 3.
Im really starting to see a pattern here. Its all about the food.
The other exciting thing (other than Sainsburys), its Rock Choir tonight, with a little bit of Mr Blue Sky and How Deep is Your Love. Ill be seeing Jenni, i do have a nickname for her, but I've forgotten what it is!!! This chemo brain thing is not good! I love seeing Jenni, she always puts a smile on my face. And of course all the other girls and boys.
Now then, wheres the shopping bags? Chocky cake? Ice cream? Crisps? The list is endless.
Ta ra peeps.


Saturday 22 February 2014

22.2.14

Ive had a lovely day. Its my 'good' weekend before number 3.
I walked the dogs with Linzi today. It was nice walking in the sun and not the rain.
On the way back to the car tho, i found my reading glasses that i lost 2 weeks ago!!! How weird is that? Covered in mud, and god knows what else - it is a dog walking area. They have been sanitised now and are ready for use, even tho i bought 2 new pairs during the week to compensate for my loss.
Then home for some brekky and a long soak in the bath before being picked up by Louise for lunch at the Captains Club at Christchurch.
As we waited to be seated I was just explaining to Louise that i went to a wonderful wedding there last year, when the bride (on a hen do) walked past. There are always so many coincidences in my life - its quite spooky.
Sat down and ordered food, they were very slow with the order. But did a good bit of people watching while we waited, as well as a lot of chatting.
I managed to see a school friend who sent her love to me via another school friend that visited me last week. Haven't seen her for years. Another school friend who i can't remember the name of but i recognised him instantly. And then, oh my goodness, a man who i went on a date with last year whilst on my trail for Mr Right. I remember i quite liked him until i sent him a message on the website the following day asking how he was. He obviously didn't realise who i was and started telling me he'd only been on the site a few days and had not met anyone yet. He liked my profile and thought i sounded very interesting. I couldn't help but giggle to myself - yet another ar*e. He argued black was white when i told him i had met him the day before. He assured me he was playing games with me, but i was having none of it. He texted and texted me for ages after, but i just lost interest. It didn't help that he told me his wife had thrown him out of the marital home and he had no idea why. It turned out he had had an affair - although he didn't class it as an affair!
It was not a surprise to see he was there with his old mother and not his new lady. Or was it his new lady...........?
This evening has been spent quietly, relaxing with my girls, popcorn and Tom Jones (the Voice), and dipping in and out of dating websites.
Tomorrow i will be visiting the boy (Chris) and all of his dogs. I must remember to not wear my best gear. Roast lamb is being cooked in my honour.
Now I'm off to bed to count sheep, hopefully not the one i will be eating tomorrow!

Friday 21 February 2014

21.2.14

Good evening.
Its nearly the weekend. Time to party!
Well i think thats exaggerating a bit but i have managed to fill the weekend with nice things prior to number 3.
I have a friend round tonight. Tomorrow I'm doing something with either Louise or Phil, not sure what and who yet. And then sunday roast lamb with Chris and Co.
So what excitement did i have today?
Marisa the Rat visited today. Yes I've been having problems with the rodent population. I had similar problems last year just after i moved in. The dear people i bought the house from decided it best not to tell me about the problem. I used to hear a rat the size of Nelly the Elephant running round the outside of my bedroom upstairs. He/she also wore hobnail boots. I don't like to kill anything but had no choice. Marisa came round and poisoned the dear little soul.
Maybe its karma. Maybe thats why I'm being poisoned every fortnight? Just a thought.
Well the stench in the kitchen was awful for about 3 weeks. It must have come down to the kitchen for a couple of panadol for its headache and was despatched under my floorboards.
Well again, i have visitors.
Marisa called round and had a check round the property and can't see where they could get in, so she's decided they're coming in from the drains!! A more costly exercise.  It means a cctv camera being inserted into the drain to find any damage and then fix the problem. Could mean all the floors up. But should stop the patter of tiny feet, albeit tiny feet with Doc Martins.
I also decided it was high time i wash my hair today. It has started to drop like the leaves in autumn. At the moment its thinner than it was and possibly looking better. Usually i have fairly big hair, a bit like Justin Lee Collins. But i think by next weekend i may be wearing a wig. More Joan Collins and if she can do it, so can i!!!
Anyway, better try and make my curls behave a bit before friend arrives and takes pity on me.

Thursday 20 February 2014

20.2.14

Hot date today!
Got myself dolled up - which means i didn't wash my hair cos if i wash it too much its more likely to fall out. A bit of slap. Best bib and tucker.
Met Jim and he's very nice. We chatted for nearly 2 hours with no awkward silences. It was nice to exchange chemo stories. Sounds like he had a horrid time with his chemo.
Its nice to be able to moult loads of stray hairs on my coat without a strange look. It seems feasible that he understands, being he's been through it himself.
Not sure when we'll get together again cos i have chemo next tuesday and I'm out of action for the following week, slumbering on the sofa with daytime TV, the remote control, a hot water bottle, a blanket and I'm thinking a bell would be good to ring for Sam if i need something. He'd love that!
Maybe the next week, all being well.
Now I'm back at work. My last night this week.
The weekend is jam packed with meals, company, outings, etc before number 3. I may even allow myself the luxury of washing the hair that I've managed to keep hold of.
Ive tried hard not to think of Pete (the boyfriend up til a couple of days ago), but can't help wondering how he's doing. I hate the thought that he's in pain and turmoil. And i do miss our twice daily conversations on Skype. But hey ho, its not to be.
Time to chill.
20.2.14

