Wednesday 31 December 2014

31.12.14



The last day of the year is here, and am i pleased? I don't know, am i?
I feel a little numb after what I've been through throughout this year. Its been a year of mainly downs but a few ups - i went in a plane - that was an up!!
It all started on the 7th january when i had my results. Shock, horror. I wasn't expecting that. Cancer.
All the tests etc to stage/grade me, that was no fun at all, but i managed to have fun anyway! Me and Linda seem to have laughed our way through the year, despite all the shit going on.
One of my chemo nurses sent me a message the other day saying she misses mine and Lindas giggles.
I must say i preferred laughing to crying, which i did occasionally, usually when i was on a downer from the steroids, those naughty little life savers.
If you'd have asked me before diagnosis how i would be if i were told i had cancer, i would have said id be a drama queen. Ive let the drama club down badly!
I love the thought that I've let the nightmare make me a stronger person. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments. But I'm quite proud of myself.
Ive loved how my imagination has run riot in my blog at times with regard my relationship with my haematologist, or future husband as i like to call him!!
But it has made me a little intolerant, or a little more than i already was! I get wound up by peoples stupidity, and I'm unable to let it go which does me more harm than the other person. They are usually unaware.
I can't bare self indulgent people, attention seekers, people that think its all about them! And theres quite a few of them about. I try to steer clear of them.
I must mention the wonderful UK Hodgkins Lymphoma group on Facebook.
I cannot sing their praises enough. They have helped tremendously. They've been so supportive having been through it, or still going through it. I have now become admin on the group and i feel honoured to do so, and i intend helping as many people as i can on there.
I won't mention the one person on there who sent me a photo of his kitchen kettle with the comment, 'They always take so long to boil, don't they?'
What i quickly realised was that his kettle was a shiny chrome one. One with a reflection.....!
I suggested he put a dressing gown on, but that wasn't part of his agenda!!
All part of the rich tapestry of life, i suppose.
Of course, I've been in remission since my 4th chemo in march/april time, but it didn't really register with me cos i never really accepted i had cancer in the first place. It was all a bit surreal.
So now I'm 5 and a half months post chemo, how am i feeling?
Mentally i feel good, although in the back of my mind is always that common niggle, 'will it come back?' But i don't let it get me down. I push it to the back of my mind.
Physically is a different story. I have a few problems as I've put in previous blogs. They don't seem to get any easier. Im hoping 2015 will help me lose the weight i put on, which in turn should make my joints less painful. But at the end of the day, I'm alive and kicking, although not kicking to hard cos it hurts.
Anyway, how am i celebrating the end to 'annus horibilis'?
Im working! A night duty tonight and tomorrow night, luckily a sleeping duty so not too much hardship. Im sure Jo, the lady I'm PA for, won't want to party till the early hours!
So, i better get my stuff ready to take to work. My laptop and my knitting, my bedding and my hot water bottle.
I will take this opportunity to wish all of my blog friends the most wonderful new year, and hope i get one too! I must remember to turn off the vibrate on my phone as well as the ringtone. I dont wanna be disturbed in my slumber whilst you all party the year away.
Happy new year.


Sunday 28 December 2014

26.12 14

They think its all over, and it is!
I can't say, 'all the effort and now its over and done with,' cos i didn't make much effort.
Actually thats not strictly true now i think about it. I probably made more effort than usual. Considering my situation, it was all a lot more effort.
I found it difficult shopping (something i have excelled in in the past), thank goodness for online shopping.
Wrapping of the presents was not a pretty sight. Names were written on in felt tip pen! I only had 8 tags in a pack of 4 rolls of wrapping paper!!!!
I found opening my presents fairly easy, except for the ones Sam gave me. He must have shares in sellotape going on the secure nature of each gift!
I did have a sore back because of an attempt to walk the dogs. I was at Chris's house and intended dog walking with him each day, but after my first one, i managed to get a blister on my heel and my back started to ache. The added worry, whilst walking as if id pooped myself, i was under much more of a threat of slipping in the mud which is rife in the nearby fields. So, blisters, and aches and pains, but after a mud bath, extremely soft skin from all the minerals (cow dung!)
We had a buffet on christmas eve. I was expecting help with it, but turns out i was not only the chef, but the waiter and the kitchen porter!
So much for take it easy, 'you're recovering from chemo'.
The prep for lunch wasn't my finest hour. I managed to make about 50 pigs in blankets and because of the standing, and all the activities before that caused the bad back and blister, the back issue was exacerbated. I took on the look of the witch in snow white and the 7 dwarfs, a hunched old hag! I had had offers of help for the kitchen prep, but when it came to it, one cried off feeling ill, and the other just disappeared leaving me to it, returning mid prep, and saying, 'i was gonna help you with that!' and disappearing again.
But its all over now!
I can't get excited about the new year cos I'm working. Imagine the wonga I'm gonna make!! Will make a very small dent in the 6 months of statutory sick pay!
Boxing day i left Chris's house. I came home and unpacked, did the washing and drying. Tidied up and opened parcels and letters that had arrived in my absence. Its hard work, this going away malarkey!
I settled back into being home. My little castle.
Saturday was a day of putting away the decorations. I do it every year. I put them up 1st december and then by christmas I've had enough of it all - my OCD sets in. Needless to say, my castle is tidy and glitter free.
I recall my ex, Ron, laughing at me many times during my 3-4 year sentence with him because of my need to put things in things! A box opened would reveal 4 smaller boxes with things maybe in alphabetical order, or even a more useful order. In order of popular usage, or colour maybe??? My organisation skills are second to none. That will be my OCD!
I have large plastic boxes with all my decorations in colour order!
My christmas tree is normally kept in a large cardboard box with 2 bits of heavy duty string holding it together. Im really not impressed with that so i have invested in a garden storage ottoman type storage box. Im so excited about it - boring OCD-ite that i am!
It should be here in the next few days and my bashed in tree box will be burnt and my new shit hot plastic tree cradler/protector will be installed in my slightly untidy garage!!! I feel a christmas garage OCD organising party coming on! I also feel the need to finish putting up pictures and stuff on the walls in my lounge and up my stairwell! Im gonna feel so sated!!!
Even writing about all this has made me feel less panicky!!
Im on a mission, and to be completely honest with you, its more exciting than christmas!!!



