19.10.14

As you know, I'm an upbeat sort of person most of the time. However, last night i took a bit of a downer! Im ok now, normal service has been resumed, but i'll tell you why i went down. Its another effect of having cancer, that other mortals probably wouldn't even realise would effect us cancer warriors.
You see the photos of us holding up cards saying 'last chemo' or 'i kicked cancers arse'. You see us bald, losing weight, or in my case, putting it on. You hear the stories of scans and cannulas, and poisons and feeling rough.
You don't see whats inside.
Im sure I've mentioned before, theres a Hodgkins Lymphoma page on FB which i visit regularly, maybe daily. Sufferers at various points, pre diagnosis, pre chemo, during chemo, and post chemo, go on there for support, advice and sometimes just a cyber hug.
One lady, who's been through the mill a bit, came on saying her scan results shows her disease has reduced, but she's still not in remission. She's going to have a stem cell transplant (bone marrow transplant) using a donor rather than her own cells. She's been told this is pretty much her only option, and the word 'death' was mentioned.
I know she's been battling this disease for a while now, but even so, it must be very scary for her. And there for the grace of God go I. And all of us.
I was told from day one, not to worry, its completely curable, obviously by an idiot! Curable for the majority, yes, but not for all. And you never know which group you're in! Since my 4th dose of chemo, my cancer has done one! Thats not to say its done one for life. It could come back. The longer i go without it, the more likely it is to stay away, but thats not a dead cert, excuse the pun.
But seeing others go through an awful time, worse than me, gives me a sudden realisation of how fragile we all are.  Its a lottery whether we get 'it' or not. And its pot luck whether it comes back or not.
So, even though everyone, friends and family are rejoicing over the fact that i have 'complete metabolic response', in reality, theres a long way to go, in fact, i will never be free of the possibility of its return, which leads me, and my fellow warriors, to live life on the edge. A life sentence. A continual underlying sense of doom.
This is my life, and as we're all aware just lately, a lot of peoples lives.
And because of this, i suggest you all bring me Cadburys on a regular basis!
Only joking. All i ask is that you be tolerant and show some understanding to the turmoil that bubbles below the surface.
Now where did i put that chocky?