You know when you're on a diet, everything revolves around food. What you're having and when, any exercise is booked into a tight lifestyle. Clothes are thought of. Shall i wear black? Will that dress fit yet? And of course, 'does my bum look big in this?'
Well its similar for cancer and chemo. You have to plan things and give them more thought. I can't book that in next week cos i may be feeling rough. I need to take a days holiday cos thats chemo day. I need to wear something so they can get to my veins. I can't get into my jeans after all the steroids. I need to eat savoury food and make sure its either cooked or peeled.
Well its also quite strange that you forget things very quickly about chemo. In week 2 you forget how rough you felt. You forget the fact that you felt like you'd had a mouth full of salt all night giving you a strangely numb feeling. And that your teeth ache, very mildly, but they ache all the same. The headache. I suppose its your bodies way of coping and allowing you to start the next cycle without too much stress. Chemo brain helps you to forget it all.
My treatment plan is that i have 6 cycles of chemo. A cycle is 2 doses of chemo over 4 weeks. 2nd cycle starting next tuesday.
After my 4th dose (2nd cycle - its all so confusing. Why don't they just say you have 12 doses?), i get to have another PET scan. I have to wait 2 weeks after chemo and then i have to wait a week for the next chemo. Are you keeping up with all this? Im gonna ask questions later!
Well anyway, thats when i find out if the chemo is having any effect. Or better worded, what damage the chemo has done to my lymphoma!
Then i go on to cycle 3 - nearly half way through.
Its amazing how quickly it goes, and how our body copes with it.
After treatment is over and god willing you have a good result, you still have to be checked regularly. 3 monthly to start with i believe, and it carries on for years, which is good.
I think what I'm trying to say is, like the analogy to dieting, where you have to live with a food lifestyle to keep the weight off, you have to live with cancer in some way or other. You have to be vigilant without being paranoid. You have to plan things accordingly. A holiday booked in to fit with your next appointment or scan. You have to realise its had some effect on your body and you won't necessarily be able to do things you did before. You have to realise you won't get the support from all the lovely friends as you did when you were going through it, its unreasonable to think people will give you the amount of time and gifts you receive over your diagnosis and treatment. You will possibly get depressed or down after such a high feeling of being told you're in remission after the roller coaster that you've just been on.
This all seems quite daunting, but considering the amount of people who get some form of cancer, we should all learn that its not always as bad as you think. I know some people have a bad prognosis, and thats awful. But its something we should take on board is part of our lives. Its a normal these days. Positivity is good, and for me its been a help. Being nice to people is a must, no negative comments are necessary. This applies to people who aren't ill as well as to people who are ill. Its much nicer to stroke people rather than hurt them.
I really don't know where all this has come from this morning, but what I'm hoping is coming across is the fact that we should all try and live our lives to the fullest and be nice to each other.

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.  ~Author Unknown


Wednesday 19 February 2014

19.2.14

Part 2

He sent me a message after hours of waiting.

Hi jilly read all what you have written and again it makes me sad  that you said you love me, please dont say that, i dont think i want to ever love again, i know what your saying and it makes me feel worse not better.
I am sorry its turned out like this but i know its for the best i cant give you the things you want and need.
I hope your not feeling too bad after your treatment, but try and forget me I am not worth it, I am cold and unloving inside
I want my wife back and it isnt ever going to happen, and like i said to you before it isnt fair to you telling you how i feel about my wife
Dont fight for me I am not worth it

How sad. He's in a dreadful place and i feel for him, but theres nothing i can do to help him. I just hope he finds some peace. I would wait for him, but i don't think he'd ever come back to me, he would probably feel to guilty for letting me down. He doesn't feel that way now cos he's in his own little snake pit of depression. But when he comes out the other side, he'll have guilt. Poor poor man.

On the positive side......
I decided to go back on the dating website to take my mind off my pain. I thought no one is gonna want to date a baldie (I'm not yet, but it seems imminent).
The first person i saw was a man i chatted to last year. We messaged each other a few times but that was all.
He is in remission from a blood cancer!!! Snap.
Started chatting and meeting him for coffee tomorrow. Who knows what will happen from this, but I'm not thinking about that. It will be nice to have a coffee and chat.

Off to bed. I need my beauty sleep.

