9.4.14

Its amazing how my life has changed in the last 4 months.
I used to be a lady who lunched. Retail therapy. A member of a Rock Choir. And i enjoyed going to work, be it looking after my lady with a brain injury, or doing sugaring, massage, nails, etc.
I visited friends and i laughed and joked. I was cheeky and flirty.
Oh to go back to those times. Or better still to go forward to those times when I'm like that again.
I have become a person who uses words like cannula, pegfilgastrim, and neutropenia on a regular basis, with a full understanding of the words. Im almost medically trained with my new knowledge.
Im a woman who is caught up in herself and her health problems. I think about me now. Im not comfortable with that. Being a mum, you think of your offspring.  Now my offspring think about me. Sam tells me off if i do something i shouldn't. He clucks over me. 'Don't do too much. Sit down and rest. What do you want to eat? Cup of tea?'
Bless him.
Chris and Joe show me their concern. They worry about me. Chris laughs at me when I'm emotional. It puts it in perspective, and makes me laugh.
Im obsessed with my symptoms, of aches and pains, indigestion, wind, constipation, nausea, mucositis, tummy ache. Poor me.
Hair loss, weight gain, emotional moments and sobbing for no reason. Crying over the tragedy of Peaches Geldofs death and then crying cos someones put a nice video on Facebook. Sometimes not knowing whether to laugh or cry so doing them both together.
I have become intolerant (even more than i was!!). Wanting to shock people who 'cross' me with, 'I have cancer and you've just got me out of bed to ask if I've heard of your charity!'
But i have amazed myself at what i am going through. Who'd have thought id be ok about having cannulas on a regular basis, that id say things like, 'I'm nauseous but i can cope with it!'
When you're in this place, you do cope. You don't have a choice. And I'm hoping at the end of it i will be a stronger person. Someone with a deep insight to another persons suffering.  I had empathy before, but i feel it even deeper now.
At the moment tho, i will soak up the love.
Linda and my boys, Jenni, Linzi and Mary. Lyn walking the dogs when i don't have the energy. Mandys practical help. All my new lymphoma friends, Mike, Christine, Joan, Lizzie and Liz, Emma and Helen, to name just a few. They're all inspirational people who are going or have gone through something similar to me. My many friends on Facebook that leave me messages and comments, and the friends not on Facebook too. Far too many to mention.
The people who i don't know who have sent me gifts! Yes, people Ive never met have sent me gifts! How amazing is that?
Hope i haven't forgotten someone, or offended anyone! If i have, i will blame it on chemo brain! Im worrying now, in case i have forgotten someone!!!!
So many people have made lovely gestures.
Do you know, when I'm feeling low, when I'm sick or in pain, when i don't think i can do it anymore, its all this love that helps me through. The support, the encouragement. Its worth a million pounds.
I am rich.