25.10.15

Just felt i had to blog to tell you how I'm feeling.
Its amazing. Ive moved on from my bad news! Hey, how did i do that? I was full of tears and fears a few days back. Of course I'm worried about having the scan and biopsy, but I've talked myself into, what will be, will be, and ill worry about it when i get there! I must be superwoman, this isn't normal. And also, if I've got lymphoma again, and i have to have treatment, such is life. Go me!!!
It beats that 'rugby ball in the guts' feeling, and the tightness around the neck and shoulders.
And this weekend has been such a good one. Sad its over really.
Saturday was spent having breakfast with a group of friends, followed by afternoon tea with Chris. And then a few hours of X Factor.
Sunday, i performed in a concert at the BIC. I sang a duet with Steve, Something Inside so Strong.

Then another breakfast with the choir girls, and what a view whilst we ate. Such a gorgeous day.

Then back to my house with Kim before travelling to Lyndhurst for a Russell Watson rehearsal. And that was amazing. There were many times we sounded so good. The sopranos are something else. Gave me goosebumps. Roll on tuesday for our concert with Russell. We would like to be the best choir that he sings with, but i bet they all want to be that. Ill let you know!

So a day of fun and laughter. Lisping to Something inside so strong with Becky and Jo. Singing opera in the car on the way to the rehearsal with Kim and Caroline, at the top of our voices. The common denominator for me feeling happy....singing. Oh yes, and eating too!

Well thats all for now. I have to go. I have more contestants to choose for X Factor. Ive picked the same ones as Simon Cowell and Grimmy. Cheryl's mucked up tho! I gotta help Rita now. 

Catch you later. 

22.10.15

Hello I'm back from my holiday. It was lovely. So warm, with blue skies. A bit chilly in the pool but i splashed about most days whilst squealing with the cold. I was treated like a princess. Lots to eat and drink. Lots of excursions. Kevin and Marion are lovely people, so caring and thoughtful and generous and i could go on forever.
But I'm back now. Back to reality.
And so i wait........
I wait and i wait......
Waiting to hear something about the MDT meeting that was on friday.
Home on sunday, nothing monday, nothing tuesday.
Wednesday i rang Dr Jacks secretary. She's not had the referral she was waiting for!
I telephone the GP and they sent the referral on the 7th......... to the wrong hospital!
To cut a long story short, referral was received today.
Im not worried. Dr Jack said it was nothing, just enlarged glands. And my raised ESR is nothing particular, even tho its the highest its ever been recorded for me.
So just before i left home for work, Dr Jack rang. He asked about my holiday, we discussed Sangria and Prosecco, midges and my bitten to pieces ankles!
Then down to business.
The glands are small, too small to biopsy, but there are quite a few and they are newly enlarged! Worry.
They are in the similar area to my previous lymphoma.
Worry.
They are along my spine, and surrounding major blood vessels which makes it difficult to biopsy.
Worry.
So we're gonna wait 4 weeks or so for them to get bigger, then we're gonna CT scan me and whilst I'm in the scanner, the radiographer is gonna attempt a biopsy cos he/she can see where the needle is going as its gotta go through muscle etc (and probably a bit of fat too! although this news has made me lose my appetite and the diet is going well!)
Worry.
Although there is a chance by the time I'm scanned it could have cleared up and done one!
Wonder what the likelihood of that is? Wonder what the chance is that this 'blip' is nothing but a freaky moment?
Right now I'm fearing the worst. And I'm fearing a stem cell transplant after high intensity chemo to kill my immunity!
To say I'm scared is an understatement. Im watching Live at the Apollo and every so often i laugh at a funny bit....then i remember and feel sick again.
Luckily i have the Lymphoma Support group there to give me support and a few virtual hugs. And my boys and Chloe have been very sweet, even Chris, considering i told him the cells from the first born are usually the best match for a stem cell transplant! And then i have a few friends that are trying to keep me positive. And of course, Dr Jack.
So, onwards and upwards. I hope to god its all a storm in a teacup, but what will be, will be. Que sera sera. C'est la vie. Just one thing........please leave me with hair this time!!

07.10.15

Ive been trying to sort out some travel insurance! Not an easy task.
Because I've had an MRI on my spine and I'm awaiting the results, they won't give me any insurance.
So an appointment made with the GP to find out that I've got a knackered old back!
What a shock tho!
It turns out there are multiple small lymph glands in the same area that my lymphoma started. A moment of stunned silence followed by the feeling of a knife in my chest.
Luckily it didn't take me long to 'snap out of it' and think up a few excuses.
1.  Scar tissue
2.  Infection
3. Wrong reading of a scan

Pick one, ill be happy with any of them!
I sent Dr Jack a text hoping he would turn up in shining armour on a white horse.
Instead he texted back to come the the Harbour Hospital at 5.15 on friday afternoon.
So i did.
'I don't think its anything to be worried about.'
He said he'd take some blood to check my ESR and he will try and compare the MRI and my last PET scan.
He used a latex glove as a tourniquet and he drew blood himself. He informed me he's taken his own blood before, cos he's a real man! He did a flipping good job, no bruises.
So off i trotted after a fun filled appointment, happy with his comments.
You know what I'm gonna say, don't you?
He sent me an email today saying my ESR has gone up to 62, its normally 25-50.  He's still got to compare scan results at the MDT meeting on friday morning and then he'll decide if i need a PET scan to check things out.
I could do without this stress. I wouldn't mind if when i was stressed i stopped eating and lost weight, but no, not me.
So here i am, flying to Spain tomorrow morning, with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel quite worried cos i know it means a stem cell transplant if I've relapsed.
Fingers crossed.

10.09.21

It only seems like yesterday i was starting chemo, but it was 21 months ago. Even tho at the time, it dragged, its also whizzed by.
Ive become aware how negative my life has become. Not completely negative. Im a positive person. But when i compare my conversations from before diagnosis and now, theres a lot about health issues.  Cancer has become a large part of my life, its never far from my mind. And lets face it, i have plenty of alone time to stew over it.
In some ways I'm very proud of what I've been through and how i coped and managed it all. It wasn't a walk in the park! But in other ways i hate that my life has negative patches that weren't there before. And its nothing i can 'move on' from as a friend suggested the other day. "Maybe you can move on if you leave the support group!' To say i was stunned is an understatement. I had explained what the support group was for me. People who had been through the same or similar who were able to empathise and understand fully. They are my first port of call for support when i have any issue with regard my health. They are amazing people. My family are my second port of call. Friends my third port of call.
So to leave the group and 'move on' just doesn't figure.
I know people don't want to hear negativity and they want things to go back to normal, but it doesn't work like that. Id love to go back to normal, but this is normal for me.
It has changed me. Im a different person.
Living with the knowledge that you're now at risk of a further cancer because of the chemo. That the cancer you had could return - thats why you have 3 monthly check ups. Its not just for a catch up with your oncologist.
Of course thats not exclusive to me, as I've been told by a friend. Others also worry about getting cancer, but once you've been through it, its with you forever. Its like a life sentence with no parole. But its how you deal with it. I think i deal with it pretty well. Im not depressed, nor do i spend any time crying over what i went through. I try to get on with my life and not let it stop me doing things that I'm able to do. I laugh and joke about it most of the time. But its always there.
So today is rheumatologist day. I am hoping nothing is going to be inserted, anywhere! A feel of the spine or the joints is ok, but come near me with anything metal and sharp, or covered in KY jelly isn't gonna work. Not today please! A nice gentle massage or a pedicure.
Well she was very nice and understanding. Nothing was inserted and I've been referred to the scan department for an MRI of my spine. So that'll be fun!