Tuesday 18 February 2014

19.2.14

Sorry i missed a day again.
This time there was a good reason.
I feel so sad.
I have spent my life looking for a nice boyfriend. And last october 13th i found one. He's so lovely. Intelligent, wonderful sense of humour, caring, full of empathy, and a wonderful protective father.
We chat twice a day, 7am and 10pm, and we txt during the day sometimes. I see him most saturdays. He comes round, we go for dinner, then we sit with a bottle of Prosecco in front of the tv on my cuddle chair and we chat and giggle and kiss and cuddle. Its been lovely. He's put such a smile on my face.
I know its been difficult for him. He reluctantly told me about the horrendous time he had last year when his wife died. I feel for him and his family.
Since we've been together he's had even more bad family news. But i didn't realise how bad he was feeling. He never said.
Not last weekend, but the one before, we had such a wonderful weekend again. When he left i felt really happy and looked forward to the next time of seeing him. He was gonna send my Valentines card, cos he forgot it.
I received it and it put the biggest grin on my face.
Since my chemo its been every other weekend that I've seen him cos of various problems I've had to endure - I'm not gonna name names, but constipation etc!!! And i didn't want him to endure it as well!! If you get me?
But imagine to my horror when he stopped talking to me.
I imagined everything. He was depressed, a family member was in trouble, he was in hospital, he was found hanging!!! My minds list was endless.
Well after sending him txts asking if he was ok, he replied with ' No I'm very sad about everything and not in the right frame of mind to chat, sorry.'
Well at least i knew. Id give him some time and wait for him to feel a bit better and we'd carry on the wonderful times we have together. We even talked about a holiday after my chemo.
I continued to send supportive txts. But yesterday i received a letter through the post. My heart sank. Here it is...... Dear John, or the female equivalent.
It was a nice letter saying how he was struggling badly with the loss of his wife, and how he couldn't bear to see me suffer. He knew i was putting a brave face on things but he knew i was having a hard time. Well if you've read my blog, I've put the things i have found problem with, but its certainly no tale of doom and gloom. My journey has been enlightening, albeit id rather not go through it, i have had some fun along the way. And in a strange way, its almost been cathartic.
Well he didn't say its over. He said he didn't want me to hate him and what would i think of him. Well of course i don't hate him. Im very understanding and tolerant, despite my blog about becoming intolerant! Thats with phone calls and drivers etc, not someone who's been through the mill and back.
Well i txted him immediately to set his mind at rest. I suggested we find coping strategies. I said i didn't want to lose him. All the things we share, the good times.
I sent a longer response on Skype which he said he would read, 'but its not that simple'. I presume that was in response to my txt. Well that did it. I realised it wasn't gonna be easy to talk him round.
So at 3am i sent another round of artillery on Skype.
I have no idea if he read the first message and i don't know if he's read the second. If he has, he's not told me. And he certainly hasn't replied to the bit when i said, 'please let me know if we can be together or not!'
My gut feeling is - its over. He can't cope with it. But if I'm not in his life, will he feel better? I doubt that, not cos I'm blowing my own trumpet, but cos we had fun, and if you have fun it lessens your pain a little.
So i apologise for the lack of humour in my normally humorous  blog, but the sentiment just isn't there today.
However, tomorrow, normal service will be resumed. I promise.

Monday 17 February 2014

17.2.14

Just realised i haven't visited my blog today so I'm here rushing to fill the page with some witty, interesting stuff!
Well I've got a prime subject to talk about.
Forgetfulness!!!
I have noticed BC (before chemo) that i was forgetful and i had a habit of blaming it on the menopause. Im sure the dwindling hormones were the cause of my inability to retain anything of any importance. But strange how i could remember every little bit of an argument i had with my boyfriend!
Well now i am able to blame it on Chemo Brain. Apparently its real. All the poisons they're pumping into my body in the name of survival, is knocking off my brain cells so much that i forget the simplest of things.
For instance, i was gonna do a long list of the things that I've forgotten since i started, but strangely, Ive forgotten!
See what i did there?

Sunday 16 February 2014

16.2.14

Good Afternoon.
Its a beautiful day.
I have walked the doggies, and I've been to me Lindas for a cuppa tea. I love it that she thrusts bickies, choccy and other goodies on me when I'm round there. Ive been offered soup and cheese on toast today as well.
Ive also been offered roast chicken from Linzi and Simon today but I've given it a miss cos its week one. Week one is when I'm feeling wishy washy and no energy to do anything, so i declined. But so nice of them to offer.
The reason i went to me Lindas house was cos her little darling Kerrie was looking at my PET scan disc (the scan i had on the 22nd january) on her laptop. It wouldn't open on my Macbook.
Wow, it was amazing. I make out where the cancer is, but its there somewhere. I would put a pic on here but unfortunately i wasn't smiling when they took the snap! I didn't breath in either!
I had a bath and washed my hair when i got home. Why comment on that, i bet you're wondering? Well the last few days I've found my hair running for the hills, and i was worried about blocking the plug hole. But I've done it. Combed my hair very very well, removing any strays before i got in the bath, and there were plenty of strays! So the hair i have left is thinner and smelling sweetly of coconut. I hope i don't start to look like a coconut soon!
Now I'm chilling, again.
Its week two on tuesday and I'm surprised I'm feeling good already. Don't feel so wishy washy any more.
And my dinner is nearly ready - Saucisses de porc à la tomate.  Yes pork sausages with ketchup. Another one of my cravings.  Im easily pleased.

Saturday 15 February 2014

15.2.14

Just a quickie today cos Sams on his way back from the supermarket with lots of goodies that i may or may not fancy over the following week.
Ready salted crisps, curry ( was gonna make my own using a sauce and chicken and rice, but don't have the energy so it will be microwavable, sad isn't it?), ice cream, some popcorn of the sweet variety for during The Voice this evening, cheese, a cadburys creme egg,  and a white towelling turban so i don't have to tie my hair up (not a good idea if hair loss is imminent) when i get in the bath. This is the excitement of the day.
I have managed to walk the doggies today.  The reason i have omitted this chore a few times during the week is not cos of my health, but cos of the weather.
I am still feeling a little wishy washy but I'm hoping for a great improvement very soon.
I have noticed however a fair amount of hair on my lap after i have combed it in the mornings and sadly i can report my eyelashes look a little thin on the ground, or even on my face!
Oh just heard his car door.
Catch you later.

Friday 14 February 2014

14.2.14

Happy Valentines Day!!

