12.06.15

June already.
Blazing June, apparently. Theres been a few nice days but last night the thunder and lightning was amazing. Fork and sheet at the same time.
That makes me smile. Fork and sheet, forking sheet, f*cking sh*t!!!
I really think someones popping drugs in my cocoa!
Since my last blog, I've been on holiday to France. Had such a wonderful time with my lovely, lovely friend Annette and Colin the Clown.
She and i are like 2 peas in a pod but I'm the attractive one!!!

Colin makes me laugh so much.
So a good week was had, but i ate too much, so back on the diet.
Did loads of things apart from eating. Had BBQ's (oh thats still eating), i drank copious amounts of Prosecco (still sort of eating), went to different beaches where Colin fished, you should have seen the one that got away, and Annette and i collected shells and threw the ball for Finn the dog from Finistere. I cuddled Ziggy the cat, and held the week old chick, Chalky White.
An idyllic lifestyle they have and I'm envious.
But boy, the following week....... fatigue arrived.
Im not worried about the fatigue. It just is an excuse to put my feet up and try and get through the copious amount of recordings on the tv.
Last weekend was Rock Choirs 10th anniversary and we celebrated at the NEC - Genting Arena.
Why call it the Genting Arena, i wonder? It reminds me of the words cottaging, hustling or cruising. There's the drugs again!!!
Had a magnificent day.

And again, fatigue. Its amazing how you do too much and then you're out of the race for a bit.   

         

15.5.15

What a lovely semi symmetrical date.
Well today was the day! My 3rd 3 monthly check up with the delightful Dr Jack.
Im normally dreading the, 'lets weigh you,' bit, but of course, 1 stone and 4 lbs down, i was positively champing at the bit to jump on.
He was so impressed. I told him all about the diet that I've been on. He was disgusted that i had to have black tea and coffee. I told him, 'strong and black, like my men.' He replied, 'In your dreams!' He's so interested in everything i say. It makes me feel so special. Im sure he's like that with everyone tho. I told him about my stiff joints, they're slightly better since losing weight, well I'm slightly better all over since losing weight.  He told me to keep up with the swimming and aquarobics. I told him about my holiday and we chatted about Brittany.
Then he invited me behind the curtain to do a 'light fandango'. He examined me and then looked at my blood results which were all good. My ESR was 37 rather than the 51 last time.
We talked about future appointments. The next one is in 3 months and he said after the next one, if i like i can go to 4 monthly. My choice. I may choose weekly!
Some people don't like the check ups cos it gives them anxiety, whilst others look forward to the one to one.
Guess which category I'm in????
I not only feel reassured when i see him, but he makes me feel happy. He's such a nice, kind, funny, man. I walk away feeling lighter, and looking forward to the next appointment.
Its just a little crush......

Heres a photo of me today. I take one every time i have a check up and at some stage ill put them all in a row and see the difference. I must say I'm never happy with my photos, but at least i got a bit more hair now.
Anyway, whilst I'm still on a high, I'm gonna publish this and put my feet up before bed time.
Bonsoir mes petits chou-fleur.

13.5.15

Isn't it funny how the mind works?
As you know, I'm off to Brittany to see Annette in a couple of weeks. Hair will be done, nails, sugaring (waxing, but better), etc. I'm booked in for sugaring this Thursday cos I'm seeng my boyfriend on Friday.
What do you mean, what boyfriend?
Dr Jack, of course!
However, a spanner has been put in the works!
My sugarer, and friend, Julie, has got melanoma and is awaiting a date for her op.
Strangely, although she is married, she now has a new boyfriend. Her surgeon!!!
It must be contagious this falling for your consultant/haematologist/surgeon.
Of course my 'boyfriend' is better than hers! Of course he is, this is MY blog!
Well i saw her wednesday instead and we had cakey, coffee, sugaring and lots of laughter.
The problem is, i can't visit her for 2 weeks.
Her op will be on her face (not a minute too soon if you ask me!!! Ive said it before!) and she's been told she can't smile, laugh, yawn, eat food (she has to have soft food that needs little masticating!) etc and she said she won't be able to not laugh if she sees me! Thats a bit unkind!
The more i think about keeping a straight face and being serious, the more difficult it gets. And she only needs to look at me and she'll laugh (I'm starting to get a complex). So I've been banned!
So sugaring all done for my friday afternoon rendezvous, however I've had itchy axillas. Auto correct has just told me its axillae, but nobody will know what that is. Underarms! Been itching for about 3 - 4 weeks after i sugared them!
Of course the peril is......its a symptom of lymphoma, but I'm sure its cos i sugared. I need it gone by friday. You can't have a rendezvous with rashy underarms - its not attractive!
However it is a lot better since i visited the GP. On target for rash removal by friday!