Tuesday 16 December 2014

14.12.14

Oooh, another semi symmetrical date!
I'm here! Milano!
My feet hurt so I've been deposited in the bar. I'm sure I'll cope!
So let me tell you the story so far.
I left work at 6am on Friday after Manuela came in early for me.
Arrived home and loaded the car in the dark, and whoosh, we were on our way.
Arrived at Gatwick and was greeted by a fairly cheerful old man who was taking the car to park for me. Funnily he wanted to chat about people and fuel and mileage and he kept tapping his pen on Chris's VW Caravelle! So I ended the conversation as swiftly as I good whilst looking intently at the pen hoping old man would get it!
No, he didn't!
Without too much upset, we registered with the accessible team, who are about as accessible as a gate with a lock on it, but with less intelligence than the gate. Only 3 years ago, the said team nearly managed to miss our flight. I kept saying, 'the screen says we should be boarding.'
Her reply was, 'the planes not landed yet!'
Of course, it had landed and was boarding so we had to run!
This time was slightly different. The gate was published on screen at 10.50. The flight was at 11.40. Another jolly man came along and asked if we had our running shoes on as we had to dash!
Me and running shoes should never be in the same sentence!
Because there was a long walk (or run) to the boarding gate, about 6 miles it felt like, we had to power walk all the way, kicking other passengers out of the way on our mission.
You know those escalator style walkways, it amazes me the amount of people who just stop when they get off causing a domino effect. And for some, it's their choice to stand there and wait for someone, actually in the opening to the walkway!!! Wonders will never cease!
Anyway, we get through the X-ray machines and someone manhandles Chris, as is the norm, although he'd prefer a woman to a man!
We go to the front of the queue, no speedy boarding fee for us, and we are admonished by a stunningly gorgeous man for crossing the line! Not that we were told not to cross the line, and actually, the line was an imaginary line! Obviously got up to early this morning! He did backtrack a little and his accusing stroppy voice stopped and became a pleasant one. I don't know why, but I felt the need to tell him how gorgeous he was! Poor embarrassed red faced...... Pilot! He was our pilot.
He can press my buttons any day. He can rev my engine any day. He can enter the mile high club with me any day. He can take me to a high altitude any day. He can..... Ok I'll stop now!!
We land. The pilot kisses me goodbye tenderly, a girl can dream.
We are taken through customs like VIPs, ahead of everyone and we are passed from one helpful Italian to another, taken to the treno, yes treno is the Italian for train! How sweet. Treno!
What they didn't say was, there's a strike. No treno's.
We attempt the bus and hope a nice Italian man will help Chris up the steps on the bus.
Result. The driver does it. They wouldn't do that in the UK. He just threw Chris over his shoulder like a sack o' spuds.
A manic drive to Milan centre, and I mean manic. The Italians are crazy drivers. I've known them do stunts like, driving along a road on the edge of a mountain and remove their jumper over their heads!
I had kittens! Italian ones!  I'm still here to tell the tale though.
So an hour of eyes closed and praying!
Oh Milano, how I've missed you!
The passionate exchange of words, the gesticulating. You'd think they were fighting, but no. The last two words show it's just the way they are. Buon natale! (Merry Christmas)
The other odd thing.....Ciao!
It's hello and goodbye which, if you're not on the ball, can be quite confusing!
Pizza by the dozen eaten. The word 'scuzi' shouted at all the Italians who don't look where they're going and would end up wearing a wheelchair if I didn't shout it. Lake Como visited after shenanigans with the treno's! And this years extra excitement. Prosecco!!
Yes I have brought my new hobby to Milano. I'm having my fave tipple with each evening meal. What a rebel I am!
But my feet! Who has my real feet and has left me with this set made of play dough? And quite a deep red play dough too!
After a short time on my pins my feet throb and burn, my ankles swollen making me look like an OAP.
I even posted on the UK Lymphoma site and it seems others had the same problem. So, as expected, I am normal!
It's funny, if you have a symptom after chemo, you worry. As soon as another lymphoma sufferer says they had/have it too, it makes it ok!
So I'm sat here in the bar waiting for Chris and Chloe to return from the Armani shop before heading off for lunch!
This is me relaxing in the hotel, this is my room rather than the bar. I felt a little conspicuous sat in the bar doing selfies!
Lunch was a casual affair - pizza if i remember rightly. Followed by hot chocolate and panettone at Savinis.
This is Chris, Chloe and Emilio, our friendly waiter who we've befriended on Facebook and who we see annually. He always greets us warmly and this time was no different. He's a real flirt! It was lovely to see him. He was extra attentive this year. He's obviously seen me bald at some stage!! Bless his heart.
Had a lovely time at Savinis. The lady on the bakery counter also remembers us from our yearly visits. She nearly dived on Chris when we arrived. Last year Chris bought a fair few pannettones for himself and gifts and she forgot to wrap them all, so when we got home, there were some missing. She's felt guilty all year, so she had the AWOL items ready for him.
We felt like VIP's there. We had most of the waiters attention. It was lovely.
Back to the hotel whilst Chris and Chloe carried on their shopping expedition. I managed to snap the tree in the Piazza on the way back to my hideout.

It was a beauty this year. There were lights on it that looked like they were dripping ice. Icicles, i suppose you'd say. Best one so far.
As i limped my way back to the hotel, i followed a middle aged couple and a young girl, obviously the daughter. They were walking slower than me, which i find hard to believe with my poorly feet. But strangely they were staying at the Hotel Brunelleschi too. I managed to overtake them and got to the reception before them to ask for key 512. The man from the couple, was behind me waiting for his key. As i got to the lift, the wife and daughter were there. They almost wouldn't let me in it. They were saving it for the dad. There was 4 lifts there and they were holding the lift, and preventing others using it. I pushed through and dad was then ready so we all squashed in. I noticed they got out at floor 4. I also noticed them open the door to the room near the lift, like my own but on the fifth floor, of course. Room 412. They were in the room below us.
I continued my ascent to the next floor, unlocked my door and entered. Unlike my normal habit of, boots off, coat off, wee and sit down, i decided on a new habit. Keep boots on and stamp about so as to annoy the people in the room below!!! Regardless of sore feet, i danced for hours - with my boots on!!!
More foot resting and ogling the Italian men that frequented the hotel bar! Until dinner of course.
We ambled the cobbled streets looking for a decent looking restaurant.
Found one!
Unfortunately it was a mistake. The food was very mediochre. It always happens. Our last meal in Milan is nearly always not that good. Luckily we had had our fill of scrummy stuff for the previous meals.
The end of our Milan trip was nigh.
We had had good food, good fun and laughter. Good times.
Our bed times consisted of us all being silly. Lots of silly laughter and general silliness which culminated in Chris falling through the gap between the 2 beds.
More silliness and more laughter.
The next morning we awoke to Chris complaining he felt rough. Unfortunately he kept that feeling for the whole day, vomiting at various stops along the way of our journey. On the bus to the airport, outside the departures, and on the plane. Which leads to another tale!
A middle-aged Italian couple sat in from of us on the plane. She had bright red curly hair which Chris commented on looked really cool.
About 20 minutes before landing, Chris started to vomit. Mrs red head dived forward in her seat, scarf thrust in her face, whilst Chris urgled and gurgled and made quite revolting wretching noises. Not much to bring up as he'd not eaten anything.
After his recovery, Mrs red head still sat forward trying to surreptitiously look behind to make sure he'd stopped chucking up. Still with her scarf at her nostrils. She could have done with growing a pair of balls! She even asked the hostess if she could move seats, but there were no others - shame!!! So she continued to sit forward, petrified that Chris was gonna douse her in vomit. 
Realising her panic, Chris continued to  make wretching noises to wind her up!!! He's awful, such a naughty boy.
Anyway we managed to get home with him feeling nauseous but 'controlling' himself, something he's very good at.
Within 2 seconds of entering the house, he was sick again.
It was either a bug, a migraine, or that nasty restaurant - our last Milanese meal!
Im glad to report he's feeling better as of this morning and I'm sure it won't put him off returning next year to do it all again!
I cannot report on Mrs red head though. Probably still has her scarf surgically joined to her nose.




Wednesday 10 December 2014

10.12.14

I like that date, 10 12 14. Does my OCD the power of good.
I feel duty bound to include a bit of Christmas festivity.
OH CHRISTMAS TREE, OH CHRISTMAS TREE....

Two different trips to Milan and 2 different Christmas trees. Last years tree wasn't as nice. It was still 'molto voluminoso' (very massive!), but it had huge red bows on it. I prefer the 2 trees above. It will be interesting to see what tree they have this year, as I will be there in 2 days. 
Yes the annual Christmassy visit to Milan is nigh.
The boarding passes are printed, passports ready, euros burning a hole in my purse and the thought of the most wonderful hot chocolate, milano stylee is making my mouth water. The promise of the most wonderful pizza and pasta for 3 days is making my tummy rumble.
We will be doing our usual Milanese routine. Arrive, and straight away sort out assistance at the train station to take us to Lake Como for the day. Usually beautiful blue skies outlining the snow topped mountains and the turquoise lake. Sometimes theres snow! Stupendo!
We usually amble round the christmas market stalls. Such a wonderful atmosphere.
Armani is visited!!!! Chris is an Armani freak. Even his dog is called Giorgio after the designer.
And Savinis......... a wonderful, upmarket, expensive, coffee shop. I feel i do it no justice calling it a coffee shop. Its so much more. They sell the best panettone. Chris always fills his hand luggage with panettone from Savinis.
And usually in the piazza del Duomo (in the photos above) there is a large stage and somebody, sometimes someone well known,  is performing. Natalie Cole was the first time, and the third time it was Burt Bacharach. It was one of the most magical times of my life. It was snowing and the atmosphere was amazing. He sang all of his hits. I say a little prayer, Alfie, Ill never fall in love again, Raindrops keep falling on my head, Magic moments, The look of love. His voice is going now, he's getting on a bit, but it was absolutely wonderful. Theres a video at the bottom of the blog. You can't see the snow on it, and you certainly can't feel the atmosphere, but it was special.
And the reason we go there every december, and stay in the same hotel??????
They all know Chris and welcome him so warmly. Kisses all round - not for me, just Chris, which is good, cos they're all old men!! Now if they were tasty italian men, that would be different!!!