Not feeling the love today. I can't say i feel awful physically, although i have just taken headache pills, and my teeth and mouth seem to be aching. And worse still, i have a horrid taste in my mouth, that even a huge box of Valentines chocolates wouldn't help, if id been given some of course!
And even despite me taking extra precautions, the constipation has arrived wearing her best hat!
I have however, received a nice card from the boyfriend, and some flowers from Lyn and daffodillies from Linzi.
Lyn visited me this morning armed with flowers, antibacterial hand gel and some laxatives! Bless her. She enjoyed a cup of tea whilst i settled for a cup of boiling water cos tea just don't taste like tea anymore.
And poor Linzi is suffering from a nasty bug so has kept her distance, other than to leave a basket full of daffies.  That girls got a good heart. Get well soon Linzi.
The other exciting thing i have to mention today........
I have received the forms to attend a drivers awareness course! Yes I've been flashed. It was the day after my first chemo. I was driving to work in the evening and i was feeling nauseous and felt the need to get to work quickly! I was allegedly driving 36 in a 30mph zone.
Now i know its not a good idea to speed, but when you feel sick, its almost like a reflex that your foot goes down heavier on the gas.
You may wonder why I'm working if I'm feeling sick, let alone working after chemo. The reason is.... if i don't work i get statutory sick pay which is approx. £60 pw. Cancer and in debt,  i don't think so!!!
It says on the awareness course forms to state dates you cannot make the course. The space they left for the answer is no where big enough. One week in every fortnight I'm out of action, the following week i do 3 nights. I had to telephone to mention it and actually, to be fair, they were very helpful. Im not sure how they will react when i rock up with a bald head and vomit bowl tho!

Thursday 13 February 2014

13.2.14

Good afternoon from Mrs Intolerant.
Thats the thing I've really noticed since having this flipping lymphoma. Im so intolerant. I can't say i was 100% tolerant before, but I've got a darn sight worse.
For example, on the car radio. If the dj is rabbeting on about something, i feel the need to swap channels, and when they repeat the same thing over and over........ i could murder!
Oh and when you see people being interviewed on the TV and they laugh for no reason.......
'So how long have you lived on the flood plains?'
'I moved here about 5 years ago, hahahahahaha.'
Why laugh?
In fact I'm intolerant about loads of stuff at the mo. The Kleeneze man called for the catalogue that he put through my door last week. Ive lived here for 9 months. Ive never ordered anything, yet he still gives me a catalogue. Sam actually threw it in the bin earlier this week!
Well i was in bed, being intolerant towards some chavs on Jeremy Kyle, and the door bell went. I rushed down stairs, nearly tripping over the dogs and opened the door to Mr Kleeneze.
'Ive come for the catalogue.'
I think the look i gave him was enough. He backed off saying, 'thats fine' when i almost shouted, 'I have no idea.......'
I think he'll think twice about calling at Number 65 again.
And of course, the nations hate........
The phone rings. You pick it up. 'Have you been missold a PPI?'
And theres always the lunatics on the road. Do you know, the other night on my way to work, the safety conscious driver in front of me actually stopped at a traffic light whilst it was still green! I know you have to think ahead, but thats ridiculous.
I know i hadn't been diagnosed with lymphoma at the time, but the door bell went, i rushed downstairs, barefoot,  treading in a dog poo on the way (bless the little puppy), limped to the front door and opened it a crack so the dog couldn't escape, to find a suited gentleman standing there with a copy of the Watchtower in his hand.
He smiled warmly. 'Can i ask you? Is Jesus relevant today?'
As i held my festering foot aloft, i heard myself say, 'Really? Absolutely not.' And again, a look to wilt a dandelion. And I wanted to say, 'unless he has a packet of wet wipes!'
I think I'm more intolerant on my first week of treatment, the second i tend to chill out a bit and don't get too phased by situations.
So today how do i feel? Other than intolerant!
I feel tired and weary. I have no appetite. A horrid taste in my mouth all the time. And very slightly headachy.
I look forward to tomorrow with the chance of feeling brighter.
Speak to you soon.

Wednesday 12 February 2014

12.2.14

Oh woe is me!
I had chemo number 2 yesterday. It went so well. Had roast chicken for lunch, lots of giggles with me Linda. A different nurse, Liz and she was equally as good as the last one. They're so helpful and make you feel so positive about it all. Wonderful people.


