10.2.15
Hello. Its been a while.
Ive been carrying on my fight with weight gain, and losing the battle. Apparently, according to Magda at the leisure centre, I'm eating too much fruit.
Sugar = insulin = weight gain!
Surely a banana and grapes is better than a biscuit or two!!! Or a slice of cake???
So I've been aquarobicing 2 or 3 times a week. Ive been walking the dogs with Lyn in the morning, and really trying hard to stay active.
Theres one thing tho. Anxiety and paranoia! Although that is 2 things! My maths has never been good.
I see photos on FB of lymphoma patients holding up placards saying, 'Im kicking cancers ass!' and 'last chemo' and they look so happy.
I remember that time. I was so elated the day i finished. I rang the bell and cried a bit, trying hard not to, cos it was embarrassing!
So what happened between that elation and now?
Realisation happened.
I was in remission then, but who knows where i am now? I may be in remission, i may not. Thats today. Tomorrow, i may be in remission, i may not. Thursday, friday, saturday, march, april......i may be in remission, i may not. You never know if its back, you never know if its gonna come back.
Its called living life on the edge!
So i feel sorry when i see these wonderful photos. Photos of brave people who think their battle is won. Reality will dawn on you soon.
Oh god that sounds so depressing and so defeatist.
But what if we never had lymphoma? We all stand a chance of getting the big C. At least, id like to think, I'm being 'watched'.
Am i luckier than the others who haven't tasted the fear yet?
I feel the need to say don't worry! To cancel out the negativity that I've just written. Each day brings us closer to better treatments and cures. I think its the case that we'll have to live with cancer in our lives. It will become more normal and hopefully less frightening.
And i really don't wanna ruin that wonderful moment for victors who win their battles.
Many people who have won, stay the victors for a long time and even for ever. We just need to show more courage and continue to live our lives without the stress of relapse hanging over us.
Those are the true winners.
Not negative at all -You're a realist! :) ...At least that's what I tell myself, lol! I find people I haven't seen in a while are always like "So, you're ok now, yeah?" and I don't know know what to say... It would be silly for me to think that I'll ever be ok when I hear so many stories of relapsing. Don't be so hard on yourself though -The fact that you are worrying about weight, exercise, normal things, is a sign that you are managing to live your life through the fear of relapse :) xxx
ReplyDeleteI may be a realist, (you too) but not everyone sees things the way i do. I don't want to ruin it for them. We are the best we can be at the moment! We hope for improvement, but we don't expect it. This is my new normal, until it changes, and I'm ok with that. xxx
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