23.4.14

Oh bugger!
I fell asleep again. Every evening from about 10pm onwards, i fall asleep and then when i wake I'm unable to go back to sleep.
So its gone 11pm and i haven't written my scintillating blog!
So here it is. Written whilst I'm totally and annoyingly wide awake.
Ive noticed there's a lot of psychological stuff going on.
I said a few days ago about how i feel like i constantly have a cannula being put in. Its like an anxiety about having another one put in. I have to have at least another 6 so i better get used to it. Its like a nerve type pain, and i think its purely psychological. It aches. I don't know if its cos of the bruising, or if my veins are affected by the poison, but whatever it is, i don't like it.
My bathroom has become part of my 'chemo nightmare'. It seems to have a smell about it that i recognise as chemo. Not a nasty smell, not a body smell, but a slightly perfumed smell. I think its my normal bathroom cleanliness smell, but i associate it with chemo and a negative feeling. Ive tried today to put a reed diffuser in there to mask the smell, but the reed diffuser is making me feel nauseous so ill have to put it in the spare room till I'm over my psychological nauseating smell problem.
I find it difficult to swallow when i have to take medicine now. Whatever it is, steroid, antacid, panadol, it just sits in the back of my mouth along with a mouthful of water that is unable to go over the edge.
But the biggest psychological thing........the thought of the hospital!
Just thinking of parking in the carpark, or dragging myself through the walkway to the Dorset Cancer Centre. The thought of going into my chemo room and putting my arm into a bucket of hot water to encourage my vein to 'pop' out. The insertion of the cannula. The thought of having an IV injection of anti emetics, steroids, chemo drugs or anything else to be quite frank with you, fills me with dread. It is such a powerful feeling. It makes me feel headachy and nauseous. Really!
How powerful is that?
Im wondering if i should have hypnotherapy to lessen the stress.
I need to try and associate the above negativities, positively!
I think that will be the job for tomorrow. I shall google it. I shall find a way to stop thinking forward and pooping myself!
Otherwise its been an ok day.
The power to the garage was lost and my freezer started to defrost. Luckily, it being the dog food freezer mainly, and there not being much in it, it wasn't a big problem.
A few chicken livers and hearts defrosted, and there was chicken necks galore for my 2 girlies! It was a win win situation for them.
Its been sorted now, hallelujah.
And the rat problem was addressed. Wessex Water attended my manhole cover! More poison was applied (is that another psychological problem i wonder! Poison!) in the hope that the 'clever animals' will get fed up with all the deathly poison and move to another house????
Surely the poison will kill them (oh psychological stuff get out of my head!) so they will be unable to move anywhere. They will sit and rot under my floorboards, making me even more nauseous!
Anyway, Mr Wessex Ratman rang my doorbell at about 7.30 whilst i was mopping out my defrosting freezer. I rushed to the door in my dressing gown with the doggie footprints, and i mean muddy ones, not a pattern on the gown, and a delightful turquoise hand knitted oversized and partly rolled up woolly hat, that i keep on my bed for when my head is cold.
He explained the plan of action and rentokil was mentioned to be called out (result) and he apologised for the job dragging out considering he realised i was having chemo (i had used the chemo card to get them to sort the problem quicker, you don't need bluebottles flying round your kitchen when you're trying to allay any bacteria). I smiled at him, aware of how ridiculous i was looking, and pointed to my stylish titfer (hat!), 'Yes, hence this little darling!!!'
He also had a woolly titfer!
'Are you having chemo too?' i asked.
We both laughed! It was kind of a nice moment.