19.2.14

Sorry i missed a day again.
This time there was a good reason.
I feel so sad.
I have spent my life looking for a nice boyfriend. And last october 13th i found one. He's so lovely. Intelligent, wonderful sense of humour, caring, full of empathy, and a wonderful protective father.
We chat twice a day, 7am and 10pm, and we txt during the day sometimes. I see him most saturdays. He comes round, we go for dinner, then we sit with a bottle of Prosecco in front of the tv on my cuddle chair and we chat and giggle and kiss and cuddle. Its been lovely. He's put such a smile on my face.
I know its been difficult for him. He reluctantly told me about the horrendous time he had last year when his wife died. I feel for him and his family.
Since we've been together he's had even more bad family news. But i didn't realise how bad he was feeling. He never said.
Not last weekend, but the one before, we had such a wonderful weekend again. When he left i felt really happy and looked forward to the next time of seeing him. He was gonna send my Valentines card, cos he forgot it.
I received it and it put the biggest grin on my face.
Since my chemo its been every other weekend that I've seen him cos of various problems I've had to endure - I'm not gonna name names, but constipation etc!!! And i didn't want him to endure it as well!! If you get me?
But imagine to my horror when he stopped talking to me.
I imagined everything. He was depressed, a family member was in trouble, he was in hospital, he was found hanging!!! My minds list was endless.
Well after sending him txts asking if he was ok, he replied with ' No I'm very sad about everything and not in the right frame of mind to chat, sorry.'
Well at least i knew. Id give him some time and wait for him to feel a bit better and we'd carry on the wonderful times we have together. We even talked about a holiday after my chemo.
I continued to send supportive txts. But yesterday i received a letter through the post. My heart sank. Here it is...... Dear John, or the female equivalent.
It was a nice letter saying how he was struggling badly with the loss of his wife, and how he couldn't bear to see me suffer. He knew i was putting a brave face on things but he knew i was having a hard time. Well if you've read my blog, I've put the things i have found problem with, but its certainly no tale of doom and gloom. My journey has been enlightening, albeit id rather not go through it, i have had some fun along the way. And in a strange way, its almost been cathartic.
Well he didn't say its over. He said he didn't want me to hate him and what would i think of him. Well of course i don't hate him. Im very understanding and tolerant, despite my blog about becoming intolerant! Thats with phone calls and drivers etc, not someone who's been through the mill and back.
Well i txted him immediately to set his mind at rest. I suggested we find coping strategies. I said i didn't want to lose him. All the things we share, the good times.
I sent a longer response on Skype which he said he would read, 'but its not that simple'. I presume that was in response to my txt. Well that did it. I realised it wasn't gonna be easy to talk him round.
So at 3am i sent another round of artillery on Skype.
I have no idea if he read the first message and i don't know if he's read the second. If he has, he's not told me. And he certainly hasn't replied to the bit when i said, 'please let me know if we can be together or not!'
My gut feeling is - its over. He can't cope with it. But if I'm not in his life, will he feel better? I doubt that, not cos I'm blowing my own trumpet, but cos we had fun, and if you have fun it lessens your pain a little.
So i apologise for the lack of humour in my normally humorous  blog, but the sentiment just isn't there today.
However, tomorrow, normal service will be resumed. I promise.