13.08.15

What i find ironic.....
I was told by my haematologist that it would be very unlikely for me to relapse. He feels i could be 'cured', and 'for life'!  So you'd think id be happy with that! But you have no guarantees. And i can worry till my dying day, and only then will i be able to appreciate that i was cured!
Do you see what i mean? It could come back tomorrow, but it might not! And no percentages, like its 50/50 whether it returns,  make me feel happier, or worse. I can't appreciate being 'cured for life' till i die!
Its a funny old world.
Well its coming up to my 5th 3 monthly check up, from the neck up! I don't know why i always feel the need to say, 'check up from the neck up' cos actually its from the neck down! Of course the same old fears arise. I have a lump in my groin, but I'm sure its scar tissue. Itching, sweats, and of course they can all be explained away, but equally 2+2 can be put together and add up to 5!
What a way to live my life, and I'm not the only one.
So don't assume, 'He/she is in remission. He/she is cured. He/she is back to normal.'
Yes we are 'normal' but its not 'back to normal'. This is our new normal.
A new normal, filled with anxiety, some well hidden, some not hidden at all. I would liken it to post traumatic stress disorder. Well i suppose it is PTSD for some people.
So many relationships are lost due to cancer. Friendships, spouses and partners, and sometimes family members. Usually people who don't understand and can't empathise. Or can't be bothered to empathise. Its too much like hard work to try and understand how someone is feeling. They don't want to waste a few minutes of their healthy life listening to what someone else has been through.
Theres nothing better, in a world of very little understanding, to talk to someone, and they 'get you'.
Its a lonely life where you feel its best you keep quiet, although you'd like to 'educate' someone or unburden yourself, just striving for someone to understand. But if you do, they think, 'here she goes again, GET OVER IT!'
Thank goodness for the UK Hodgkins Lymphoma Support Group.