Heres a photo of me in Savinis. It always shocks me to see me with hair.
I never thought id have this dilemma. I don't know what to do with my hair. Do i go blonde? Or stay darker? Do i stay with my pixie style? Or grow it longer again?

Heres the video of Burt. It makes me so emotional just watching the video. Im a wreck!

Anyway, i better go and pack. Im sure the next 36 hours are gonna go really quickly!!
7.12.14

Ooh its getting closer. Not long now till Santa shimmies down my breast (chimney breast, that is) and gives me a night to remember (prezzies, i mean!).
To be fair, theres not much i need, other than a log burner, a Jag XK, a winning lottery ticket, and i don't mean for a fiver, and maybe a nice man. Ive got a feeling I'm gonna be disappointed.
Im really not too bothered if i don't get  my hearts desire.
I have an iPhone thats been fixed and is working properly now, so I'm not stressed about that. I have a new laptop, a Macbook Air, and it works brilliantly unlike the last one i had. Even from day one it was a nightmare. Obviously a friday afternoon model. And what was the other thing????
Oh yes, my health!
I have my boys, and i have my friends. And of course, i have my puppies.
And a special mention. I have Chloe Louise Laws!!!! There chloe, happy!!
Everyone wanted cakes. I decided to make some chocolate cupcakes. Always difficult baking in someone else's kitchen cos you don't know where everything is. But found the baking cupboard and the muffin tin. Found the scales.
I measured out all the ingredients, sieved the flour, dissolved the cocoa in boiling water. Added it all together and it said on the recipe, 'Fill the cake cases 2/3 full with the batter.'
Batter??? What batter? It was a thick pile of sticky stuff. Not how it was before. What i didn't realise was on the scales was grams, ounces and millilitres!!! Ive never seen scales with millilitres before! I was oblivious. Happily weighing out and beating stuff together. Need less to say it all ended up in the bin and i had to start the whole lot again.
It all worked out in the end and we spent the afternoon feeling sick from too much chocolate!!!
Followed by roast pork and crackling, so all too thirsty cos of all the salt!
I think i need to become a vegan! or a vegetable!
A few festivities this week. Dinner out with the choir ladies. We were forced into singing our rendition of 'Let it snow'. In front of the whole pub too! Of course, roses were thrown at us as a gesture of pleasure. I wish it had been Cadburys Roses! Although i think they may have hurt. Smacked in the eye by a flying toffee penny! That could be Quality Street, but i shan't worry about that.
The applause could be heard all the way to Wembley Stadium!
We weren't invited back tho!
Yesterday I met with me Julie for a coffee and mince pie at Haskins Garden Centre. The mince pies were so hard they could have been used to build some houses strong enough to withstand a mighty tornado!
The coffee was too strong. The hot chocolate was too sweet. But at Christmas we put up with all the crap, don't we!
Roast turkey for lunch at Stewarts Garden centre with Marion and Terry.
It was lovely ambling round the christmassy stuff. I was feeling quite festive.
Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas.......

29.11.14

Apart from Ruby my cockapoo being constipated to the point of bowel obstruction, and needing an enema and barium meal, its been a good day. Ruby has had her cannula removed!!! Im the one who has cannulas Ruby, not you. This blog is about me!!! Me me me!!!
I arrived at Chris's house after a fairly stressful journey. The traffic was amazingly good. The stress was me worrying about whether or not Ruby would chuck up on the way there.
She didn't, thank goodness, but Loki did on the back seat. Luckily, protection was in place! Or should i say Lokily!!!
I unpacked the car. So much stuff. My house must be empty cos I've brought most of it to Chris's!
I did however forget the 2 advent calendars! There'll be a lot of catching up when i do deliver them. Every cloud and all that.....
Chris's carer, Anna, plied me with tea as soon as i got in. She took Chris's dogs (all 5 of them) for a walk and took Dottie with her. Ruby is too needy to go with her. She'd rather stay with me! And Loki is too small to send out with 5 crazy, bounding, large dogs.
And Chris, Chloe and i went out to buy the Christmas tree.

And here it is, before and after. I'll let you work out which is which.
And to get in the festive mood, heres a picture of Snowball the reindeer.
He lives at the 'farm' where we got the tree, along with lots of other animals. It was lovely, although i was covered in mud.
Fun and frolics were had at Chris's. We had drinkies, roast lamb, we moved tortoises about (don't ask!). I met Liz and Martyn, which was lovely. 
A mad dash back home on monday ready for the Rock Choir concert. Oh what fun we had, as well as raising money for Citizens Advice Bureau. I sang a solo, All Over The World. 
This morning i had my first hair cut! Its only been trimmed in a few places. One side behind my ear was nearly 2 inches longer than the other side! Im amazed. I have a proper hair cut now, and only 5 months since my last chemo. This time next year, i'll be Rapunzel.
Today i have travelled the length and breadth of the country - well, to Southampton, the Apple Store. My phone has been very quiet, and i don't mean no ones ringing me! I can hardly hear anyone talking or anything at all actually. Turns out there was fluff in the earpiece mesh cover! Lucky they didn't charge me!
As a special treat to me, i bought a Mac Air. Yes I'm made of money! But i don't think i could cope if my MacBook died on me, and that looks imminent. 
It also means i have to visit Chris next weekend so he can set it up for me!

Saturday 29 November 2014

28.11.14

Its D day - Dr Jack day.
I had my questions on my phone ready under the title 'Fun day out with Dr Jack!'
He started by telling me i looked very glamorous! That made me feel good, getting a compliment from a man wearing a lovely blue jumper. He did look very nice in it.
He examined me, but allowed me to keep my clothes on. Probably felt he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of me!! (Yes I'm still in cloud cuckoo land)
Listened to my chest.
He asked about my list. I always have a list of questions or queries for him.
The list was as follows:-

Joints - very achey ankles, knees and hips.
Feet - very sensitive skin - getting blisters
How will i know if its back - glands removed so no return there, erratic ESR is my norm.
Cough - consistent cough since before chemo finished.
Supplements - magnesium, omega 3, glucosamine - its fashionable, apparently.

Joints - he feels may be an arthritic symptom from before chemo. (In other words, not his fault!)
Feet - he's not heard of that before.
How will i know if its back - ill come back to that one!
Cough - maybe due to gastric reflux, or asthma. See GP for antacid and steroid inhaler.
Supplements - mag - need huge doses for any benefit, don't bother, glucosamine - not proven in studies to have any benefit, unless placebo, omega 3 - good for you but fish tastes nicer, so have one or two portions a week.

How will i know if its back.
ESR (erythrocyte sedimentation rate) is a marker for inflammation and is the blood result that points towards relapse, as well as many other illnesses. The normal is 10 for a woman of my age, 20 for an older woman. Mines 50!!! Eek. But it has been raised on many occasions, so it is my normal for it to be erratic.
Dr Jack is convinced its due to my achey joints and i agree with him so I'm not overly worried, but it would have been nice for him to say, 'everything is fine and normal, still in remission' rather than, ' your ESR is raised but i don't think its anything to worry about!'
But he's the expert, i must trust him, so i shan't waste any time worrying about it. I will see him in 3 months, end of feb 2015.
He told me the first 18months are the crucial time. If i can get through that without relapse i stand a good chance of it not coming back!
As far as he's concerned, I'm cured! Although technically theres no such thing. He's known people get it back 40 years later!
So heres a photo of me at my first 3 month check. I thought id do them every 3 month check so i can see the difference.