I finished the chemo at 1.30 and had to wait till 3 for my injection to stimulate my bone marrow to make more white cells as my count was low. So, we decided to walk into Poole to the health shop to get some special shampoo and conditioner. Apparently its best to have Ph balanced shampoo without harsh chemicals, and don't wash your hair so much, don't rub your hair or do anything stressful to it. I also bought some clothes etc and had a cup of tea and cakey in Marks and Spencers.
On the way back to the hospital i started to feel tired and realised i had maybe over done it a little. By the time i got back to the ward, i felt washed out. 
Had my jab and was ready for home. I did feel remarkably exhausted and was keen to get home and relax.
At home I refilled my hot water bottle, and sat on my chair with my blanky (how old am i?). Tv on the bakery programme. But i couldn't settle. I was shivering and shaking. I remember Liz telling me i was having hydrocortisone which stops the fluey feeling that one of the chemo drugs can give. It obviously wasn't working. 
I then realised i was feeling nauseous. More than anything, i don't like that feeling. I dashed to the loo and was really sick. Looks like the anti-emetic hadn't worked either. 
I thought id better ring the cancer hotline. This is specially for chemo patients if they have any worries at all. The nurses tell you this over and over so you know you always have some support.       I spoke to a nice male nurse, and gave him the whole story. Anyone who knows me, knows i can't just give a brief outline. I have to tell the whole story including the pattern on the curtains!!! He advised me to take 2 of the anti-emetic tablets and if i continued to vomit i could expect a visit from a district nurse who would give me a jab. 
After half an hour i started to feel better. I was even joking with my friend Mary (also a district nurse) when she phoned to ask how i was feeling.
Onwards and upwards. I started to feel a lot better, although still exhausted. The shivering had stopped. 
I decided i ought to take my temperature. If i have a temp, i have to phone the hotline and theres a possibility i would have to stay in hospital and have antibiotics. It was 37.5. I was advised to ring the hotline. Spoke to a nice nurse who said if it spiked to 38 to ring again and i would have to go in to the hospital to be treated.
Took it 15 mins later and it was 36.7. 10 mins later 37.5. The thermometer was bleeping and going, and i was feeling there was a problem with it. I noticed last time i used it it seemed to be inaccurate.  What should i do now? My thermometer seems to be broken. I need to get treatment if temp goes up. It seemed to me the logical thing was to call in to the hospital and get my temp taken so i could either be treated or go home to bed and buy a new thermometer the next day.
I rang the hotline and left a message telling her the 'whole' story, and waited for a reply. Nothing. Now i know they're busy, so i waited a while. The message on the hotline says if we don't get back to you, try again, and if we still don't get back to you, ring the ward. So i rang the hotline again and apologised for ringing again but wondered if i could come in and have my temperature taken. No reply. So i rang the ward and spoke to a lady who didn't seem to know what to suggest other than take your temp in half an hour. I pointed out, again, my thermometer is broken. She went off to speak to somebody else and came back to me. I can't remember exactly what she advised but i had an answer for it and she went off to ask advice again. Then the 'somebody' she was getting her advice from came on the line and said abruptly, 'Can i help you?' I told her my story and realised it was the nurse who advised me to ring when my temp reached 38. 
'I told you to ring when your temp was 38, 37.5 is fine.' 
I explained the broken thermometer. 
'Well buy a new one then!'
It was 10.30pm, where would i get one?
'They sell them everywhere. Even Tescos. We can't come to your house to take you temperature!'
I replied that i hadn't asked for that.
'We are a ward here and if i have to keep talking to you i can't be looking after my patients!' or words to that effect.
I replied, 'I'm aware of that, i used to be a nurse myself. I was just asking if maybe i should come in and have my temperature taken so i can either go to bed or be treated.'
'You don't want to come here unless absolutely necessary because we have bugs here!'
'So if my temp was 38, what would happen?'
'You'd have to come in to be treated. You're obviously panicking about this and getting yourself in a state!'
'No, I'm not panicking, or even upset, i just wondered whether i should have my temperature taken as I've been advised its dangerous to get an infection and not treat it! But don't worry, i will send my son out to buy a new thermometer and i will wait until it is 38. Im sorry you feel I'm wasting your time, but i was told i should ring this number if i had any queries.'
'Yes you should, but I've already given you advice and told you to wait till your temperature is 38.
Do you feel unwell?'
'Not so much now, although i do feel hot and flushed. Ive been sick and I've been very shivery, so much so that i was unable to dial the number on the phone when i rang in earlier.'
'Oh you've had a rigor? And you vomited? You never told me you had a rigor!'
To be fair, I've forgotten what I've told whom at that stage. But i know i told the male nurse when i first rang in. So it should be on my notes.
'Don't worry, I will go and buy a new thermometer, don't worry about it.' At this time i was frustrated, amazed at her treatment of me, surprised that she was thinking i wanted her to come to my house to take my temperature, and a whole load of other stuff going round my head. I was gobsmacked.
'No, no, no. I think you need to speak to a doctor!!!'
She then softened and became very pleasant and warm. She commented on my thermometer, 'Oh so you bought a posh digital one and it still doesn't work?' She was my buddy all of a sudden.
The doctor rang me at 12.15am.  He asked me what had been going on. My temp was stable at 37.5 so he said i should be ok and not to worry, but if i had any worries - yes you got it - RING THE HOTLINE! I told him i felt unable to do this and explained what had happened this evening. He said he was very upset to hear this and i am not a paranoid nuisance and i can ring the number whenever i like and not to let anyone make me feel like I'm wasting their time.
Since then i slept really well and feel a lot better this morning. My temp is 36.7. And all is well with the world.
Im shocked by it all. I feel I've been let down by the hotline. I could have done without all of that rubbish.
All i wanted was my temperature taken!

