Saturday 5 March 2016

6.3.15

Happy Mothers Day!
As a special mothers day gift to myself i am starting a new blog. This one will be closed due to aliens. The new one will be the same, but different!
If you would like a link to the new one please email me at jillfirmin@hotmail.co.uk, or message me on Facebook, send me a text or ring me, or just plain ask.
You are all welcome (although not if you're an alien!) and i appreciate your continued support.
See you on the bright side.

Wednesday 2 March 2016

28.2.16

Escaped from hospital, thanks to my partner in crime. He was fab. He gave me a hug when i had an unexpected sob. He brought me hot cross buns and pineapple! We sat and had a good moan, both of us. We have a similar type of head.
First night at home. Chatted with Jane for a bit, mutual virtual hugs to each. Chris and Chloe checked up on me. Then time to relax.
I decided to watch the Voice. Fell asleep about 4 times so gave in to the temptation and slept like a log.
Woke this morning not knowing what I'm supposed to do. What drugs? Anything i should be doing? Soon got my head in gear.
Made coffee, had crunchy nut cornflakes which for some unknown reason had no taste, took tabs, and chilled. Decided to attempt the Voice again.
It made me very emotional, so much seemed relevant to me, but it brought me back to positivity. So I've had another coffee, and had the cheese and biscuits i brought home from hospital. Golly, gee, wow! They hit the spot. Cheese, thats the thing. I need cheese. Mature of course. Maybe some goats cheese with red onion relish. I have gone from a bit low, which i think is normal after 5 days of being attached to chemo, and then being sent home, to cheese! Sounds ridiculous doesnt it?
Answering an SOS, Lyn has got me more crackers, cheese and butter so I'm all set up.
So I've been home a couple of days now and not feeling much better. Mild nausea, headache, fatigue, pain in the tummy (possible tumours shrinking?). Ive spent more time in bed than i should, but its the most comfortable place.
Ive had more messages that i could do without which really upset me, but if it means ill be left alone and not upset further, i will ignore it.
Now to inject some humour! See what i did there?
District nurse could recognise i had no need for any pricks at all, but unless he was capable of the 'immaculate injection' that would be impossible. But instead of 3 he gave me 1. He left the needle wobbling vicariously in my tummy whilst he changed the syringe 3 times. Re-flipping-sult.
And if thats not enough, Sam got me the goats cheese and relish....... i don't know if I'm allowed to put this, but i died and went to heaven!!!



Saturday 27 February 2016

26.2.16

Oh my word.
A dreadful nights sleep. I was stewing over a message from a 'friend'. I can't believe how cruel some people can be. But I'm not gonna waste any more time on that person. Im gonna pick myself up and get back to my positivity.
Today could be my penultimate day in hospital. I can't wait to get home to my own bed, although i will miss all these friendly faces who come and attack me each day.
Im starving! Must be the steroids. My tummy is rumbling and it is thought it is 35 on the Richter scale! A new word I've learnt, borborygmi. Bowel sounds!
Just had a visit from Fergus who commented i looked like an Ewok cos i was curled up on the bed trying to doze. I don't know if thats an insult or compliment!
He said they had the MDT meeting this morning and its been suggested that after my chemo and after the PET scan, and hoping I'm in remission, i will be having 3 weeks of radiotherapy before the transplant. He said this is my last chance of a cure, so they're throwing everything at me! However, if i were to relapse again there is a couple of drugs that have worked on some people to keep it at bay.
Thats mighty scary. Last chance of a cure. It better work!!!
So my first hospital stay, how was it?
The staff were lovely, friendly, helpful, although very busy. The food not so much! The treatment was remarkably better than i thought it would be, although there are aspects i could do without! Constipation, fluid retention, headaches, tummy injections, eye drops x 4 a day, which I've managed to get in my eyes and not on my face now, etc.
I had a nice bedspace, near the window/french doors that looked out onto the garden, and could see Tampax Towers (the nurses home where i lived for over a year back in 1979) from my bed. My Kickman line insertion was almost easy, and makes treatment and bloods so much easier.
I met a lovely lady, Monique who has helped to keep me sane. She makes me laugh. Im thinking of taking her home with me if her husband doesn't mind!
I won't be so worried coming back next time, but wish i didn't have to. But i do so i should suck it up and get on with it. Some people have been through far worse than me and I'm a grown up, apparently!