Thursday 27 November 2014

26.11.14

My first night duty of the week, and time to tell you all my news of the week!
I had my bloods done on monday by the lovely Kelly. She never has any problems taking my blood, but then nor does anyone else. I have veins like macaroni! No cheese tho!
Well...... 'sharp prick', she said and i hardly felt a thing.
We waited for the blood to trickle down the tube.
Nothing.
She wiggled the needle a little and very slowly it came. Obviously not happy at leaving its nice warm home. Eventually, after my arm was emptied of any of the red fluid, the bottles were filled and i was released from the strange seat i was sitting in. You feel like you're gonna slide off, it tilts forward slightly.
It was strange having it done. Its something I've done every fortnight for 6 months, the day before chemo. Its always had a negative feeling, this one wasn't quite as bad, but in reality this should be worse. It is the answer to those all important questions.
'Am i still in remission?'
'Do i have cancer?'
Friday i get the answers.
The rest of the week has been spent tidying, organising and the odd bit of shopping. I do like a bit of shopping!!
Today i had a bit of excitement.
The doorbell rang about 5.30 sending the dogs into a frenzy. I barely opened the door so the hounds didn't escape. I knew what it was before i even opened it. Another charity!!!
'Hello,' said a very smart young man. He tried to crack a joke about him not being that bad! I didn't laugh!
Im here on behalf of Great Ormond Street Hospital.
I replied, 'Sorry I'm not interested.'
He could see how difficult it was with the dogs howling.
He leant forward and thrust some pictures of sick babies. 'Great Ormond Street Hospital for sick children.'
I replied. 'Im not interested.'
I could not believe my ears what was said next.
To be continued in next weeks blog........
No, only joking. Would i do that to you?
His reply, 'Not interested in saving children's lives. Oh ok then.' And he very briskly walked off with me shouting, 'Excuse me?????'
I was bubbling with rage.
Im gonna find out who is doing the fundraising and phone up. Im gonna chase him down the road and tell him what i think.
I was actually in the middle of eating my dinner, that stopped me running down the road after him. Oh yes, and Sam saying, 'Don't bother', in a very disinterested way.
I swear smoke could be seen coming out of my ears.
The door bell rang!!!!!!!!
I knew who it was.
'Im so sorry for what i said, i really apologise. I should never had said it. Ive had a really bad day.......blah blah blah'
He could do no more (which is the second time I've said a similar line today).
I smiled sweetly and told him not to worry about it.
Actually the line which I've heard for the second time today, is 'i could do no more', which is a line from Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, the film of course, not the book. I saw the film whilst i was training as a nurse and that line stuck with me. Said in a deepest darkest Dorset accent.
I don't know why i told you this. Maybe to make you think i am a literary wonder. Someone cultured!
It was a flipping good film and a flipping good book.


Sunday 23 November 2014

23.11.14

What a corker of a weekend.
Friday Trevor came round to finish off the mess i made of decorating the stairs and landing. Not so much of a mess, i just couldn't reach and my ankles gave way. He did 2 coats and stopped for a cuppa in between. But it needed another coat cos the wall was brown before he started, not due to a filthy lifestyle, just an awful choice of colour of the idiots i brought the house from.
A bottle of Prosecco was popped in the evening, something i haven't done for ages. I don't normally drink alone.
Being sunday now, Trev has been back and done another coat and it looks lovely. So light and fresh. I need to dress it now. I don't know what with, but a little bit of thought and i will be hammering tacks into the wall tomorrow sometime.
Saturday was a relaxing day of doing bugger all. It was lovely. No trips to Abbey Road or to Chris's house. Just feet up, and a few chores throughout the day until about 5 when a champagne flute was refilled with Prosecco whilst i got ready for a night out with the girls.
Many months ago, getting ready meant a bath and hair wash, makeup, and hair dry and straighten, choice of clothes. One or two hours.
Today i have no hair, not all my clothes fit me, so its dwindled down to about half an hour and thats with having a soak in the bath first.
So a trip to the german market in Bournemouth Square. A festive boot full of mulled wine, so strong it nearly choked me, but after a while i was a bit more used to it. And a curry wurst. Not had a bockwurst or bratwurst since leaving Germany about 24 years ago.
A very entertaining evening.
Today, has been another chill out day. Well for the morning anyway. This afternoon i was chatting to a friend for 4 hours. 4 flipping hours!!!Needless to say, he did most of the talking whilst i listened and took notes!
An evening of X Factor results and Im a Celeb. Life is good!
Tomorrow is blood day. Im not concerned, but it feels weird going for bloods. I used to do it the day before each chemo, to the same hospital, the same room and the same phlebotomist, Kelly.
I will leave you with a sobering thought.......
I have watched Jake Quickenden smothered with stinging ants -  i am now itchy and scratchy!

Friday 21 November 2014

17.11.14

Do you know what annoys me?? Most things actually, but in particular, this morning i was thinking about my Statutory Sick Pay that i received. £86 pw. And yet, some places, NHS and schools etc, they get 6 months of full pay and 6 months of half pay. Who's paying them? Our taxes - my taxes. Im paying them to have a financially comfortable time when they're ill, when i have to struggle on £86 pw. Doesn't seem very fair to me!
There. Lets get the rant out of the way, although I'm not promising there won't be another rant later on.
Here we go again!! Not so much a rant, more of an observation and amazement.
I mentioned i joined a larger HL site - mainly USA.
Im amazed that they seem to argue over who is right - 'Lymphoma is a blood cancer', 'No its not, its a lymph cancer', 'Theres blood and blood vessels in bone marrow', 'No there isn't, get a bone from the butcher and see, theres no blood vessels'.
It is a blood cancer and there is blood vessels in bone marrow, just to clarify.
But then there are words about, 'I'm amazed you know so little about your disease', which i agree with, but then, 'I'm leaving this group'.
Anything you need to know you can find out online. Id like to think i wouldn't post a fact on the site without knowing for sure, or checking.
On the UK site, we have made relationships with people, friendships. We care about each other and give good advice and experiences. On the USA site they seem to just want their say, they want to shine about the knowledge they've given and don't like it if they are contradicted. There also seems to be a lot about god and prayers.
One girl has put, 'K Bye' followed by clapping hands icons following someone threatening to leave the group cos of the ignorance.
These are all people sharing the same problem - cancer. Its like watching a soap opera! Im looking forward to the next episode! And you don't even need a TV license!
The next little gem...... have you been getting phone calls telling you someone at this address had a car accident in the last 3 years? Ive had loads of them, but this time, as i lay in the bath, i thought id play along.
'Yes i had an accident in january 2014' - i explained what happened to the foreign gentleman.
'What is your name?' he asked,  clearly excited that he'd had a positive response to his question, 'spell it for me.'
'I D I O T, M E!'
He even said it out loud, 'Idiot me!'
He asked my date of birth.
'1.4.14'
He asked, 'How can you have had an accident in january 2014 and not be born until april 2014?'
He was very persistent. I ended up putting the phone down on him, but i did enjoy myself for 5 minutes.
As I've mentioned before, i enjoy reality TV and the present one that i look forward to is Im a celeb. I was just getting into enjoying Gemma Collins making a fool of herself when she upped and left with £100000 in her (large) pocket. I was so disappointed. She was showing how self centred she was and it was all about 'me me me'.
But not all is lost. She has shown herself to be even more of a twat.
Her excuse for leaving the jungle early was that something awful had happened to her the night before she went into the jungle leaving her with some injuries and the shock came out whilst she was in the jungle.
Yeah right!


Sunday 16 November 2014

16.11.14

Holy shmoley!
That was amazing. My day at Abbey Road Studios.
It started at 4.15am after 5 hours sleep. Ha ha ha, i got my own back on the puppy by waking him up early instead of the other way round.
4.45 Jenni and Linda arrived armed with bread rolls and butter. I had cooked some bacon, so rolls were made for when we were on board our London bound coach. 5 minutes later Jo and Steve arrived, our taxi to the station.
We boarded our double decker coach - with on board loo! Chatted, giggled, laughed, took photos,  ate bacon  sandwiches, sang our recording songs, all the way. Our driver, Paul, was really good fun, and very cheeky.
The bacon rolls were gone by the time we left the coach depot!
Arrived at Abbey Road at 9am and we had to wait til 9.30 before we could go in. Because of my recent health problems - don't know if you're aware I've had chemo????? - i was allowed inside with 3 others who also had health issues.
We were told we were not allowed to take photos inside the Abbey Road except for when we were in the actual studio. Strictly NO photos to be taken.
The main reception was gorgeous. Bright red walls with ABBEY ROAD STUDIOS in large white letters.
So heres an 'illegal' photo!!!
Then outside for proper photos of us on the steps of the main entrance. There was about 140 of us, and Jenny our leader! Marianne was our photographer for the day and tried to capture the essence of the day. Im looking forward to seeing what she's produced.
Here's Jenny - crazy cat woman! She loves pulling silly faces! A very talented lady, i don't know how she remembers all the parts of each song, bass, alto and soprano, and thats for every song, and sometimes theres 6 part harmonies! And she makes us all laugh!
Then into studio 2 - our green room. 
There were various pianos and recording equipment in there. An old analogue mixing deck used for Dark Side of the Moon, Pink Floyd, one of my favourites. A piano used during the recording of Skyfall. An old plinky plonky piano used for Lady Madonna - The Beatles - need i say? A grand piano that was used by Elton John and Gary Barlow. And in the back of Studio 2 was the area that was used a lot for when the Beatles recorded! It was all so interesting and exciting. 
Then we were ushered into Studio 1. Time for us to shine! Time for us to put on our Diva hats!