Monday 10 February 2014

10.2.14

Been to see my new friend Nigel today. Yes, the same gorgeous, dark skinned, hot, Nigel, with the very tight trousers showing off his beautifully firm thighs. You remember, the one who sold me a car the other day.
I had to have my bloods taken this morning ready for chemo tomorrow. Chemo number 2 of 12. So on the way back i arranged to collect my new car, FiFi.
My side kick, Linda, came along with me, as she's done all along through my examinations and treatments so far. We pulled up at the garage, both quiet and pensive as we awaited our appointment with Nigel. Why do i sigh every time i say, 'Nigel'?
We walked towards his desk, and as soon as he saw me, his face lit up. He has a smile that makes you feel like you are the only person in his life. Yes a very good salesman!!!
We sat opposite the desk as he carried on with the paperwork. Linda and I both sat quietly watching his full lips, his sparkling eyes. Occasionally he would get up from his desk. Both of our hearts raced.  I watched as he walked away. His thighs bulging in his tightly fitting trousers, Linda commenting on the size of his feet!!! And then he was back, smiling, eyes twinkling again.
The deal was done.
He walked me to the car and i gasped at her beauty. She's so pretty.
"Do you have your phone?" he purred at me. "Lets get into FiFi (yes, he called her FiFi!!!) and do some connecting!"
Oh my lord. Me in the drivers seat, Nigel in the passenger seat. He made comments about my lovely picture of the valentines day cookies i made on saturday. "They look gorgeous."
I wonder if i should make him some?
"There. We've bonded," he said as he gave me one of his smiles and looked into my eyes. "Do you think we should get married then?" I asked. "I think we should," he replied.
He showed me how to use the address book on my phone. "Is my number on there?" he twinkled.
He showed me what all the buttons and switches were for and asked if that was all ok?
"No" i replied. "I think you should stay with me!"
"In the back of the car for if you ever need me?"
Meanwhile, Linda was outside of the car, looking very envious.
He leant over and very gently brushed his full lips against my quivering lips.......
Actually that bit never happened, but it did in my head!!
He disappeared from my life and Linda and I drove out of the garage, homeward bound.
Ive told Linda he had his hand on my knee, she's gutted!!
Anyway, down to reality. Ive got Chemo number 2. It sounds a bit like a song and dance, Mambo number 5, but i can assure you there will be no singing or dancing tomorrow.
Tonight however, is RockChoir night. I can't wait. Ive missed 2 weeks. Tonight were singing Mr Blue Sky, which should be quite cheerful. I really can't wait.
Then bed ready for a full on day tomorrow of cannulas, steroids, anti-emetics, and poisons.
Let the cycle begin again!

Sunday 9 February 2014

9.2.14

Good sunny morning to you.
Still very windy, it blew a hoolie all night. But its not raining......at the moment anyway.
Decided this fine day to take the dogs for a walk before languishing in a hot bath. I found my mud splattered, dog walking clothes that id hidden in the wardrobe whilst the boyfriend was visiting, and stood in the patch of sunlight that shone through my window, enjoying the warmth on my skin. The sun reflected off the mirrored wardrobe doors giving me a double whammy of 'summer feeling'.
Oh holy mother of Mary! I hadn't noticed before now. A huge tarantula stood there in pink underwear, staring at me, open mouthed, shocked and disgusted. The hairs on her legs sticking out menacingly, like a cactus. The sun dancing on the hairs provocatively, shouting 'its summer, get your kit off!' Then i realised, this was no tarantula, it was me.
I have been told I'm not to have any hair removal treatments whilst having chemo. Ripping hairs out of my pores potentially leaves me open to bacteria which could make me ill whilst i have very few, if any, white cells to fight for me. My only option is to shave, or wait for the chemo to kick in and kill my hair follicles and hope they kill the ones on my legs, bikini line and underarm.
I could wait forever for the chemo to do its best on them, and shaving will leave me feeling like Desperate Dans chin. I think i shall leave well alone and wear leggings!



Saturday 8 February 2014

8.2.14

Hi y'all.
Just to let you know I've had a busy day making shortbread hearts covered with fondant icing and chocolate for a certain someone for Valentines day. Wont be seeing him onValentines day, so tonight's the night. Im cooking him dinner and then i'll present him with these babies.


I found the best recipe i could on line, did the shopping and got all the ingredients and I've spent all morning making them, cooking them and decorating them. They have little bits of freeze-dried raspberries on them and they look really pretty. The trouble is the taste! Ive had one or two!!!!!! They don't taste of anything. Ive been trying to think what I've done wrong. Its sposed to be the best recipe. I used all the best ingredients.
In the end i decided to try them out on Sam, my middle son. He says they're lovely!
How many times do i have to go through eating stuff and thinking its tasteless, only to remember  5 minutes after........My taste buds don't work!
Anyway, gotta dash. I got a hot date.

Friday 7 February 2014

7.2.14

Id like to apologise for missing a day. Luckily its for good reason. Ive had nothing of any interest to write, not cos I've been ill!!!
Yesterday I worked in the morning. Actually i worked tuesday wednesday and thursday night duty, but i don't count that as work cos i get to sleep most of the night. So thursday i worked in my treatment room, sugaring, hair removal and gellux nails. I enjoyed it cos its a bit like a coffee morning, but without the coffee! Coffee was offered,  but refused. Maybe trying to drink hot coffee whilst laying down on a couch isn't such a good idea.
Then my oldest son arrived armed with a homemade lasagne and with a dose of humour for me. We had a giggle.  Is there such a thing as laughter therapy? I think it should be available on prescription.
I do have one little problem that I'm loathe to talk about but feel its my duty.
Remember a few blogs back i mentioned how i was having difficulty 'going'? Now I'm having difficulty 'not going'. Maybe its unintentionally self induced by taking too much of the medicine that i was prescribed. But its all a learning curve.
I will be more aware when my next chemo comes around.
Today has been another good day. I went out with Linda this morning and bought a car! I do not intend doing this after every session of chemo, i might add.
I have been whinging and going about my car for far too long. I like something different and the one i have is so boring. So what have you brought i hear you all shout.