Thursday 25 February 2016

25.2.16

A fairly good night apart from Glenn waking me at 2am for BP etc, and my regular visits to my paper mache friends which makes my bladder gladder! But I've been retaining fluid so I'm about to be given some IV diuretics, so ship ahoy, splice the main brace and land ahoy, I'm gonna be splashing about in the bathroom! Should make my ankles look less like Rebel Wilson's and more like Cheryl Cole's. Sorry i mean Cheryl Panini Houdini Linguine or whatever her name is!
It seems I'm supposed to be weighed daily (always a negative in my life). Luckily the scales were left within my bed space so I've been doing it, but the staff haven't! And I'm supposed to have daily bloods, and its not been done since tuesday when i arrived on the ward. So I'm waiting for the vampires to come and bleed me! I may be needing a transfusion of platelets (used for clotting the blood). It seems odd when I'm taking aspirin to thin the blood, and heparin jabs every day to thin the blood, now they're thinking of giving me something to thicken it again!
Ive been booked in for the aromatherapist, she's coming to give me a treatment of some description. So excited, i could do with some pampering.
And now for a doze cos I'm shattered.
And of course i doze off and aromatherapist comes and although the HCA said she can wake me cos I'm so desperate for the treatment, she says no don't wake me and goes again. She'll try and come later or maybe tomorrow!!! That was nice!
I did have a visit from the nurse specialist though. Sammy. She's lovely, made me feel very safe and secure. She came to explain about my jabs to stimulate bone marrow to make extra stem cells and the blood tests i need to have after.
This is how i see it.....
I'm home on sunday. Tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday, and wednesday. 9 days in all, the district nurse will come and give me 3 jabs in my tummy. Then on the monday, wednesday and friday i have to come to the MIU (Medical Investigations Unit apparently) to have blood tests, through my line of course, no pricks involved! This will then give Sammy an idea of when i have/had enough stem cells for treatment. Then from that she can work out when i should start my next session of chemo so that when my stem cells are ready it will be a week day and not the weekend when the stem cell processing department would be shut. I was surprised at that. I thought it was just a case of in for 5 days, 2 weeks off, in for 5 days, 2 weeks off.
Sorry if thats all a bit too heavy and a bit boring. Its more for my information than yours! My head is a sieve!
So my OCD is such that i have to know everything, and when things are gonna happen, and now i don't know, and won't until 11th march. How will i cope? Maybe aromatherapy will help. And when will that happen?????

Wednesday 24 February 2016

24.2.16

So another funfilled, toxin blasted, tasteless food, peeing for England type of day. I don't have time to be bored here, thats for sure.
Ive had a few visitors today. The first being Dr Jack. He comes and sets my mind at rest for quite a few things. He said he believes my chemo will put me in remission but if it doesn't i can have up to 2 more sessions of ESHAP. I bloody hope not. Its not been that bad but i really don't want to carry on this liaison unless its really necessary. Im hoping when the time comes for the transplant he will put my mind at rest about that too. Thats the next thing thats freaking me out.
Then Linzi and Rachel visited armed with sweeties galore and a gardening magazine to work off the sweetie calories when i get home. Nice to see 'em. Brightened up a dull day. They both nicked some of my hospital tissues. They both kept their distance in case of bugs etc.......then when they left i found Linzis snotty tissues on the floor!!! Haha, i'll get her for that.
Then my Sam came to see me. I asked for some squash cos the water here tastes like its come from the Ganges. It could be my taste buds of course......
He came with 3 bottles. Im only in till the weekend! He bought me creme eggs, cadburys chocolate, 2 sudoku books. A family  Sudoku book, and a KILLER Sudoku book - not the best type of book for someone with cancer!
A parcel had arrived at home for me which he brought in cos he thought it would make me smile. It was a framed photo of my son Joe and his partner Jon.