We sang Someone like you - Adeles hit, Joyful Joyful from Sister Act and Bridge over Troubled Water - Art Garfunkel. We had a couple of takes at each one. Really enjoyed it. 
Joyful Joyful was amazing. Jenni did a solo for it and it was amazing. Really amazing. She was an absolute star. So pleased it went soooooo well for her.
Then all too soon, it was over. Time to get our stuff and head back to the coach - across the infamous zebra crossing. 

Here we are. All smiling and happy after a wonderful day.

It was a truly amazing day. So many laughs, so much fun. We all bonded - all 140 of us!
Id really like to do it all over again.
Hopefully next time we don't have to get up at 4.15am. I have, on my return, fallen asleep about 4 times!

Saturday 15 November 2014

13.11.14

Owwwww!
I had a free day today, and with a bit of preplanning, i went and bought some paint yesterday and new paint brushes, today has been busy
Today i have mainly been decorating!
Needless to say my ankles, knees, hips and back are killing me. But hey ho, my hallway looks nice, or will do when its finished.
I have come to the end of my ability. I have stretched, and twisted and I've done nearly all, but the stairs are an epic fail. To me, its like climbing Mt Everest!
I have about 20% of the stairs, the bit i can't reach - damn being only 5ft 3in!
I have balanced precariously on a stool on a stair and done some, but i think I'm pushing my luck.
So, i have messaged Trev to see if he can come and finish off for me!
I still have the feature wall to do, probably tomorrow. Im very excited about that!!!
Feature wall done and looking fab. Gotta get a few frames the right colour, print a few photos etc, oh yes and I've gotta get a new flouncy, silk shirt and morph myself into Lawrence Lewellyn Bowen!
Trevs been round and he's gonna call round in the week and finish me off, so to speak.
I must say its a lot nicer than the brown and mushroom the last house owners did in the hall. Another epic fail for them. Theres still a hole in the floor in the hall where they removed a wall and didn't fill the space with a floor board!
Tomorrow is another day. It really is. Its Abbey Road day.
Recording 3 songs with Rock Choir, and I'm loving all 3 songs. Just hope i can remember Bridge over troubled water as its quite new to us all, and i think its a difficult arrangement, but lovely all the same.
Ive packed my lunch, still arguing with myself as to whether to take a flask or whether to hold out until Fleet services for a costa coffee. Lawrence has assured me the Gingerbread something or other  is amazing, but I'm not convinced.
The down side..... alarm set for 4.15am.
So on that note, as its 11pm I'm off to sleep.
I will report tomorrow evening how the day went.
Break a leg!



Wednesday 12 November 2014

11.11.14

Im an imposter. Where has Jill gone?
I have fooled myself that chemo has finished, I'm  in remission. I am over it!
I know i have side effects from the chemo, its normal!
Joint pain making it a bit more difficult to walk when i first get up.
My finger tips are sore intermittently. One day i can open a bottle, the next day i can't.
My cough also seems to be intermittent. I thought it was the tabs i was on, but I've decided its just the chemo. Its not bad at the mo, next week it may be back.
My feet! I thought i was the only one with this one. If i wear shoes, theres every chance i can get a blister. I might not, but i might! I have spots on my feet, well not spots, areas, that get tender. As if i have a bursitis, a small sac of fluid there for lubrication that has become swollen and inflamed. Very tender. Ive found on the US site, theres a few people that have complained about this. Hurrah, i thought it was me being precious!
The fatigue is intermittent. Sometimes i can shop, or walk or decorate rooms. Other days i can't!
There are other things, but my 'chemo brain' won't allow me to recall them at this early hour, and probably not at a later hour either!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not down or depressed, i rarely do down and depressed. Im happy, i enjoy overdoing it a bit so i ache. I feel rewarded when i do something. Im looking forward to doing some more decorating soon.
But i was told chemo/cancer would change me and i didn't think it would, and i didn't think it had, but it obviously has.
The thing that seems to bother all chemo sufferers, or most anyway, is that people don't understand.  They think its over now so you must be back to normal. They say, 'You're looking good', but you don't feel it. You feel better than going through chemo, but not back to your normal. And you probably never will. You have a new normal. This is it.
I make it difficult for myself by being the clown. Thats my pre and post chemo normal. People think if I'm a clown, I'm back to normal. I was a clown all the way through, obviously not all the time, but for quite a bit of it.
Im one of the positive ones. I think i deal with it quite well, certainly compared to some others. But even me, the clown, have more anxiety about things.
Healing is an ongoing thing. Physically, the symptoms can be with you for life, at a greater and sometimes lesser degree. Mentally, you're a nutter now! Feeling yourself constantly for lumps etc. Never good when you do it in public!
The HL site is excellent cos you've all been through it, but equally you see when people relapse, that they worry about a new lump or itching. You see counselling being advised.
And you worry about sounding like you're a hypochondriac. You don't want to bore your friends and family or for them to get irritated cos you're worrying about things, or whinging about an ache or pain.
I will never be what i was before and even some close friends and family seem to think i should be!
It would be so nice if they just understood, but they never will, however hard they try.

Monday 10 November 2014

9.11.14

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed at home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, this little piggy cried wee wee wee wee all the way home.
Theres one really pretty one! Actually its the one in the front in the bottom photo. He's the biggest, the bossiest and the best looking. The Brad Pitt of pigs. I think he's a boy - he's got a gob on him! The grass is now non existent - took them 4 days to turn it into a pig sty to be proud of. The rain hasn't helped things. Its like a quagmire. As they came over, inquisitively snorting and oinking, i noticed they were stood in puddles. Like a 'pre marinade'! Its sad to think they're here for a reason, dinner, but if they weren't in Chris's garden having good food and entertainment from a nutter in a wheelchair, they would be somewhere else and maybe they wouldn't have as good a life.  I won't be getting too attached tho.



Visited the garden centre looking for Christmas decos for Chris. 
Being the creative type, and the Christmassy type, i came along as consultant! A garland was decided on for the kitchen, along with a real tree which will be picked up nearer the time. Chris pointed out what he liked and i put them in the trolley (if i felt they were suitable). A lovely Santa with a sack and a sledge. Beautiful apples and pears, gingerbread men. Glittery, shiny balls. Ribbons. China baubles, glass ones, metal bells. Such an array.
We stopped for a mince pie and coffee whilst we all guessed how much had been spent. It wasn't cheap there! Guesses ranged from £250 to £350, me quoting the most expensive. But we were all wrong!
Just short of £500. Holy Night!!!
On the positive side, he'll have the poshest Christmas tree in Trowbridge!
Home for roast pork (care of Chloe), although we did play that down for the benefit of the 6 oinkers in the field!
Chill out in Chris's room for the XFactor results and Downton Abbey.
A full weekend, enjoyed tremendously.
Now back home and thoughts of decorating.





Saturday 8 November 2014

8.11.14

What a cracking evening it was.  Full of fun and laughter. 13 (i think) school friends, some haven't seen each other since we left school - about 6 years ago!!! Music from the 70's and 80's playing. We all took food and there were photos of 'back in the day'.

