10.09.21

It only seems like yesterday i was starting chemo, but it was 21 months ago. Even tho at the time, it dragged, its also whizzed by.
Ive become aware how negative my life has become. Not completely negative. Im a positive person. But when i compare my conversations from before diagnosis and now, theres a lot about health issues.  Cancer has become a large part of my life, its never far from my mind. And lets face it, i have plenty of alone time to stew over it.
In some ways I'm very proud of what I've been through and how i coped and managed it all. It wasn't a walk in the park! But in other ways i hate that my life has negative patches that weren't there before. And its nothing i can 'move on' from as a friend suggested the other day. "Maybe you can move on if you leave the support group!' To say i was stunned is an understatement. I had explained what the support group was for me. People who had been through the same or similar who were able to empathise and understand fully. They are my first port of call for support when i have any issue with regard my health. They are amazing people. My family are my second port of call. Friends my third port of call.
So to leave the group and 'move on' just doesn't figure.
I know people don't want to hear negativity and they want things to go back to normal, but it doesn't work like that. Id love to go back to normal, but this is normal for me.
It has changed me. Im a different person.
Living with the knowledge that you're now at risk of a further cancer because of the chemo. That the cancer you had could return - thats why you have 3 monthly check ups. Its not just for a catch up with your oncologist.
Of course thats not exclusive to me, as I've been told by a friend. Others also worry about getting cancer, but once you've been through it, its with you forever. Its like a life sentence with no parole. But its how you deal with it. I think i deal with it pretty well. Im not depressed, nor do i spend any time crying over what i went through. I try to get on with my life and not let it stop me doing things that I'm able to do. I laugh and joke about it most of the time. But its always there.
So today is rheumatologist day. I am hoping nothing is going to be inserted, anywhere! A feel of the spine or the joints is ok, but come near me with anything metal and sharp, or covered in KY jelly isn't gonna work. Not today please! A nice gentle massage or a pedicure.
Well she was very nice and understanding. Nothing was inserted and I've been referred to the scan department for an MRI of my spine. So that'll be fun!