I liked the photo and asked if he'd get me a copy, he went one better and had it framed. I love it.
So after a bit of humorous abuse from Sam he left me to watch the BAFTAS. Just getting to the bit about David Bowie and i was told i was moving room because of a male admission. I was moving in with another lady. Eventually they moved her in with me, which made life easier. She's a nice lady. 
I have a new friend! Monique, a french canadian with a lovely accent. She's had bowel cancer and had a large piece of bowel removed and now chemo.
'Dey have removed a turd of my bowel' she said in her french accent. She meant a third of her bowel! That made me snigger too.
We're both on fluid charts so there will be bedpans galore in the bathroom. Some with A written on for her and B for me to coincide with our bed spaces. I hope it don't get messy!
Anyway, i think its bedtime. Ive had so much fun today I'm shattered.
So its goodnight from me, and goodnight from Monique.

23.2.16

Part 2

Kickman line done. It was nothing to worry about. George the radiologist was lovely, he chatted all the way through. The local anaesthetic stung but that was all, and there was a lot of real shoving to get the catheter in, but all done now, and I'm on the ward.
The chemo has started. Ive had saline, mannitol (for kidneys, to encourage more peeing) cytarabine and now etoposide running the same time, and these will run for 4 days. It would be nicer if they had better names. Instead of cytarabine, how about angels footprints, or sweet lily fluff. It would be less stressful than having cytarabine.
I must say i was waiting to start feeling bad and it arrived around 8pm. I felt slightly nauseous and headachey, but i was given something for nausea and that helped. Im still headachey but can cope with that, and theres always some paracetamol if needed.
I got through the night, regardless of being woken at 2am to have my obs (BP pulse temp and O2 saturation) done, and visiting the loo every couple of hours to pee into a paper mache bedpan! Im still headachey, and joy of joys my taste buds have gone. Even water tastes revolting.
Feeling a lot better following 2 of those little life savers, paracetamol, I've showered, tidied up my bed space, done my eye drops, 3 on the cheek, 1 in the eye! Now waiting for the nurse to come and unattach me from my shackles so i can get my top half of clothes on. Bless 'em, the nurses are so busy so I've walked a marathon up and down the ward corridor, 1 for exercise, and 2 so as the nurse may remember me and let me get dressed. I should add, I'm not doing my marathon topless, that would be ridiculous and down right dangerous to some of the weaker patients. I have my animal print dressing gown on, in case i need to sprint. Which is lucky, cos theres just been a crash call (when theres an emergency) and i had to sprint out of the way of a stampeding male nurse.
Thoughts go to the lady concerned.
All back to normal now and i am fully clothed, minus a bra cos of the Kickman Line. Note to self, don't sprint too often without a bra, it could be dangerous.

Tuesday 23 February 2016

23.2.16

Its here, its here. Im feeling rather queer!
Its 6.55  and I'm sat in bed with a black coffee and I'm about to make another one cos I'm NBM at 7.15. Always the one to use my time wisely!
I have 2 hours until Lyn comes to collect me to take me to the hospital. What if i didn't answer the door to her? Bugger, she has a key. What if i hide under the bed? She will find me cos of the smell of fear that I'm giving off!
Yes, I'm pooping myself! The chemo is one thing, but the Hickman line (or Kickman line as i like to call it)  is something else. Ive heard some bad stories, but I've heard more ok stories so i should man up! Not forgetting i do have a valium tab i can pop half an hour before.
Actually, I'm fully aware my fear is unfounded. Its the fear of the unknown. Why does our brain do this to us?  I suppose its the fight or flight thing. Adrenaline is pumped round your body to ensure you have the balls to fight off the demon, or run. Maybe i should start running now. All the procedures I've ever had on my cancer journey have been ok so far.  On a scale of 1  - 10, 10 being hideous, and 1 being nothing to worry about, all of them have been below 3. The chemo  certainly had its moments when it hit 6 or 7, but then it may have been higher. I think its like child birth...you tend to forget how awful it was.
Ooh. I have 4 minutes to drink my coffee, but its too hot and i can't be bothered to get up and add some cold water! I'd rather scald my mouth!