Tracy, the hostess with the mostest, introduced a leaflet with everybody's exam results! How she got this personal information, i don't know. Im worried she has a list of our credit cards and pin numbers!
She went through the list and some of the people we couldn't remember, in fact, most of them i couldn't remember! I blame the chemo!
Nette was there giving all sorts of advice, as she's often done before. In fact, when we were about 8 or 9 she gave me my first sexual education lesson! And very descriptive and accurate it was too. Debbie, Carol, who hasn't changed a bit, Maureen, Bev, Diane, Tracey, Janice (or Jan as she prefers to be called), Lynn, who lives round the corner from me, Kim P and Kim B, although were not sure Kim B actually is Kim B because she looks so different to when we were at school. We think she was a local dog walker who saw the lights on and smelt the booze. Such good fun, very raucous at times. And i drank a whole bottle of pink Cava. Ive never done that before, usually 2 glasses are enough. I blame Debbie for topping me up on more than one occasion. Needless to say, this morning I'm feeling a little fragile! Lovely to see everyone tho. Shame some couldn't make it.
Flu jab!
I did say 'a small prick', what i meant was 'a dull prick'! Ive had a few of them in my time! The doctor even said they must have a blunt batch cos everyone was bleeding! Nice to know our taxes are being spent frugally, on blunt needles! However the whole experience improved when i came out. There was a couple of very nice firemen asking about smoke and fire alarms. One of them, the better looking one, offered to come round to my house and sort me out! I presume he means smoke alarms etc?
Looking forward to next week!!



7.11.14

Im feeling good.
Maybe its just the bacon sandwich I've just eaten for breakfast. The bacon was best before the 4th november, but i thought, 'what the heck'. The bread was Sams!! I rarely eat bread but i just got in from work and the traffic had been hideous at 8.15 in the morning, so i thought i deserved it!
And a nice cup of coffee. The sandwich is long gone, but the coffee..... its so nice to be able to taste a coffee first thing in the morning.
I am looking forward to a cracking weekend.
This evening i have a get together with the girls from school (back in 1845!). I have sausage rolls to take with me and a whole bottle of pink cava for me, just for me! Luckily Sams taking me and picking me up. We're picking up Lynn who i haven't seen for donkeys years but I've become aware she lives walking distance from me!
Saturday morning is flu jab! That'll be nice. I don't seem to be able to get away from little pricks!
Then its rehearsal time with choir.
We're recording at Abbey Road next weekend so we need to practice, practice, practice. Its sad to think that when the Beatles recorded at Abbey Road they all had more hair than me!
Then I'm off to Chris's house again to meet his new addition of piggies.
Were going to a really fab garden centre to buy christmas decs for him on sunday.
When he moved from his last house he left his decos in the loft. When he asked 3 weeks later to go and get them, the new owners told him, 'you can have them if you clear the rubbish out of the garage!'
They hadn't mentioned any rubbish in the 3 weeks they'd lived there, there was about a bagful of rubbish (as well as tiles and flooring for the house) and he had mentioned this to the estate agent who said as long as he'd made an effort, which he had, it would be fine. Not only that, he is disabled and unable to wield a dustpan and brush!
In his indubitable style, he told them to 'stick it!'
And it may only be the 7th november, but I'm loving the christmassy stuff on the tv. Last christmas was a let down after surgery. Im soooooo excited about this year. So heres a couple of christmassy photos to get us all in the mood!
Dottie being Santas little helper.

Jenni being Santas little helper

And have you seen the John Lewis advert yet. Oh its so sweet.
WARNING - i am off for my jab so i will blog later today if my arm is still working!!

Thursday 6 November 2014

6.11.14

Ive joined another Hodgkins lymphoma site on FB. Its a nationwide one, but mostly USA!! Its amazing the difference in the UK and USA site. Firstly there are far more people on the USA site which is as expected. But i notice a lot of them say the same thing regardless of the fact that 5 people before have already said it! I know why that happens! People want to have their say. They've all been through a tough time and they like to pass on their knowledge to help people.
They don't seem to respond to anything i write on there, which is different to the UK site. Maybe cos there are soooo many comments? There are so many of them and they are scattered over a huge country, unlike the UK site. Today tho, i have made friends with a nice lady who has, or should i say had, the same lymphoma as me. She was worried our type was more difficult to cure.  I don't know for sure, but I've not heard its more difficult.
Ive been thinking about the effect having cancer has had. Not the bit about it could come back or i may get a secondary cancer. The fact that its 'with me'. Whether its because its all fairly recent, it crosses my mind often. Not in a bad, frightened way. More of a 'wow, did that happen' way. Or 'what a flipping pain it is'! Reading comments on the UK and USA lymphoma site, I'm not alone. Its like an underlying black cloud, but not necessarily a black cloud. Just a cloud. Although some peoples clouds are positively jet black. Maybe its because when i stand up my ankles ache and i waddle like a duck for the first minute or so until i loosen up a bit. Or this cough. Sam keeps shouting 'silence' at me when i start to cough! As a joke i might add, but we all know how annoying it is when someone keeps coughing! Maybe thats what keeps it at the front of my mind. I can't get back to normal, no matter how hard i try. And i have a feeling my symptoms will come and go, maybe forever, i don't know. But my cough has disappeared a couple of times. My tender fingertips aren't always there, and neither is my sore feet when i wear shoes.
Maybe i should become a hippy or be like Anita Shaw who went bare footed. I could wear a bandanna and say cosmic a lot.
I should start smoking weed. It would be acceptable to cough a lot and it would be easily accessible with 'him next door' being a purveyor of the goods.
Isn't it funny the things you think of? Tonight at work I've been knitting myself a scarf. One of the needles caught the fibres, splitting it, and it reminded me of when i was in juniors school. I must have been about 10. The headmaster told a story in assembly of a man who unpicked the jumper that his wife had knitted for him. She had knitted it so well and never split the fibres so when he was stuck on top of a huge chimney when the ladder had fallen away, he was able to use the wool to lower himself to the ground safely!
The moral of the story being, do a good job and you will be rewarded.
Knowing my luck there would be a frost and due to me not having a jumper, i would die of hypothermia!


Tuesday 4 November 2014

1.11.14

November already.
Its hard to believe this time last year i had cancer throughout my abdomen! And at the last count i had none! My 3 month 'check up from the neck up' is looming. Time has gone really quickly.
Hoping to lose another half a stone by the time i see Dr Jack! I can shimmy into his room in a tight fitting black dress with my long blonde hair flowing in the breeze.
Yes i'm dreaming again.
I may lose half a stone, but theres no chance id get away with a tight fitting dress unless i wanna turn him gay, and the colour and length of my hair is by no means an attractive look, and a month won't make it so!
Maybe my 6 month check! If i remember (haha i don't think so!) Im gonna take photos of myself at each check and see the difference over time.  I amaze myself with my ingenuity! You gotta be bright to be a lymphomaniac!
So what can i moan about tonight? Maybe the fact that Chris went to Nottingham to a psychology/OCD conference. Train seats reserved as he's disabled and in a wheelchair, and for all legs (theres a pun there!) of his journey.  He has to have assistance to get on and off, so it needs to be booked. A few parts of the journey went ok but that doesn't help unless all of it is trouble free!
He wasn't allowed on the train at Bristol Temple Meads because the condescending lady said they were too busy, which they weren't particularly. Whats the point of reserving then? She was quite rude so a letter of complaint will be sent. The last time Chris had an altercation with a member of staff at a train station, they ended up being sacked for discrimination.
He's his mothers son, and i don't know if thats good or bad!
A lovely sunday. Chloe attempted to  cook pancakes for brekky. Not easy when someone (!!!) ate the last of the eggs last night for dinner. Oops.
You'd think with 10 chickens messing on the front lawn you'd have plenty of choice of eggs. Lazy girls! They're all messed up with the dark evenings. They tend to take themselves of to bed about 5pm. All tucked up watching the soaps!
Eggs purchased at the local grocers.
Yum flipping yum. I had 3! 2 with nutella and one with sugar and lemon.
More tidying, sorting and arranging. It was so rewarding.
Then time for roast pork, and i think the nicest roast pork I've had for a long while.
Chris has got his piggies being delivered on tuesday. Better get a whole load of apple sauce in ready!

