11.11.14

Im an imposter. Where has Jill gone?
I have fooled myself that chemo has finished, I'm  in remission. I am over it!
I know i have side effects from the chemo, its normal!
Joint pain making it a bit more difficult to walk when i first get up.
My finger tips are sore intermittently. One day i can open a bottle, the next day i can't.
My cough also seems to be intermittent. I thought it was the tabs i was on, but I've decided its just the chemo. Its not bad at the mo, next week it may be back.
My feet! I thought i was the only one with this one. If i wear shoes, theres every chance i can get a blister. I might not, but i might! I have spots on my feet, well not spots, areas, that get tender. As if i have a bursitis, a small sac of fluid there for lubrication that has become swollen and inflamed. Very tender. Ive found on the US site, theres a few people that have complained about this. Hurrah, i thought it was me being precious!
The fatigue is intermittent. Sometimes i can shop, or walk or decorate rooms. Other days i can't!
There are other things, but my 'chemo brain' won't allow me to recall them at this early hour, and probably not at a later hour either!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not down or depressed, i rarely do down and depressed. Im happy, i enjoy overdoing it a bit so i ache. I feel rewarded when i do something. Im looking forward to doing some more decorating soon.
But i was told chemo/cancer would change me and i didn't think it would, and i didn't think it had, but it obviously has.
The thing that seems to bother all chemo sufferers, or most anyway, is that people don't understand.  They think its over now so you must be back to normal. They say, 'You're looking good', but you don't feel it. You feel better than going through chemo, but not back to your normal. And you probably never will. You have a new normal. This is it.
I make it difficult for myself by being the clown. Thats my pre and post chemo normal. People think if I'm a clown, I'm back to normal. I was a clown all the way through, obviously not all the time, but for quite a bit of it.
Im one of the positive ones. I think i deal with it quite well, certainly compared to some others. But even me, the clown, have more anxiety about things.
Healing is an ongoing thing. Physically, the symptoms can be with you for life, at a greater and sometimes lesser degree. Mentally, you're a nutter now! Feeling yourself constantly for lumps etc. Never good when you do it in public!
The HL site is excellent cos you've all been through it, but equally you see when people relapse, that they worry about a new lump or itching. You see counselling being advised.
And you worry about sounding like you're a hypochondriac. You don't want to bore your friends and family or for them to get irritated cos you're worrying about things, or whinging about an ache or pain.
I will never be what i was before and even some close friends and family seem to think i should be!
It would be so nice if they just understood, but they never will, however hard they try.