Saturday 20 February 2016

20.2.16

A bad hair day? Definitely not. Once my treatment starts my long blond tresses should start to thin, and theres nothing worse than patchy long hair. Patchy short hair is so much more acceptable. I won't be able to blow dry it cos it may come out in clumps, so to keep it tidy and controllable I've decided to cut it short.  So i visited the lovely Lyndsay, hairdresser extraordinaire, today. So much hair was chopped off and I'm hoping that will show on the scales when i weigh in tomorrow morning!! Maybe i should cut my toenails too.
So this is me before.

And this is me now.

I think i look tidier and it should be a lot quicker to dry!
Do you remember the song 'More than a woman' by Tavares? It was in Saturday Night Fever. My mum used to think they were singing 'Bald Headed Woman', bless her.  Well after the hairdressers i got in the car  and what was playing on the radio? I sang it at the top of my lungs all the way home, giggling every so often at the irony.

Friday 19 February 2016

19.2.16

Another busy, fun filled day.
A trip to PGH (Poole General Hospital), the second one this week, to endure an Echo and ECG in the cardio/respiratory department. What always tickles me is the ramp the patients have to walk to get to the department. Patients with heart and breathing problems have to trek up the ramp arriving at the reception desk huffing and puffing like a dragon!
Anyway, i was called in to the treatment room by Paul, a very friendly cardiographer. An uneventful procedure, but a lot of gel and pushing and shoving was had.
This is a picture of my heart. The little horizontal white line in the middle is one of my valves and it could be seen flicking backwards and forwards, which is always good!


Then i met Lawrence in the hospital restaurant. I use the term restaurant loosely, as i use the term comfy chair loosely and the term vegetable curry loosely. We enjoyed a good chat and an even better moan about life in general. 
Then it was time to visit my friendly cardiologist. He took care of me during my last lot of chemo when my heart was playing up (chemo induced). 
I am reminded of the Peter Sellers and Sophia Loren song, 'It goes boom biddy boom biddy boom biddy boom biddy boom biddy boom biddy boom boom boom. Goodness gracious me!'
I sat in the waiting room and got my iPad out to play some games whilst waiting. I call it brain training!
'Jill Firmin.'
I was called in for an ECG.
'Jill Firmin.'
I was called in for BP.
'Jill Firmin.'
It was time to see John Paul after not seeing him for about 12 months.
He rose from his desk and came over to the door as i was shown in.
'Where is she?' he asked.
'Im here!'
'Oh my goodness, you look amazing.'
He shook my hand and i could see he was a little stunned. The usual reaction when i see people!!
He couldn't believe the difference. Last time he saw me i was bald and wearing a scarf. I looked like a beached whale because of all the steroids. 
He was so shocked, and he verbalised this so much that he got embarrassed and blushed like a tomato. I soaked the compliment in!
He took me in the treatment room and listened to my heart and took my pulse, all with a smile. It was almost like it was a clandestine meeting, but it wasn't!
'Shall i see you again, maybe in april?'
So thats a date then!
The only problem is, i will more than likely be bald and bloated from he steroids. Ive warned him!

Thursday 18 February 2016

18.2.16

Its been a busy old week!
Dr Jack, rang me on saturday morning. Its definitely hodgkins lymphoma, back again, with no invitation.
There are 3 options for treatment.
1. Radiotherapy which he feels will do the job but there may be return on the edges.
2. Brentuximab which may work.
3. Autologous stem cell transplant which is the best bet for a cure, but have to make sure my heart would cope with the treatment. So I'm awaiting an appointment with my lovely cardiologist that i teased wickedly during my last lot of treatment. He's in for another treat!