This is my new Ford Fiesta Titanium. Possible to be called FiFi. She's so pretty. I pick her up on monday if they've finished beautifying her. If not, thursday. Its something to look forward to after my chemo. 
The other thing to look forward to when i return to the garage to collect FiFi is .........Nigel. Beautiful, dark-skinned, friendly, hot, Nigel. Linda and i both sat dribbling while he encouraged me to buy this insurance and that insurance. He asked me for my phone number. Linda assures me it was just a formality. I think its just sour grapes on her part!
Then a visit from Tracy, an old school friend. Well she's not that old really, same age as me! She came bearing gifts. Beautiful tulips, some lovely smellies for a soak in the bath and lemon muffins. She also found some photo booth photos from the school era which she decided to bring and frighten me with. "Im gonna put them on Facebook." Which is the unfriend button?
The day was finished off by me doing a food shop. Yes i have the energy to do the food shopping at the moment. Its great. And so nice to be able to arrange to meet Linda at the supermarket for a cup of tea. "Where are you?" I hear her sweet voice on my phone. "Meet me by the entrance."
I stand and wait, watching the flotsam and jetsam go by. 
Shame she was at Alder Hills and I was Castle Point. The best made plans and all that.......


Wednesday 5 February 2014

5.2.14

As a girlie I've spent my early teenage years onwards being interested in hair and makeup, clothes and boys. No different to todays girlies.
But it is different. Today they have so many more pressures. Not natural pressures, man made pressures. The ones that encourage them to be perfect. Perfect boobs, perfect hair, perfect clothes and makeup, and those unbelievably ridiculous eyebrows and eyelashes that are fashionable at the mo.
Why can't girls look like girls any more instead of looking like blow up dolls?
I saw a documentary a few years back where the boys were given 20 photos of boobs. Only one photo was of a natural pair. The rest were all silicone implants. Not one boy chose the natural pair as his favourite. They all went for the 'perfect' pair.
The girls who are unable to look 'perfect' have such low self esteem, leading to pain and suffering, mental illness, and a life of upset cos they're 'not good enough'.
The reason I'm blogging about this was something i saw on TV that hit a nerve.
I think it was Lorraine Kelly on GMTV doing some article on flat stomachs, exercise, bikini diets etc. I like Lorraine. I think she's a decent person. But she has to do what is popular and 'en vogue'. Thats what she's there for.
So much effort is put into looking good. I know we all have some pride and want to do our best, but people are going the extra mile these days for everything. Why should tv stars and presenters have to indulge in cosmetic surgeries just so they can stay looking good enough for TV. If they have a wrinkle, God forbid, they're thrown on the scrap heap.
Ive already mentioned the eyebrows and eyelashes, but theres nails which cause problems. Filing down nails to put chemicals on them cannot be good for you. Filing the chemicals off again till the nail is smooth is definitely not good for you. Yes they look lovely, if you like completely unnatural looking nails.
Hair extensions, stripping, dyeing, treatments, straightening, curling, perming.
Teeth are another one. Whitening, brightening, straightening, veneers. I can't help but think of Ross on Friends when he over whitened and they shone so bright when the lights were off.
Botox. Who in their right mind would inject poison into their face to paralyse muscles? Lots and lots of men and women. All so they don't have wrinkles or any expression. And the recipients are getting younger and younger. It used to be women of 50 something. Now its teenagers.
Surgery. Face lifts, boob jobs, nose jobs, butt jobs, and various other surgeries. All to make ourselves perfect. Perfect for who? The opposite sex? Ourselves?
All of this stuff includes the use of chemicals. What causes the rising numbers of cancer these days? Many causes. Genetic, diet (maybe chemicals in the diet), being overweight, smoking (chemicals in cigarettes), the sun, radiation, to name but a few.  Im no expert but I'm sure some of our problem is from using unneccesary chemicals. And what are the young people of today encouraged to do? Use more chemicals.
So maybe we should be spreading the word. Instead of worrying about a flat stomach, and trying to squeeze into that little black dress, or getting an itsy bitsy bikini. Instead of making our nails look perfect or ironing away a wrinkle or two, we should be trying to hold onto the hair that is likely to fall out when we have chemotherapy for our new cancer. I think thats far more important than a flat stomach.

Tuesday 4 February 2014

4.2.14

Today i am attempting to do something I'm not used to doing. Its very technical and i don't hold out much hope. But i'll give it my best shot.
I am feeling happier. The 'eagle hasn't landed' yet, if you get me!!! But for some strange reason I'm feeling better. 
Monday night for me is Rock Choir night. Its a night full of fun, singing, laughter and meeting with some great people. Jenny Deacon is my Rock Choir leader. She's amazing. She's makes me laugh, she makes everyone laugh actually. She's spontaneous, and open. She has a lovely voice and she's so talented, and she's not too shabby in the looks department either! She's one of the reasons i go to choir. The other reason is Jenni, another Jenny but with an i! She's young enough to be my daughter, but i have the same mental age as her, 14! No actually she's in her 20's but she acts a lot younger. She also makes me laugh and i sit next to her at choir. If i didn't sit next to her i may not be as keen to go. And she knows this cos a few months ago i didn't sit next to her and i got in a strop! Jenni is as gorgeous as Jenny, and i know they both model themselves on me!!!
Anyway, Rock Choir has made me happy for the last couple of years. I go there and sing my heart out with me Jenni, and we do concerts and raise money for charity. For the last 2 weeks I've been unable to go to choir cos I've felt ill. Jenni sent me some clips of them singing with her own little bit added to it, which made me laugh out loud, followed by a sobbing session!! I quickly played it again and laughed again. Last night she sent me some more clips. One ended with 'boom shackalacka thats how its done mother f***er'. She always manages to make me smile.
Next week I'm hoping to go and sing. 
Today i feel a lot better so i thought id sing a bit. I know it frightens the dogs a bit,  but i throw caution to the wind.
So i managed to record myself and I've managed to download it onto my blog. When i click on 'publish' though, I'm not sure it will work. So fingers crossed.


