Sunday 19 April 2015

15.4.15

Well hello there!
So nice to see you again.
You're probably thinking what a lazy hag I've been, not blogged since february i think.
Ive been a busy bee.
Busy doing my usual job of complaining and whingeing! But not as much as i usually do as i continue on my journey of recovery.
I use that word, recovery, loosely.
Ive been on a diet!!! Ive lost a stone so far and I'm in the zone.
Ive been going to the gym, attending the aquarobics class. One of the aquarobic instructors is about 25 years old, and the size of one of my legs!
It doesn't do us fat old swimmers self esteem any good.
Another is a man, and he really makes us work.
Needless to say, losing weight and splashing about in the tub has helped my joints.
I was starting to worry cos i was finding my hips were seizing up. I couldn't do the frog leg part of swimming cos it was too painful. I think they are marginally better now.
And the sun has got his hat on too.
Ive been very fatigued tho. Usually after the weekend, cos i have such funfilled, busy, busy, busy weekends!!! Anxiety also, which is something i don't normally suffer from.
Ive been having counselling. I just thought a bit of a chat with someone who knows what he/she is talking about might help with the anxiety cos i don't wanna go down the route of anti depressants.
My first session, i sobbed all the way through!!!! I really don't know why. I wasn't feeling sad before i arrived - although my arrival was enough to make anyone cry.
I arrived with plenty of time, and just as well. I managed to park ok but finding the correct building was like looking for an honest politician. Myself, and another unsuspecting nutter, walked round and round and eventually found the small building with a tiny sign on it. The other nutter didn't have the added problem of dodgy joints so he arrived before me.
I must say i think the counselling helped. Because she (I've forgotten her name already!), reassured me my feelings were not abnormal, she agreed with my issues, i was able to accept the problems as not mine but others who couldn't be arsed!
I was told by another cancer sufferer that after chemo finishes, everyone stops bothering about you. She was right, but unfortunately, i felt during chemo a lot of long time friends stopped bothering about me. And I'm not the only one to go through this. Many of my chemo friends have suffered with the same problem.
It seems widespread that people don't want to know you when you have cancer. Don't get me wrong, some have been wonderful. But they are few and far between. I really thought friends would 'rally round'. Sending me messages, phone calls, visiting, keeping in contact and telling me what they're up to so i don't have to think about me and my health problems constantly. To start with, some friends did, but it slackened off dramatically after a couple of chemo's. Except for the few who really cared. Thats the time when you need friends round you. They didn't need to do jobs for me, or buy gifts, although many did, just to know they were there, supporting me was all i needed.
Some have since apologised and said they were just so busy at that time with their family.
Strangely, some friends came out of the woodwork and supported me, some i would never have expected to hear from.
A few friends bent over backwards to help me, juggling their diary entries - for me!
One very close friend of mine who was wonderful during my treatment, seemed to really pull back after chemo stopped without a word to me as to why, giving me so much anxiety. Ive since found out from her, she was just too busy! I think the words 'me time' were mentioned. Such a surprise as she was an absolute darling during my difficult time, we spent so much time together, so hard to take it that she doesn't have time for me anymore!
Another, a nurse, has spoken to me since chemo and was surprised to find i was suffering from painful joints, short of breath, indigestion, sensitive fingers and toes, etc etc etc. 'But i thought you were in remission!'
You don't magically get over cancer (and a heart attack). It may medically be gone, but you have it, or the effects of it, forever. Im a new person, a more anxious and vulnerable person.
On the Hodgkins site, most tell a similar story, of loneliness and upset and surprise.

The whole hl ordeal has been the loneliest time of my life. My relationship ended my closest friends are no where to be seen cancer really sucks why does everyone disappear when you need them the most??

I know that feeling. practically all of my family abandoned me when I started chemo so if you ever need someone to talk to please turn to this group. They were so helpful to me when I was going through it all and don't be afraid to speak to your nurses if you ever get down. I ended up having a bit of a meltdown when I bottled it up and ended up on diazepam to cope

When will we stop making excuses for people who 'don't know how to handle it'??!!! As if any of us going through it knew how to handle it, we had no choice but to bloody well get on with it!! 


My take on it then was a feeling of hurt and loneliness. Of course, i was on steroids too, which made me emotional and a gibbering wreck at times. I had a handful of friends (and my boys) who were there for me, and a few that sent me regular messages and support. But i was surprised to find i was sent to Coventry by some really close friends, and Coventry isn't the best place  to be at the best of times. (Sorry Coventry!)
My take on it now? I don't have expectations of them now, so i can't be disappointed.
You certainly find out who your REAL friends are.






Thursday 16 April 2015

3.3.15

Ive just found this draft that i did in march.  I'll publish it now, but bare in mind that the dates are all cock-a-hoop!

My mother was a brain box. The reason i say this???
I was driving home from Chris's house  on monday morning, singing along to my iPod, and a song came on that made me smile.
'More than a woman' by the Bee Gees, from Saturday Night Fever.
My mum used to think the words were, 'Bald headed woman!' And i used to be a bald headed woman!!!
Its little trinkets like this that make life worthwhile.