6.5.15

Im like a bus (no rude comments please). Nothing for ages then they all come along at once.
Yes another blog within 2 days of the last one.
Am i awakening from my chemo brain? Will i remember what i was gonna blog about by the time I've finished writing this introduction?
Yes i will!
I notice how obsessed we seem to be about dates.
We obviously remember our birthdays and christmas, easter and new year, cos they're all associated with fun for most people.
But deaths and accidents, when i was diagnosed, when i had treatment!
We must be crazy!
Why on earth do we want to remember 'the day mum died'? Why do we want to inflict more pain on ourselves?
I miss my mum, and i always remember her birthday, 16th february. But theres no way i want to remember the date of her death.  I know it was august some time, but i really don't want to be reminded of that painful day and all that happened.
I want to remember my lovely mum as she was, a warm, lovely, sweet person who loved me dearly and i loved her in return.
I don't want to remember the day i was told i had cancer, or the day i started my treatment. I don't want to know when it was that i had a heart attack. I do want to remember when my last chemo was and when i was told i was in remission. Thats something good and happy, something to celebrate.
I know some people who wait for their 'bad anniversaries' and sit and dwell on it. They become depressed and sad. Who needs that in a life where they've suffered already?
Inadvertently i do remember some bad dates. I don't want to, and I'm sure at some stage i will forget.
I remember my first wedding anniversary date, 30th june. I don't have an issue with my first ex husband, but my second wedding day.... i know it was may and i think it may have a 7 in it, but i can't remember, and i can't remember his birthday either. And neither do i want to remember!!!!
The mind......its a funny old thing!
I find a similar thing with graves.
Some people go to their loved ones graves and take flowers, maybe a few tears and a conversation as if their loved one was there. Maybe they are?
I don't have any graves to go to. My dad who died when i was a toddler, my brother when i was 16. My mum and dad who died 15 years ago.
No graves. They were all scattered. I don't know what happened to dad, but my brother was scattered over a rose bush at bournemouth cemetery in Charminster. I don't know which one, and i don't feel the need to find out which one. I have my memories.
Mum died first 15 years ago. It was a surreal time of diagnosis and death all within 3 weeks. Dad of course decided to put 'her' under the conifer by the front door of their home.
When he went, we decided to scatter the two of them at Mudeford, one of their favourite places. They used to go there often and sit in the car overlooking the waves with their flask of tea. They loved it there.
My nephew met me at mum and dads house, ready to dig mum up so we could scatter them together. I remember the day, it was mothering sunday! I remember thinking i was taking mum out for mothers day! She would have appreciated that little joke.
Unfortunately, dad had tipped mum out of her container into the soil so we were unable to dig her up!
So they weren't scattered together. But that doesn't worry me. I didn't spend time feeling sad. Who knows what really happens when we die. In my head i have justified it that mum stayed at the house that she lived happily for many years, firstly with my dad who died when i was a toddler and then my dad who become my dad from when i was 5 years old.
Im sure if theres a heaven Mum will be there with dad number one playing the piano to her, and dad number 2 will be there making her cups of coffee and hopefully his first wife, who also had died, will be there too. In fact mum and first wife will both be comparing notes about all his faults! Minor faults i might add. Washing up and the plates coming out dirtier than when they went into the wash bowl! His inability to cook food that remained edible! He was a funny old bugger.
But each to their own. If some people find comfort in talking to a grave, believing their loved one's there, then thats absolutely fine.
What i do find odd is when people get upset with objects that belonged to their relative.
I know someone who inherited an ironing board when her mum died. Inherited is the wrong word really. It wasn't left in the will or anything. She just took the ironing board cos she needed one and 'mum' didn't need it any more, and I'm sure there were other items that she benefited from. But i did feel quite surprised when she told me,
'I can't do the ironing cos i just constantly cry cos it was mums!'
So she spent the next 6 months all creased and tatty!
Thats a step too far for me, maybe not others, but for me!
I have plenty of mum and dads things and i smile when i use them. Its a memory for me, a reminder.
I try and fill my memories with the nicer things in the past and not the painful dates of distress.
Memories??? Me??? Maybe its all coming back to me?