Saturday 1 November 2014

29.10.14

Im back.
Im all cruised out.
Ive eaten Belgian waffles with Belgian chocolate - but not put on a pound in weight. Yippee.
Ive had more exercise than i normally get but paid the price. Not with blisters, but with aches and pains. My poor feet! Damn this sensitive skin and joint pain. Ive been back 3 days and I'm still soooo achey.
Ive done a little swimming and now my neck and back aches.
Ive been on a ship, a little boat, a bus, a car and on foot.
Ive watched films, comedians, played games, crosswords.
Ive drunk loads of prosecco and a strawberry daiquiri. Tea and very strong coffee!
Bacon and eggs, sausage, mushrooms and beans. Curries. Pineapple and melon. Ice cream. Not all together i might add. Its so difficult coming home and having to cook my own food. Im taking it slowly. Ive managed to open a few tins of soup and tomorrow i may progress to a jacket potato.
And now i need something else to look forward to. Possibly a trip to Paris next.
I know. A visit to my son to look after his dogs whilst he's away at a convention.  R&R i think you call it. Rest and recuperation.
I arrived with my 3 dogs, to join his 5 dogs.
His frozen dog food was delivered at the same time lunch was ready, and the same time we should be leaving for him to get to the train station.
'Mum, could you deliver 2 of the (huge) boxes of dog food to the farm shop (where his friendly butcher allows him to put the food in his freezer), and apologise for me not arranging it with him. But I'm sure he'll be ok with it!'
So..... i delivered Chris and Chloe to the station. Chloe left the passenger window open. The same side as the recent damage when someone drove the car into a bollard (£650 quote to repair!). There was no way it wanted to shut. Chris said you have to bang it!! Technical, that! I travelled to the farm shop with the wind blowing through the car, luckily not messing up my hair, and found Andy. Told him about the dog food. He frowned. He hasn't got a lot of room at the mo, but he managed it. He also banged the window at my request, which then shut. Then home to sort out the other 2 boxes of dog food, and to wash up from lunch. I got carried away and tidied the fridge, cleaned out some cupboards and sorted the utility room! By 5pm i was unable to walk without looking like i needed a zimmer frame.
I lounged for a period of time, in front of the TV, on Chris's bed, with 8 dogs alternating time next to me.
Cup of tea time.
As i walked into the kitchen, my reflection in the french windows jumped out at me. It was like a trip to a magic mirrors stand at the fair. I looked about a size 8!! I thought for a minute my diet was going better than i thought. I moved to the next door, the nasty door! I looked a size 20! Luckily i had seen the 'skinny' door first otherwise i would have been devastated. Im hoping I'm somewhere in between.
Time for bed, the epic job of toileting 8 dogs.
Done with tremendous ease.
All in, doors locked. Head count. 3 spinones, 2 jugs, 1 cockapoo, 1 malteser, and wheres the springer spaniel?
I couldn't find her. I searched the house. I searched the garden. She must have jumped the fence and she's off clubbing in Trowbridge.
After an hour or so, i decided to go to bed. I could do no more. Hopefully in the morning she'll be sat by the back door with a tennis ball in her mouth, her eyes staring insanely.
I never slept well. I was worrying about Tottie. Mona was missing her dad and barked most of the night. My 3 slept like logs in their bed in my room! Typical.
6am i got up! I came downstairs and let them all out, hoping the head count would be 8.
No, just the 7.
And then out of the corner of my eye, i see a manic dog, stretching her back legs as she walked from Chris's bedroom, the bedroom i had searched about 4 times last night!
Number 8 - all present and correct!
Thank god Chris is home tonight.


Wednesday 22 October 2014

20.10.14

So looking forward to my well earned mini cruise on thursday with Linda and Kerrie.
Ive managed to get my case out of the attic, I've managed to wash the dust and crap off of it!
Ive found a swimming costume in my drawer that still fits - does that mean i haven't put THAT much weight on?
I have to decide what clothes I'm taking, i have ironing to do, nails, and sort out cameras, iPod, chargers, etc etc etc.
Whats good is i don't have to worry about my hair. Do i take straighteners? Nope. Do i need to take brushes? Nope. Do i need to bring hair accessories - ties, clips, etc? Nope.
I have googled our ports of call and worked out if we can walk to where we want to go or do we need a shuttle bus. Of course when on board i can go to the 'Explorer' department and ask the staff there for some advice. Thats if i manage to move away from the restaurant.
I have looked at the ship deck plans and worked out where our stateroom is and where the restaurant is in relation. You have to get your priorities right!
I have everything under control.
I have checked the weather.
OMG a storm arriving tomorrow!
Luckily by thursday it will be almost non existent, i hope.
I swear, if my cruise is ruined by the weather, i will be booking another one next year, and a proper couple of weeks cruise instead of a mini.
Today i met up with Linda in M&S for a sandwich, a coffee and a chat about the cruise.
We are both very excited. We need incontinence pants!
We are both trying on clothes as if it is going out of fashion. Isn't it funny. As many items as you have in your wardrobe, you still feel the need to buy more when you're going on holiday!  I think its a girl thing.
I have packed :-
3 pairs of leggings (one smart pair)
2 smart tops (for evening wear)
6 casual tops (for day wear)
3 dresses
I am going away for 4 days. I will need to change 3 times during the day, and one evening i will change during dinner to ensure i use all the clothes!
What a numpty i am.
Between us we will let down the side for Bournemouth.
I forget everything (chemo) and have packed clothes for a small army.
Linda can't speak properly, i really don't know why. I think she does it for attention.
She also had a list today of things she needs for the holiday. Lemonade was on the list?????
She forgot her euros! Its on the list, and she forgot it.
Kerrie is the only one with any common sense on this holiday.
I am apprehensive regarding embarkation. I am intending taking 2 bottles of prosecco on board. Now normally you can't take alcohol on board. They like you to spend an arm and a leg in the onboard bar. I have been informed, if its for a good reason, they can allow it.
I think fighting off cancer is a fairly good reason for a party.
I think they may think we've gone a bit overboard (another little pun for you!) as Linda has 2 boxes of wine in her case for her and Kerrie.
I think we will be invited to the FRIENDS OF BILL W. In fact invited, i think it will be obligatory.
(Friends of Bill W. are alcoholics anonymous meetings on board cruise liners.)

Sunday 19 October 2014

19.10.14

As you know, I'm an upbeat sort of person most of the time. However, last night i took a bit of a downer! Im ok now, normal service has been resumed, but i'll tell you why i went down. Its another effect of having cancer, that other mortals probably wouldn't even realise would effect us cancer warriors.
You see the photos of us holding up cards saying 'last chemo' or 'i kicked cancers arse'. You see us bald, losing weight, or in my case, putting it on. You hear the stories of scans and cannulas, and poisons and feeling rough.
You don't see whats inside.
Im sure I've mentioned before, theres a Hodgkins Lymphoma page on FB which i visit regularly, maybe daily. Sufferers at various points, pre diagnosis, pre chemo, during chemo, and post chemo, go on there for support, advice and sometimes just a cyber hug.
One lady, who's been through the mill a bit, came on saying her scan results shows her disease has reduced, but she's still not in remission. She's going to have a stem cell transplant (bone marrow transplant) using a donor rather than her own cells. She's been told this is pretty much her only option, and the word 'death' was mentioned.
I know she's been battling this disease for a while now, but even so, it must be very scary for her. And there for the grace of God go I. And all of us.
I was told from day one, not to worry, its completely curable, obviously by an idiot! Curable for the majority, yes, but not for all. And you never know which group you're in! Since my 4th dose of chemo, my cancer has done one! Thats not to say its done one for life. It could come back. The longer i go without it, the more likely it is to stay away, but thats not a dead cert, excuse the pun.
But seeing others go through an awful time, worse than me, gives me a sudden realisation of how fragile we all are.  Its a lottery whether we get 'it' or not. And its pot luck whether it comes back or not.
So, even though everyone, friends and family are rejoicing over the fact that i have 'complete metabolic response', in reality, theres a long way to go, in fact, i will never be free of the possibility of its return, which leads me, and my fellow warriors, to live life on the edge. A life sentence. A continual underlying sense of doom.
This is my life, and as we're all aware just lately, a lot of peoples lives.
And because of this, i suggest you all bring me Cadburys on a regular basis!
Only joking. All i ask is that you be tolerant and show some understanding to the turmoil that bubbles below the surface.
Now where did i put that chocky?

