6.5.15

Im like a bus (no rude comments please). Nothing for ages then they all come along at once.
Yes another blog within 2 days of the last one.
Am i awakening from my chemo brain? Will i remember what i was gonna blog about by the time I've finished writing this introduction?
Yes i will!
I notice how obsessed we seem to be about dates.
We obviously remember our birthdays and christmas, easter and new year, cos they're all associated with fun for most people.
But deaths and accidents, when i was diagnosed, when i had treatment!
We must be crazy!
Why on earth do we want to remember 'the day mum died'? Why do we want to inflict more pain on ourselves?
I miss my mum, and i always remember her birthday, 16th february. But theres no way i want to remember the date of her death.  I know it was august some time, but i really don't want to be reminded of that painful day and all that happened.
I want to remember my lovely mum as she was, a warm, lovely, sweet person who loved me dearly and i loved her in return.
I don't want to remember the day i was told i had cancer, or the day i started my treatment. I don't want to know when it was that i had a heart attack. I do want to remember when my last chemo was and when i was told i was in remission. Thats something good and happy, something to celebrate.
I know some people who wait for their 'bad anniversaries' and sit and dwell on it. They become depressed and sad. Who needs that in a life where they've suffered already?
Inadvertently i do remember some bad dates. I don't want to, and I'm sure at some stage i will forget.
I remember my first wedding anniversary date, 30th june. I don't have an issue with my first ex husband, but my second wedding day.... i know it was may and i think it may have a 7 in it, but i can't remember, and i can't remember his birthday either. And neither do i want to remember!!!!
The mind......its a funny old thing!
I find a similar thing with graves.
Some people go to their loved ones graves and take flowers, maybe a few tears and a conversation as if their loved one was there. Maybe they are?
I don't have any graves to go to. My dad who died when i was a toddler, my brother when i was 16. My mum and dad who died 15 years ago.
No graves. They were all scattered. I don't know what happened to dad, but my brother was scattered over a rose bush at bournemouth cemetery in Charminster. I don't know which one, and i don't feel the need to find out which one. I have my memories.
Mum died first 15 years ago. It was a surreal time of diagnosis and death all within 3 weeks. Dad of course decided to put 'her' under the conifer by the front door of their home.
When he went, we decided to scatter the two of them at Mudeford, one of their favourite places. They used to go there often and sit in the car overlooking the waves with their flask of tea. They loved it there.
My nephew met me at mum and dads house, ready to dig mum up so we could scatter them together. I remember the day, it was mothering sunday! I remember thinking i was taking mum out for mothers day! She would have appreciated that little joke.
Unfortunately, dad had tipped mum out of her container into the soil so we were unable to dig her up!
So they weren't scattered together. But that doesn't worry me. I didn't spend time feeling sad. Who knows what really happens when we die. In my head i have justified it that mum stayed at the house that she lived happily for many years, firstly with my dad who died when i was a toddler and then my dad who become my dad from when i was 5 years old.
Im sure if theres a heaven Mum will be there with dad number one playing the piano to her, and dad number 2 will be there making her cups of coffee and hopefully his first wife, who also had died, will be there too. In fact mum and first wife will both be comparing notes about all his faults! Minor faults i might add. Washing up and the plates coming out dirtier than when they went into the wash bowl! His inability to cook food that remained edible! He was a funny old bugger.
But each to their own. If some people find comfort in talking to a grave, believing their loved one's there, then thats absolutely fine.
What i do find odd is when people get upset with objects that belonged to their relative.
I know someone who inherited an ironing board when her mum died. Inherited is the wrong word really. It wasn't left in the will or anything. She just took the ironing board cos she needed one and 'mum' didn't need it any more, and I'm sure there were other items that she benefited from. But i did feel quite surprised when she told me,
'I can't do the ironing cos i just constantly cry cos it was mums!'
So she spent the next 6 months all creased and tatty!
Thats a step too far for me, maybe not others, but for me!
I have plenty of mum and dads things and i smile when i use them. Its a memory for me, a reminder.
I try and fill my memories with the nicer things in the past and not the painful dates of distress.
Memories??? Me??? Maybe its all coming back to me?