4.5.15

Happy bank holiday to you all.
I thought i would take this opportunity cos I've just watched The C Word!
I must say i enjoyed it but kept forgetting it was a true story.
I think its a good idea to give an insight, and it was only a small insight, into what it feels like to go through 'C'.
That poor girl went through all that, and then lost her life. But so many these days, survive. Although as I've said before in my blog, its constantly with them, forever.
The effect it has on family, friends and work colleagues who must feel so helpless.
I think The C Word showed it fairly accurately.
It just shows, we should all enjoy our lives. Go out and do it! Whatever 'it' is.
You can't help but have an affinity with another cancer sufferer when you've been through it yourself. But I've noticed on my HL journey, there are a few that have to have 'had it worse' than anyone else. They always take it back to them.
If you've had a blood clot, they've had 2. If you had a low blood count, theirs was lower! If you were a stage 2, they were a stage 3. If you had a lot of pain..... BAM, theirs was far worse!
Its not a competition. We all have our own problems, our own demons and our own way to cope, or not!
Funny how humans do that.
'We're going to Bali for 2 weeks holiday this year!'
'Oh we went there last year for a month. We're touring the Himalayas this year and being guided by a tibetan monk!'
'Ive brought a new car, a ford fiesta and its only 3 years old.'
'Yeah, I've just brought a jag XK straight out of the showroom. Zero miles on the clock! And Jeremy Clarkson took it for a test drive before us but we beat him to it cos he was busy shouting at the receptionist cos there wasn't any hot food on site.'
I think its a sign of their own insecurity, needing to be looked up to, and seen to be better than the other person.
Either that or they have a small penis! Thats my answer for everything. Of course that doesn't work for women, or not all women,anyway!
Anyway.... i digress.
I am coming up to my 3rd post chemo check up. I can't believe it, 10 months since my last chemo!
Am i back to normal?
Nope!
I have lost a stone and a quarter in weight, although, having been at Chris's house for the weekend, and having a 'weekend off' the diet, I've probably put it back on again. This week i will be as good as i can on the diet. It does give me an insight into how my behaviour will be when i finally finish the diet! The same mindset as when i was on steroids. Just 'eat it'! I shall have to be very careful.
At my last check up, Dr Jack nearly forgot to weigh me, and i was happy until he remembered. I told him id lose a stone before my next check up - and i have! Maybe i can lose a bit more before my next appointment. I could wear my ra ra skirt and boob tube to display my new body, although, technically, 'new body' isn't the correct adjective. More like, well used or second hand. Im sure Dr Jack will be 'well chuffed' to see the more aerodynamic me!
Anyway, a week and a half of low carbs to return to the sylph like figure that I've become!
And a week after my appointment, i have a holiday to look forward to.
Visiting Annette and Colin in Brittany. I shall have to pack my bikini!
I really can't wait.
See you in a week and a half with an empty arm (bloods to be taken!), a slimmer body, and hopefully good news from Dr Jack.