Monday 3 February 2014

3.2.14

I really feel i have to tell you what sort of a weekend I've had. Its not gonna be pretty. Make yourself a cup of tea and pull up a chair.
Constipation.  I didn't wanna talk about it. I thought i could ignore it on my blog. But if I'm gonna be honest, i have to go there!
I was hoping by last friday i would have recovered from the chemo enough to carry on with my life until the next lot, due on the 11th feb. However, the constipation fairy must have been on holiday cos she wasn't here to help me.
I noticed that i was going 'that way' and tried to take steps towards damage limitation. The steps had an effect, but not a good enough effect. I felt myself getting more and more bloated as the days went on. It was as if someone had turned off my digestive system. Its given me an awful headache which has also led to my teeth aching.
It seems this is a regular visitor to people going through chemo. I wish i had been made more aware. It was mentioned when i had chemo, but in a way that suggested its a possibility, along with nausea, vomiting, headaches, feeling exhausted, hair loss, anaemia, skin and nail changes, memory loss, etc etc etc
Ive tried to do my bit. Drinking lots of water, eating veg, and trying to be as mobile as possible. But to no avail. I have still succumbed to the bowel devil.
So last night, OMG. I hit very hard rock bottom (do you see what i did there?). Not having visited the smallest room for at least 24 hours, i found myself feeling nauseous, my head was banging, and i didn't know what to do with myself. I took myself to bed, intermittently putting a hot water bottle on my tummy and then taking it off again cos it made me feel worse. I was up and down to the loo, not to sit on, but to hang over. Maybe if i was sick id feel better. But i couldn't even do that. I eventually fell asleep and woke at 2am. Feeling a fair bit better, but wide awake.
Today I and my constant antagonist, Mr Headache, have visited the GP. She has given me some 'stuff' to help. I have taken the stuff and now await its result.
I do apologise for this topic of conversation, and i hope you have already had your breakfast.
I have had a couple of ginger biscuits for my breakfast cos I'm petrified of that full bloated feeling that I've had since last monday. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Sunday 2 February 2014

2.2.14

I thought of something funny just now!
Im sposed to be a bright intelligent person!! But how many times do i see a magpie and salute it? Ive even got to the point where i try to do it so no one notices what I'm doing. A little flick of the hand as i look furtively around to check no one's seen. Thats more for the benefit of my sons, and the oldest in particular. If I'm driving and i salute a magpie, Chris slowly turns to look at me as if i have escaped from the nearest nuthouse. The look on his face can make me wish the ground would open up. For goodness sake - he is the person he is cos i taught him, and yet he looks down on me as if he is my father. Ive changed his nappies - yet i feel like a silly little schoolgirl giggling over a boy.
Well, as i was saying, i thought of something funny. I was walking the dogs the other day and i saw a magpie. I searched around the area looking for magpie number 2. They always come in 2's. If i only see one, theres a frantic dash round to find its partner. Cos we all know what one magpie means?
One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for a girl and
Four for a boy.
If i only see one, its trouble. I will spend the next 20 mins wondering what beholds my fate. I only worry for 20 mins cos by that time I've forgotten and move onto the next exciting thought to enter my head. My concentration span is not what it used to be.
I clock number 2. Hallelujah. I check to see theres nobody around, and i salute both of the black and white crows. My work is done. I can relax and enjoy my walk safe in the knowledge - Ive seen 2 magpies!
I do enjoy my dog walks. I get to think about things in a relaxed fashion. My cogs whirr whilst i walk and i sort out some of the issues in my head. Like the indigestion i have. Maybe i should mention it to the doctor next time i see him, or my back ache, which seems to be better at the mo. The fact that i feel bloated, which is so uncomfortable.
I walk from the woods up to the large green field where the dogs usually run manically. More magpies. Again i start to count. I have to go through the rigmarole every time i see one of the blighters. One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl and four for a boy.
Oh holy mother of Mary. I don't have lymphoma, I'm pregnant!

Saturday 1 February 2014

1.2.14

Pinch and a punch for the first day of the month. 
Happy february. I can say that cos I'm feeling good today. Good maybe exaggerating slightly but everyday I'm feeling a bit better.
So what am i gonna whinge about today? Nothing. Im feeling happy. The sun is shining (although not for long apparently), I've walked the dogs, I've had a cooked brekky. I know, i said i wouldn't today, but food has become a bit of a crutch for me. When i eat, i feel better. I wonder what all the psychiatrists and psychologists would say about that? All to do with my upbringing no doubt, or maybe when i was in the womb.
The other thing I've realised is that if i sat on my bum all day i feel worse. When i get up and do stuff i feel better. Im thinking of combining the two. Walk around and eat all day, simultaneously.
Now I'm feeling a bit better I'm gonna do a few chores. Not the everyday chores that we all do, I've had to do them anyway unless i can convince Sam its in his best interest to do them for me. And to be fair he has been a great help. But today i am gonna climb a mountain! No not something covered with snow with clampons scattered about, Mount Filing. It will make me happy to know i have no loose papers flapping about my filing cabinet. I also have a vase of flowers from Sharon and Chloe that are still going strong that need a few tatty ones chucking out.
So before i change my mind, I'm gonna go do my chores. 
In a while, crocodile.