As you can tell, option 3 is best and I'm jogging along nicely preparing myself for it.
Its an expensive hobby this cancer treatment malarkey.
I have bought a new thermometer, a must when having chemo. I have bought a small router/dongle for entertainment during my hospital stays. I have bought pyjama style clothes for lounging around during my incarceration. Sweets. Ive bought sweets for sucking for if and when i need some sustenance. Digestive biscuits which were used as anti emetics (anti nausea) when i was pregnant, and then again during chemo. Anti bacterial gel.
I have had appointments like its going out of fashion.
Monday - GP.  I was signed off sick for 3 months with an expectation of more time off.
Tuesday - dentist (a must before SCT).
Wednesday - day off
Thursday - hygienist
Friday - Echocardiograph followed by an appointment with the nice cardiologist three and a half hours later, so a bit of hanging around.
Saturday - the lovely Lyndsay, hair dresser extraodinaire who will be cutting my hair short before it starts to thin. Followed by a curry in the evening.
Sunday - a sad day where i deposit my doggies at Chris's house for 3 or more months. Thats the only bit that makes me sad. I will miss them, and I'm sure they will miss me. But i can't have them home whilst trying to stay spotlessly clean, i may well be unable to walk them, and when I'm on a hospital stay, what would i do with them?

The plan of action for treatment is as follows:-
Tuesday - Insertion of hickman line for administration of chemo as well as for drawing blood for analysis. Not looking forward to this. Followed by my admission to the ward, Cell Block HL, for 5 or 6 days. Constant chemo infusion. Its gonna be a blast! During this time i will be given daily jabs to stimulate my bone marrow to make extra stem cells. The stem cells will be harvested as a dummy run to ensure there will be enough when the time comes.
Then i go home for 2 weeks to recover.
Back in for another 5 days the same as the first admission, with the 2 weeks off again. In that time i will have my stem cells taken for real. They will be processed and frozen. Birds Eye Stem Cells!
Then i have a PET scan to check I'm in remission. If not, more of a different kind of chemo, so hopefully i will be!
Then the transplant.
Im more unsure of exactly what happens here. I know i have 7 days on hideous hideous ultra hideous, chemo. Then the transplant followed by 3 weeks of varying degrees of feeling sh*t. So a hospital stay of 4 weeks approximately where i have to be ultra ultra ultra clean cos any bug can put me in ITU. Im not planning on seeing many people, other than nurses, doctors, phlebotomists, etc so as to lessen my risk of infection. This is the time, if any, that i will lose weight. Theres always a silver lining! As well, of course, as the silver lining where the treatment saves my life, hopefully!







Monday 15 February 2016

12.2.16

Happy friday, so far!
Following my biopsy i was told id have the results in 7 days.
Its been 9 days.
Don't anyone tell me no news is good news cos I'm likely to give you some news of your own!
Why do people think that makes me (and others like me) feel better?
I believe, and so does my haematologist, that the HL is back. Ive spent months waiting, and having tests and each time, for very good reason, i haven't had proper results. This is my chance to get a result and get on with the treatment and stop my symptoms. So to say 'no news is good news' is b*ll*cks.
Ooh i sound very angry. Im not. Im not overly stressed. Im coping well with this ongoing situation. The night terrors have stopped now.
Just hoping today Dr Jack will ring me after the MDT meeting and tell me. Im hoping for some relief!
Not heard all day and i go out with the choir prefects and Chris to Lyndhurst where the signal is naff and he tries to ring me. Of course i don't know that till i get home at 11.30pm and his voicemail pings!
'Sorry i didn't get back to you. Ill ring you saturday morning. I love you more than life itself!'
Of course, that last bit didn't happen, but it makes an old lady happy to think that way!
So i put my analytical hat on......
Did he sound happy? Or worried? Or despondent?
I think i shall take my analytical hat off and just wait and see!

Thursday 4 February 2016

4.2.16

World Cancer Day!
Ive got to blog today.
Its gonna be an easy one cos I'm just gonna pretty much copy what I've put on FB.