15.4.15

Well hello there!
So nice to see you again.
You're probably thinking what a lazy hag I've been, not blogged since february i think.
Ive been a busy bee.
Busy doing my usual job of complaining and whingeing! But not as much as i usually do as i continue on my journey of recovery.
I use that word, recovery, loosely.
Ive been on a diet!!! Ive lost a stone so far and I'm in the zone.
Ive been going to the gym, attending the aquarobics class. One of the aquarobic instructors is about 25 years old, and the size of one of my legs!
It doesn't do us fat old swimmers self esteem any good.
Another is a man, and he really makes us work.
Needless to say, losing weight and splashing about in the tub has helped my joints.
I was starting to worry cos i was finding my hips were seizing up. I couldn't do the frog leg part of swimming cos it was too painful. I think they are marginally better now.
And the sun has got his hat on too.
Ive been very fatigued tho. Usually after the weekend, cos i have such funfilled, busy, busy, busy weekends!!! Anxiety also, which is something i don't normally suffer from.
Ive been having counselling. I just thought a bit of a chat with someone who knows what he/she is talking about might help with the anxiety cos i don't wanna go down the route of anti depressants.
My first session, i sobbed all the way through!!!! I really don't know why. I wasn't feeling sad before i arrived - although my arrival was enough to make anyone cry.
I arrived with plenty of time, and just as well. I managed to park ok but finding the correct building was like looking for an honest politician. Myself, and another unsuspecting nutter, walked round and round and eventually found the small building with a tiny sign on it. The other nutter didn't have the added problem of dodgy joints so he arrived before me.
I must say i think the counselling helped. Because she (I've forgotten her name already!), reassured me my feelings were not abnormal, she agreed with my issues, i was able to accept the problems as not mine but others who couldn't be arsed!
I was told by another cancer sufferer that after chemo finishes, everyone stops bothering about you. She was right, but unfortunately, i felt during chemo a lot of long time friends stopped bothering about me. And I'm not the only one to go through this. Many of my chemo friends have suffered with the same problem.
It seems widespread that people don't want to know you when you have cancer. Don't get me wrong, some have been wonderful. But they are few and far between. I really thought friends would 'rally round'. Sending me messages, phone calls, visiting, keeping in contact and telling me what they're up to so i don't have to think about me and my health problems constantly. To start with, some friends did, but it slackened off dramatically after a couple of chemo's. Except for the few who really cared. Thats the time when you need friends round you. They didn't need to do jobs for me, or buy gifts, although many did, just to know they were there, supporting me was all i needed.
Some have since apologised and said they were just so busy at that time with their family.
Strangely, some friends came out of the woodwork and supported me, some i would never have expected to hear from.
A few friends bent over backwards to help me, juggling their diary entries - for me!
One very close friend of mine who was wonderful during my treatment, seemed to really pull back after chemo stopped without a word to me as to why, giving me so much anxiety. Ive since found out from her, she was just too busy! I think the words 'me time' were mentioned. Such a surprise as she was an absolute darling during my difficult time, we spent so much time together, so hard to take it that she doesn't have time for me anymore!
Another, a nurse, has spoken to me since chemo and was surprised to find i was suffering from painful joints, short of breath, indigestion, sensitive fingers and toes, etc etc etc. 'But i thought you were in remission!'
You don't magically get over cancer (and a heart attack). It may medically be gone, but you have it, or the effects of it, forever. Im a new person, a more anxious and vulnerable person.
On the Hodgkins site, most tell a similar story, of loneliness and upset and surprise.

The whole hl ordeal has been the loneliest time of my life. My relationship ended my closest friends are no where to be seen cancer really sucks why does everyone disappear when you need them the most??

I know that feeling. practically all of my family abandoned me when I started chemo so if you ever need someone to talk to please turn to this group. They were so helpful to me when I was going through it all and don't be afraid to speak to your nurses if you ever get down. I ended up having a bit of a meltdown when I bottled it up and ended up on diazepam to cope

When will we stop making excuses for people who 'don't know how to handle it'??!!! As if any of us going through it knew how to handle it, we had no choice but to bloody well get on with it!! 


My take on it then was a feeling of hurt and loneliness. Of course, i was on steroids too, which made me emotional and a gibbering wreck at times. I had a handful of friends (and my boys) who were there for me, and a few that sent me regular messages and support. But i was surprised to find i was sent to Coventry by some really close friends, and Coventry isn't the best place  to be at the best of times. (Sorry Coventry!)
My take on it now? I don't have expectations of them now, so i can't be disappointed.
You certainly find out who your REAL friends are.

3.3.15

Ive just found this draft that i did in march.  I'll publish it now, but bare in mind that the dates are all cock-a-hoop!

My mother was a brain box. The reason i say this???
I was driving home from Chris's house  on monday morning, singing along to my iPod, and a song came on that made me smile.
'More than a woman' by the Bee Gees, from Saturday Night Fever.
My mum used to think the words were, 'Bald headed woman!' And i used to be a bald headed woman!!!
Its little trinkets like this that make life worthwhile.