01.08.15

Helloooooo
I thought earlier i must blog about something, but i can't remember what!
So I will tell you about my return to Facebook!
I went off FB 4 and half months ago. I was getting a bit wound up by all the activity on there. It seemed to me everyone had an active social life except for me. My usual social life had disappeared since i started chemo, obviously, and i imagined it would return after my treatment finished, but sadly i was wrong. Ive been informed its cos people don't know what to say to me??? But to be fair, they don't need to say anything, i can talk for England!
So to stop getting wound up, i decided to come off of FB. However, my saviour, the Hodgkins Lymphoma UK site, is only accessible via FB so i had to still log on so decided to use my dogs profile, Loki. Not everyone understood why i wasn't 'their friend' anymore, but most were ok and didn't give me a hard time.
So many of my 'friends' from the lymphoma page added me, and many from choir, and gradually my friend list got longer and longer, and last week when out at a charity disco (that was an experience) Rachel took some photos and wanted to tag me in them. As my social life seemed to have returned, i decided to take the step to return as Jill.
Firstly, i changed my profile picture. The comments and 'likes' i had was immense. Made me feel so good. All my friends welcoming me back and telling me i was looking good. I sort of forgot they didn't know what i looked like - theres been a change in the last 4-5 months. Id like to say more of a change, like 3 stones worth of change, but no! So i was welcomed back into the fold.
But then, i noticed some 'friends' had unfriended me. One had not only unfriended me, but my sons too! Its funny how people think its all about them!  Its so sad really cos i need good friends now after what I've been through.
So...the charity disco!!!
We arrived in style - i drove! Myself, Rachel, Linzi, Mark and Simon.  The boys plied me with J2O's, even when i said id had enough. Some of the people there were 'unusual'. The DJ did a robotic dance half way through. I stared open mouthed at the ridiculousness of it! If thats even a word, ridiculousness??
Despite everything, we had a good time. Lots of silliness, as you can see by the photos.

At home time, (it didn't come quick enough) a curry was mentioned. So we drove to Joy in Ferndown and piled in, tummies rumbling. Oh my goodness, it was yummy. It was midnight and we were eating curry and naan and all sorts of side dishes, not to mention the poppadoms. Im getting hungry just thinking of it.
The conversation was interesting and a bit heated at times. I loved it!!
After all food was demolished, we headed back to the car. Some doughnut (Mark) had left the door open. Not unlocked. OPEN. Luckily it was late at night so there wasn't any takers!
I dumped them all back at their gaff and off home to lay in bed, stuffed and uncomfortable. I woke with a huge hangover, which is odd considering i didn't even drink alcohol!
I think you could say it was a good night.

15.07.15

Hello. Its been a while!
I thought id rear my head today as its a year since my last chemo. My first anniversary.
So what's new?
Remarkably not much.
The diet hasn't shown its face since my holiday in Brittany! Ive still lost a stone, but its up and down. Ive started doing it many times and then i get invited out to different eateries and it all goes out the window.
At least I'm being invited out now tho, although its the same people.
Since my hols I've been to choir, about 9 times. 2 were performances where i sang solos! And although the second performance i was recovering from a chest infection, they weren't too bad!
Im no Beyonce tho!

Thats me singing in the front!

Ive been Prefect a couple of times with Kelly whilst Tee was away. I enjoyed that. I need a purpose in life I've decided. I need to be useful and needed! Other than cleaning up the kitchen after Sam of course.
Ive seen the lovely Lyn, sometimes accompanied by Rose and Nat, or Nose and Rat as i affectionately call them. We've been for lunch, for dinner, for a party, for walks. They are a constant stream of amusement. In fact today, for my anniversary, Lyn took me out for lunch and plied me with Prosecco!

Had a lovely time. 

Ive seen Jane a few times. We go back a long way. We're like 2 peas in a pod although i do recall once going in to an office for a meeting and it was commented that Jane had brought her mum along! Bloody cheek!

We went for a cream tea the other day. I didn't realise where the venue was - it was one of these groupon things. We ended up driving to Fareham, nearly an hour, for the most revolting cream tea I've ever had. The sandwiches were made up with different types of bread, which intrigued Jane quite a bit. She doesn't get out much! The little cakes were stuck to the plate. The jam was more like Gelignite! And the cream tasted a bit sterile. Similar to Drapolene!

We did have a treat on the way home tho. Stopped at a red light and a motor bike drove past and turned and looked at me. More of a stare. When the lights changed to green, he revved up, and zoomed off, doing a wheelie on the way, but an epic fail. I think it was to impress us. It didn't!

'Hi ho Silver, away', and 'Kemosabe' were our catchphrases for the journey home. 

I was invited to a Jewish engagement party which i attended with Lise. Had a lovely time. It was an experience. The bride and groom to be - Ofra and Andrew - were so sweet. The food was lovely, especially the cheese cake, to die for. And i was intrigued by the Grace after Meals. The humour was rife. My table neighbour got himself and his wife a drink (coke in a wine glass - it was all soft drinks). He commented maybe he should have got everyone a drink. Somebody replied, 'It would be a cheap round!' Oh that tickled me!