'World Cancer Day.
If it comes knocking at your door, face it full on. Have belief you can beat it and you're more likely to beat it. Show it you're not scared of it. You will find strength you never knew you had. Whether you win or lose, you will feel proud that you took it on and gave it a run for its money. You are a fighter.'


This is my status today. I googled cancer quotes hoping to find something that took my fancy. But they've all been said before so i thought id make one of my own. 
But then i thought.......

'If it doesn't take our lives, it takes over our lives.'

That comes across negative, but its not meant to be. Its a fact. Its realistic.
Then this.......

World Cancer Day. 
I think most people are aware of cancer. What they're not aware of is the struggle for cancer victims to continue their lives. On my cancer support group just today are posts of, 
'I'm too ill to do my cleaning cos i feel so ill', although she has to stay spotlessly clean because of her low immunity, and any infection can make her seriously ill. 
'I need transport for hospital visits.' because she can't drive when having chemo. 
'I have no specialist cancer nurse to ask when i have a worry or fear,' and there are many on our journeys.
They're not aware of the amount of 'friends' who let us down, or who disappear altogether.
They're not aware of what a lonely place it is.
With many illness, you get rehab, but it doesn't seem to be available to someone who's had cancer and then had treatment that in a lot of instances, makes them worse, and for the long term.
We're sent home to just get on with it. 
Maybe the government should start making help available to the 1 in 2 people who will be touched by this horrid disease.


Im so fed up of people on my cancer support page feeling so down because people think they should be back to normal now the chemo has finished. Some have been accused of 'milking it'. Chemo damages an already damaged body, badly. And as if thats not enough,  the psychological effect is hideous. We all live a life of constant dread of its return.
Maybe the government should start helping their own people who are suffering as well as people from other countries that are in peril. But equally maybe we should all be educated how to help people with illness, cos one day, that could be you!
3.2.16

Ive had my biopsy!! Yay!!
I was anxious. Who wouldn't be? Its the fear of the unknown. Strangely i didn't have any night terrors. I haven't had any for a few weeks now.  Bonus! I think after weeks of stress you seem to level out and deal with it.
I took the executive decision in the morning to not take my aspirin, bleeding to death during a NHS procedure is never good and you never know when the blood will be cleaned up!
My friend Phil came to my house and we sat drinking coffee (even better, no nil by mouth for this biopsy) and we had a good rant about stupid people who have crossed our paths. Mr and Mrs Intolerant from Botley and Bournemouth, respectively.
We set off after we had both said our piece and headed for the hospital. On the way i popped 10 mg valium, something i would have done earlier if i could have. My stress would have been lessened if id taken one in the morning. My stress would have been lessened if id taken one the night before. My stress would have been lessened..........you see where I'm going here. One tablet 3 times a day would have lessened my stress no end. It would also have made me an addict.
But this one was my ultimate life saver. I had visions of me laying on the couch, oblivious to the radiologist and whatever he was doing to me. And thats the way i like it.
So within 15 minutes i was feeling remarkably chilled.
Managed to find the Ultra Sound department. The staff there were lovely. So friendly. I was ushered into a cubicle and left Phil in the waiting room reading Womans Realm!
The valium didn't make it easy to don my gown and robe and tie the ribbons to ensure everything stayed hidden underneath, but i didn't really care.....
I was led into the treatment room to find the radiologist and what seemed to be a trainee radiologist! Just my luck. Someone practising on me.
The cold gel was squirted onto the offending area and the paddle (if thats what you call it) was pressed firmly to find the enlarged gland.
The next discussion was about furniture arranging so as to be able to access the gland with the needle with the stronger hand (she was left handed) whilst still guiding the US paddle so as to see where she was going, with the other hand.
All organised, she went in with the local anaesthetic, the bit i was dreading. It was nothing! I think I'm still numb there from the last op. So that was a result.
'Make a little nick in the skin.' he told her. Easy for him to say!
'Now insert the biopsy needle.'
'Mind that,' he said with a little frown.
That'll be my artery i thought, i was right!
The lovely girl managed to guide the needle through the flotsam and jetsam to reach the gland.
'Now you have to push the needle through the capsule of the gland. You will hear a pop as it goes through,' he said.
He was talking to her, but we both heard the pop, and i 'felt' it too. It wasn't painful, but weird. She then clicked the biopsy needle and whipped it out and put it in formalin. Then went in for a second biopsy. The same technique but entering a different spot, and another 'pop', and that was it!
A bit of pressure, but no pain at all. A waste of a valium tablet, id say!



