19.4.14

Ive been laying here deliberating.
How did i get here? The cancer thing.
When i was younger i decided many things were bad for me.
I never used aerosols. I changed to using the crystal deodorant, i lectured my sons about roll ons etc, if i used air freshener i would take a deep breath, spray and close the door quickly.
I used toiletries with the least nasty chemicals, hair dyes from the health shop with less nasty stuff.
I don't smoke, i drink very little. I do however have a good appetite, too good hence the constant 'cutting down'.
Is that what caused me to get cancer?
My birth mother (i was adopted) had a breast lump removed pre menopause and i believe she's been cancer free ever since. I don't have contact with her but I'm sure my cousin would tell me if it came back.
Is it my laptop that sits on my lap regularly, thats the area where it started?
The mind boggles. Maybe theres no reason.
My lovely mum had bowel cancer and liver cancer, not sure which was the primary, i would think bowel. But she had a healthy diet, and she never drank alcohol or smoked.
What is it thats causing all this cancer?
I read some research that said it was our lifestyles but the main reason is age.
My birth mother had it at 48 ish and i have it at 53.
I will never know the answer.
Im just glad its gone and hope it stays gone.
The chemo. Its a strange one. Its not sposed to be nice, and its not. But at times it surprises me how its not too bad. Other times not so good. But you seem to get in a bit of a routine.
The worst bit for me is having it. Not cos it makes me feel ill there and then. Its a psychological thing with me.
Going to the hospital itself makes me feel nauseous, very mildly, but nauseous all the same.
The moment i get there, i am desperate to leave, and yet me and Linda make the best of it. We take a picnic. We make plans together of things we'll do during chemo and after. We order things on line. We laugh and joke.
The next negative is the cannula. You do get used to them, and i never had a real problem with needles. I don't like them but it has to be done. As soon as its in i feel like a prisoner. I can't move my arm. I just sit there with a horrid feeling - Get it out!!!
Then the drugs. The anti emetic to stop me feeling sick. I have to have it, it works for me. But as it goes in  i hate it. I have to wait for an hour for that and the oral anti emetic that i have at the same time to work. So i sit with saline (salt water) dripping in to me. Then hydrocortisone, again, yuk, but its better than the IV dexamethasone (this in tablet form is what keeps me feeling good for 5 days after. My life savers!). Then the 4 nasty drugs.
Doxorubicin
Bleomycin
Vincristine
Dacarbazine
Nasty strong poisons that all have different effects. But they've saved my life!!!!
Dr Jack told me if i didn't have the chemo, id be dead in 2 years! He's such a sweet talker.
Having the first 3 of these is fairly quick, which suits me, but the fourth one takes a couple of hours.
Ive started to wake early on chemo day specially so i can doze through this last one to make the time go faster. Its worked a couple of times. And usually, bless her heart, Linda rubs my feet.
I really can't tell you the worth of that girl. I couldn't have done it with out her, I CANT do it without her.  Not just cos she rubs my feet. She's gone over and above anything i would ever expect any friend to do, and i will be forever in her debt. Her husband Ian, and Kerrie and Luke also need mentioning here, cos she's put me first so many times. And they have to put up with the effect all my worries must have had on her.
So when the last lot of crap has gone into me, i have a quick bit of saline again to flush everything through.
Then the cannulas removed. I feel like singing when this happens. Its such an amazing feeling. I don't even care how 'roughly' its removed. Not that they remove it roughly, but pulling at the tape that sticks it to me.  I would even just pull it out, thats how desperate i feel to get the bugger out.
I have an injection of pegfilgastrim which gets my white cells topped up, and then i can escape.
I hate the journey home, again psychological, cos i don't know if I'm gonna be laughing and joking, or deadly silent, feeling rough.
As soon as I'm home, i hardly speak to Linda or my Sam who's waiting at home, having hoovered and tidied, bless him.
I go to my room and get in bed and wait to see what happens.
This last one has been quite good compared to about 4 others.
I so hope it stays like this till the end. It would make life a lot easier to cope with.
There are many little symptoms which are really irritating and not nice, but i can cope with them. Ive mentioned them before, but a quick list, just so they're all on this blog.

Nausea - fairly mild most of the time.
Headache, dizziness, 'spaced out'.
Constipation and wind!!!
Indigestion.
Mucositis where the digestive tract is irritated and inflamed. Really horrid this one. Sore tongue, sore throat and tummy. Gaviscon helps a bit.
Memory loss and stupidity!!! This one is frustrating, but a bit of fun at times. I have the mickey taken regularly!
Hair loss!! Also fun. Ive quite enjoyed the transformation, but I'm looking forward to not wearing silly hats.
Emotions. I believe it to be the steroids. I can cry for no reason. Usually its on the monday, day 7. Ive usually finished the steroids by sunday morning, so monday i let rip! I don't feel sad. Chris and Sam usually take the mickey out of me, which actually helps and makes me laugh at the same time.
Im sure there are other symptoms, but i can't remember!!

By day 8 I have the switch flick moment when about 10 in the morning i just feel wonderful. Its weird. Then i tend to overdo things until the next chemo!

And I'm halfway there. Only 6 more doses and its done, and hopefully done for good. I have to have regular check ups, and my worry is, i won't know if its coming back. Everyone else has nodes in the neck that tend to enlarge, not normally anything sinister, but thats where it started and they can see it if it returns or even if they have a slight cold! But mine was in a different place, the groin. The glands were removed, so everything else was inside my abdomen. I won't see any change. Im gonna be paranoid, like all the other HL sufferers.

What I'm trying to say is, if you or a loved one ever find yourself needing treatment, it is manageable. I know were all different, and we all react differently, and all chemos are different, but try to be positive, cos i think thats helped me a great deal. And its so nice getting all the comments on Facebook. They usually make me cry at day 7, but they really build me up and make me feel like i can do this. So thanks to all the people who have helped me. You know who you are!!!

Well I've rambled on here, i hope its not all too repetitive. It was more to put it all on one blog for clarity for me.

Hope you enjoy your Easter time, I'm gonna do my best to enjoy mine.