Lise, me, Ofra and Andrew.

Visited Joe in London. Had a lovely time with him and Jon. We ate and then went for something to eat and then had dinner, and i think we may have had something to eat after all that!!!!

And watched a bit of Ru Pauls Drag Race. Loved it, what a hoot. 

And an evening with Sharon and Simon, which was very entertaining. But then its always entertaining when Prosecco and dips and nibbles are in the mix. A very enjoyable evening.

And of course the odd trip to Chris and Chloe which is always entertaining. 

The negative side is the trips to the GP. Ive been a few too many times. Itchy underarms and hot flushes (both a sign of Lymphoma!), bad back, followed by X-rays of spine and hips, underarms again, a cold which became a chest infection (last time i had a chest infection i had a heart attack!),  and anxiety! 

None of it has been sorted as yet. I still have itchy underarms and hot flushes, chest infection is on the way out, antibiotics now finished. But i have been referred to the rheumatologists. An urgent referral. I got the appointment today, 10th September! I hope I'm still alive by then, id hate to miss it! I may be MRI'd. I was hoping id left scans behind! And of course, I'm still going to bed and waking up half an hour later in a right state cos i haven't done something! Of course its all in my head. And fatigue on top of all this. 

Anyway, its my 3 month check up the end of august. Can you wait that long till i come back with more scintillating tales of my day to day life? 

12.06.15

June already.
Blazing June, apparently. Theres been a few nice days but last night the thunder and lightning was amazing. Fork and sheet at the same time.
That makes me smile. Fork and sheet, forking sheet, f*cking sh*t!!!
I really think someones popping drugs in my cocoa!
Since my last blog, I've been on holiday to France. Had such a wonderful time with my lovely, lovely friend Annette and Colin the Clown.
She and i are like 2 peas in a pod but I'm the attractive one!!!

Colin makes me laugh so much.
So a good week was had, but i ate too much, so back on the diet.
Did loads of things apart from eating. Had BBQ's (oh thats still eating), i drank copious amounts of Prosecco (still sort of eating), went to different beaches where Colin fished, you should have seen the one that got away, and Annette and i collected shells and threw the ball for Finn the dog from Finistere. I cuddled Ziggy the cat, and held the week old chick, Chalky White.
An idyllic lifestyle they have and I'm envious.
But boy, the following week....... fatigue arrived.
Im not worried about the fatigue. It just is an excuse to put my feet up and try and get through the copious amount of recordings on the tv.
Last weekend was Rock Choirs 10th anniversary and we celebrated at the NEC - Genting Arena.
Why call it the Genting Arena, i wonder? It reminds me of the words cottaging, hustling or cruising. There's the drugs again!!!
Had a magnificent day.

And again, fatigue. Its amazing how you do too much and then you're out of the race for a bit.   

         

15.5.15

What a lovely semi symmetrical date.
Well today was the day! My 3rd 3 monthly check up with the delightful Dr Jack.
Im normally dreading the, 'lets weigh you,' bit, but of course, 1 stone and 4 lbs down, i was positively champing at the bit to jump on.
He was so impressed. I told him all about the diet that I've been on. He was disgusted that i had to have black tea and coffee. I told him, 'strong and black, like my men.' He replied, 'In your dreams!' He's so interested in everything i say. It makes me feel so special. Im sure he's like that with everyone tho. I told him about my stiff joints, they're slightly better since losing weight, well I'm slightly better all over since losing weight.  He told me to keep up with the swimming and aquarobics. I told him about my holiday and we chatted about Brittany.
Then he invited me behind the curtain to do a 'light fandango'. He examined me and then looked at my blood results which were all good. My ESR was 37 rather than the 51 last time.
We talked about future appointments. The next one is in 3 months and he said after the next one, if i like i can go to 4 monthly. My choice. I may choose weekly!
Some people don't like the check ups cos it gives them anxiety, whilst others look forward to the one to one.
Guess which category I'm in????
I not only feel reassured when i see him, but he makes me feel happy. He's such a nice, kind, funny, man. I walk away feeling lighter, and looking forward to the next appointment.
Its just a little crush......

Heres a photo of me today. I take one every time i have a check up and at some stage ill put them all in a row and see the difference. I must say I'm never happy with my photos, but at least i got a bit more hair now.
Anyway, whilst I'm still on a high, I'm gonna publish this and put my feet up before bed time.
Bonsoir mes petits chou-fleur.