Thursday 16 October 2014

14.10.14

Look at the date. I do like symmetry, and i know its not complete symmetry, but its good enough to make me feel happy.
Is this the beginning of OCD?
Beginning? Who am i trying to kid. Well into my OCD. But i must say, having cancer and chemo has changed that somewhat.
I decorated the lounge at the weekend. All by myself, which I'm quite proud about. And it looks lovely. I still have to buy some throws for the sofas, and some wall art and a huge mirror, but its habitable.
I did 2 coats on each wall and an extra one on the brown wall as it was still patchy.
I did the woodwork, but heres where the OCD came into play, or would have done PC (pre chemo).
I rubbed half of it down! Got fed up with doing it and my hands were getting a bit scratchy. And i painted it, but not very well. It looks ok as long as you don't look closely with a magnifying glass. But if you did look with a magnifying glass, i would accuse you of having worse OCD than me.
And do you know what???? I really don't care.
Where is the Jill we know? What have you done with her?
I cleaned the filthy french windows. They're still smeary!!! I don't care! I can see the little robin who keeps visiting and staring through at me in various positions and poses. He's trying to make me feel guilty so i go out and buy more meal worms.
I quite like this new Jill. One who doesn't worry quite so much about things that aren't that important.
However..... you know how i tend to get irritated by idiots, I'm getting fed up with Jeremy Kyle. Not that i held I'm in high esteem at any point, but i suppose its dawned on me, either that or I've remembered, that he's an egotistical, judgemental, self righteous, twat!
The way, when people are waiting to find out if the DNA proves 'he is the father', or 'she hasn't had sexual intercourse with anyone else', he pauses, and quite a long pause. These are important issues to some people, not all of them, granted, but to the more normal types on his show, these govern whether their life is ruined or not.
Can you imagine going to the doctor to get your test results?
'The test results show that you...............................do not have cancer!'
And yet Jezza thinks its acceptable to leave people who are upset and stressed to wait, for the benefit of his bank balance and the suspense of the viewers, for the results.
Shocking!
See no OCD but i have picked up intolerance, big style, and the other thing is my awareness of danger, not only for myself, for anyone, in real life or even on TV. To animals especially.
I have suddenly become aware if i eat a sweet and cough i could choke! Or if i step up a kerb i could trip and sprain an ankle! It doesn't stop me eating sweets or stepping onto kerbs but i am aware of the imminent danger.
Is there any hope for me?

Wednesday 8 October 2014

7.10.14

Oh what a weekend.
Landan with Mary was amazing.
We had lunch in Farnham followed by tea by the canal at Send. Arrived in Landan taan just in time to meet my Joe, and Marys Hannah. Dinner at The Abbeville. It was lovely. Fish and chips and then chocolate orange fondant with blood orange sorbet. Unbelieeeeeeevably amazing. Unfortunately i shared it with Joe so i wasn't too naughty.
The next day started with croissants and coffee.... and Bucks Fizz. It was Marys birthday. She's 13 days younger than me, but she looks about 13 years older!! But she hasn't put on 42 stone in weight and lost all her hair!!
Next we went to Liberties and did some shopping. What a lovely building.
As it was Marys birthday, and as Hannah had bought her the latest Ottolenghi cook book, we decided to eat at Nopi, Ottolenghis restaurant. We were meeting with Joe and Jon and i didn't think he'd appreciate Iranian food, so Mary and Hannah ate there alone and Mary was given an Ottolenghi cook book and the menu of the day signed by the man himself (or a forgery) and was given a sorbet with a candle in it. Joe, Jon and myself went to a chicken restaurant and had a wonderful italian burger with sweet potato fries. It was amazing, again.
We all went for a coffee together before Joe and Jon departed.
Next stop, Radio Bar and a bottle of Prosecco as we sat in the sun and watched the goings on in London at that height. Helicopters, and planes every couple of minutes. A whole host of women with drawn on eyebrows, false lashes and nails and streaky bleached hair. And so many smoking.
Mary had brought tickets for Wicked, so we made our way to the theatre by way of a rickshaw. Oh what fun we had. Our driver was mad. He made us all squeal with his erratic driving.
Wicked was wicked.
So full of colour and such a good idea.
Enough already. I was more than ready for bed.
We were staying at Hannahs digs.
Hannah stays with Tessa and her partner, who's dad lives near Mary. What a stylish flat.
Woke up after a well earned sleep and after another long chat, we headed off to Tower Bridge to see the poppies. It was stunning.
Found ourselves at St Catherines docks in Cafe Rouge for lunch, before Heron House. The Duck and Waffle, 40th floor.
The stories Hannah had for us with regards, buildings, businesses, shops. She knows nearly everything about London.
The whole weekend was just totally amazing. Magical. I can't wait for mine and Marys 55th birthday!
Back to reality.
I really don't like having to cook my own meals again.
Today was cardiologist day.
He decided i had to have the test that he's been umming and arring (not sure if thats the way to write that!) about. Yet another cannula......and air is injected into me, having been fizzed up so bubbles go into my lungs whilst the ultrasound camera is poised waiting for pictures. This shows if theres a hole between both sides of the heart and whether a clot could pass between. It was negative, thank goodness. If there had been a hole, i don't know what would have happened??? Open heart surgery maybe????
I have been discharged but i can call him if i need him. Maybe a follow up in a years time.
I have to continue the medication for now and commence aspirin.
He wants me to have regular exercise!!! Crazy fool.
On that note, I'm going to bed!


Tuesday 7 October 2014

2.10.14

Look at the date. October already.
On january 7th I got my results from my enlarged gland in my groin that I had excised. 9 months ago.
In that time I've been through 6 cycles of ABVD chemo. I knew id get through it, but at the time I wondered how yI'd get through it. And here i am. Chemo finished. 6week scan and results (good results too!). And now my first 3 month check up from the neck up (silly i know, but i had to say it!), is in a month or so.
I can't believe I've had cancer!
I think I've just got fat and bald for no reason!
The hair is returning and the weight is going, slowly.
I know physically I'm different. I don't have the low back ache i had before diagnosis. Obviously down to the lymphoma, but i didn't know that until fairly recently. It was a light bulb moment.
I was having physio and i asked her if it could be anything other than stiff joints cos it just seemed to go back to how it was each time she 'loosened' me up. She assured me it was just the latter. Now I'm more flexible and pain free in that department, now the cancer has gone from that area.
However, i have an unexplained cough of which i was x-rayed for and visiting the cardiologist next week for a further echo ultrasound.
My tender fingertips that weren't present during chemo, and disappeared a couple of weeks ago, are back again! A womans prerogative to change her mind i suppose.
My ankles seize up when i sit or lay so when i get into the upright position and attempt to walk....... OMG you should see me!!! I look like an OAP. They soon loosen up tho so i am able to sprint to the kitchen for cake.
Actually, very little cake for me! Im being a fairly good girl. Probably cos I'm so desperate to lose weight. I get it in my head i look a certain way and then catch sight of myself in a mirror and depression descends - almost enough to eat cake, anti depressant cake!
My shortness of breath is a lot better, but then i am on the tablets, which may be whats giving me the cough! I stopped taking them for 2 days last weekend to see if that was the cough cause, but on the third day my pulse was 105! So I'm back on them again after a discussion with the cardiologist.
Im still very intolerant, but I'm not sure that can be blamed on the chemo!
A recent intolerance of mine, silly i know, unnecessary i know. The new programme on TV, Judge Rinder, he has a lady called Rochelle who collects documents for him from the lunatics who have put themselves in his courtroom. She's very smartly dressed and she wears high heels, black ones. They're so high she can't walk in them! She's on national TV, tottering around like a teenager in stilettos trying to impress boys. Does she know how ridiculous she looks? I presume not.
Flip flops are the way to go. No blisters, no squashed toes and certainly not looking like you're part of the Ministry of silly walks, and looking like you've  pooped yourself!
Anyway, my recovery is going well.
My second weekend away is coming up, in fact its tomorrow.
Im off to London with Mary, staying with her daughter Hannah and seeing my baby Joe. Its gonna be epic. Cant wait. Mary and i have a great time together, so we have a whole weekend of it.
My last night duty this week. Off to Marys for some brekky and a shower before we head off for Landan Taan!
Im sat in my bed at work wondering if I've packed everything i need???
Phone charger, check. Toiletries, check. Marys birthday card, check. Medication, check. What i didn't pack was mousetraps! I can hear the little blighters scratching around in the attic!
Its home from home here. At least mice are a little quieter than rats!!