Monday 1 February 2016

1.2.16

February all ready! And although I've done things, and gone out and had a good time, this year is on hold! I would like to get on with anything i have to do so i can get back to normal - yes that word normal again. I yearn for the time when its all behind me......... again!
I remember the feeling when i finished my last lot of chemo. It was elation......... that slowly turned into anxiety. The normal default setting for a cancer survivor. As the hair returned and the moon face shrunk, the realisation of what had happened and what could happen dawned on me. Don't get me wrong, i can live with it, even now its return seems to be coming a reality. I don't really have any choice!
Chemo is a default  or restore button.
On your laptop, if you find its not working, and you really don't know what you've done wrong, you can restore it to go back to a former time when it wasn't playing up! Or you can wipe the laptop clean and put if back to factory settings, default setting.
Chemo does this!
If you have any rashes, back ache, symptoms for your cancer, chemo sorts these out in most cases. I lost my back ache when i had chemo, it returned after i finished it though. People say their itching and sweats stopped during chemo, i never had those symptoms so not talking personally. And of course, lumps shrink (if you're lucky!).
Unfortunately we get chemo induced joint pain, and peripheral neuropathy, mucositis and so on and so forth of july!
And of course you feel bloody awful.
So is chemo a positive?
It saves your life, if you're lucky. It also causes cancer!
Im trying to find some positives in my impending (more than likely) doom.
I felt some anxiety this morning whilst i lay in bed, shattered with the fatigue and wondering if i was able to get out of bed to walk the dogs. I was going over the chemo affects and how sh*t I'm likely to feel. Of course every one reacts differently. One person said she pretty much slept through the chemo, whilst another felt so rough and lost weight cos of loss of appetite (theres a positive).
All i can do is wait and see what happens. In the meantime my anxiety setting has been raised slightly.
Is there a button i can press for that?

Sunday 17 January 2016

17.1.16

Ive not blogged for a while, and as I've woken up early on a sunday morning i thought now was the time.
Im a one man band!
The sounds coming from me are big band styley.
Its like I'm warming up.
I hear the sounds of a trumpet and the drums.
And all cos i have an upper respiratory tract infection.
Let me introduce you to my band.
We have the digestive system on percussion. A bit of bass drum, and the sounds of an odd maraca.
We have the bronchus in the brass section. A jolly wheeze, our star player, the trumpet.
We have the rattle of the chest playing bass.
Not to mention the wind section!
And today we will playing.....

MOZART's Serenade number 13 in G Major, Eine Kleine Nachtmusik (A Little Night Music)

as I've been practising all night!
Last nights rehearsal was marginally better than the rehearsal 2 years ago. The band then had an extra performance from the legendary 'Teddy Bear'. A growler that sang best when laid back. I did at one stage think maybe St Johns Ambulance would be needed as someone (me) seemed to be having a bit of trouble breathing during all the excitement!
Back to reality. This darned URTI was so intense that i thought i was having a heart attack as i did back in april 2014 during chemo. Every time i lay down, i found it difficult to breath. Not as bad as before, i didn't 'growl' every time i lay down, but tightness and a loud wheeze was audible.
I found myself on the end of the phone to 111 who then had a clinician (paramedic, and very helpful too) ring me and advised me to go to the out of hours clinic at Bournemouth Hospital. I saw another paramedic who listened to my chest, did my obs, had a chat with me, gave me some advice, and sent me home again. Mind put at rest.
Hope the antibiotics kick in soon.