13.5.15

Isn't it funny how the mind works?
As you know, I'm off to Brittany to see Annette in a couple of weeks. Hair will be done, nails, sugaring (waxing, but better), etc. I'm booked in for sugaring this Thursday cos I'm seeng my boyfriend on Friday.
What do you mean, what boyfriend?
Dr Jack, of course!
However, a spanner has been put in the works!
My sugarer, and friend, Julie, has got melanoma and is awaiting a date for her op.
Strangely, although she is married, she now has a new boyfriend. Her surgeon!!!
It must be contagious this falling for your consultant/haematologist/surgeon.
Of course my 'boyfriend' is better than hers! Of course he is, this is MY blog!
Well i saw her wednesday instead and we had cakey, coffee, sugaring and lots of laughter.
The problem is, i can't visit her for 2 weeks.
Her op will be on her face (not a minute too soon if you ask me!!! Ive said it before!) and she's been told she can't smile, laugh, yawn, eat food (she has to have soft food that needs little masticating!) etc and she said she won't be able to not laugh if she sees me! Thats a bit unkind!
The more i think about keeping a straight face and being serious, the more difficult it gets. And she only needs to look at me and she'll laugh (I'm starting to get a complex). So I've been banned!
So sugaring all done for my friday afternoon rendezvous, however I've had itchy axillas. Auto correct has just told me its axillae, but nobody will know what that is. Underarms! Been itching for about 3 - 4 weeks after i sugared them!
Of course the peril is......its a symptom of lymphoma, but I'm sure its cos i sugared. I need it gone by friday. You can't have a rendezvous with rashy underarms - its not attractive!
However it is a lot better since i visited the GP. On target for rash removal by friday!

6.5.15

Im like a bus (no rude comments please). Nothing for ages then they all come along at once.
Yes another blog within 2 days of the last one.
Am i awakening from my chemo brain? Will i remember what i was gonna blog about by the time I've finished writing this introduction?
Yes i will!
I notice how obsessed we seem to be about dates.
We obviously remember our birthdays and christmas, easter and new year, cos they're all associated with fun for most people.
But deaths and accidents, when i was diagnosed, when i had treatment!
We must be crazy!
Why on earth do we want to remember 'the day mum died'? Why do we want to inflict more pain on ourselves?
I miss my mum, and i always remember her birthday, 16th february. But theres no way i want to remember the date of her death.  I know it was august some time, but i really don't want to be reminded of that painful day and all that happened.
I want to remember my lovely mum as she was, a warm, lovely, sweet person who loved me dearly and i loved her in return.
I don't want to remember the day i was told i had cancer, or the day i started my treatment. I don't want to know when it was that i had a heart attack. I do want to remember when my last chemo was and when i was told i was in remission. Thats something good and happy, something to celebrate.
I know some people who wait for their 'bad anniversaries' and sit and dwell on it. They become depressed and sad. Who needs that in a life where they've suffered already?
Inadvertently i do remember some bad dates. I don't want to, and I'm sure at some stage i will forget.
I remember my first wedding anniversary date, 30th june. I don't have an issue with my first ex husband, but my second wedding day.... i know it was may and i think it may have a 7 in it, but i can't remember, and i can't remember his birthday either. And neither do i want to remember!!!!
The mind......its a funny old thing!
I find a similar thing with graves.
Some people go to their loved ones graves and take flowers, maybe a few tears and a conversation as if their loved one was there. Maybe they are?
I don't have any graves to go to. My dad who died when i was a toddler, my brother when i was 16. My mum and dad who died 15 years ago.
No graves. They were all scattered. I don't know what happened to dad, but my brother was scattered over a rose bush at bournemouth cemetery in Charminster. I don't know which one, and i don't feel the need to find out which one. I have my memories.
Mum died first 15 years ago. It was a surreal time of diagnosis and death all within 3 weeks. Dad of course decided to put 'her' under the conifer by the front door of their home.
When he went, we decided to scatter the two of them at Mudeford, one of their favourite places. They used to go there often and sit in the car overlooking the waves with their flask of tea. They loved it there.
My nephew met me at mum and dads house, ready to dig mum up so we could scatter them together. I remember the day, it was mothering sunday! I remember thinking i was taking mum out for mothers day! She would have appreciated that little joke.
Unfortunately, dad had tipped mum out of her container into the soil so we were unable to dig her up!
So they weren't scattered together. But that doesn't worry me. I didn't spend time feeling sad. Who knows what really happens when we die. In my head i have justified it that mum stayed at the house that she lived happily for many years, firstly with my dad who died when i was a toddler and then my dad who become my dad from when i was 5 years old.
Im sure if theres a heaven Mum will be there with dad number one playing the piano to her, and dad number 2 will be there making her cups of coffee and hopefully his first wife, who also had died, will be there too. In fact mum and first wife will both be comparing notes about all his faults! Minor faults i might add. Washing up and the plates coming out dirtier than when they went into the wash bowl! His inability to cook food that remained edible! He was a funny old bugger.
But each to their own. If some people find comfort in talking to a grave, believing their loved one's there, then thats absolutely fine.
What i do find odd is when people get upset with objects that belonged to their relative.
I know someone who inherited an ironing board when her mum died. Inherited is the wrong word really. It wasn't left in the will or anything. She just took the ironing board cos she needed one and 'mum' didn't need it any more, and I'm sure there were other items that she benefited from. But i did feel quite surprised when she told me,
'I can't do the ironing cos i just constantly cry cos it was mums!'
So she spent the next 6 months all creased and tatty!
Thats a step too far for me, maybe not others, but for me!
I have plenty of mum and dads things and i smile when i use them. Its a memory for me, a reminder.
I try and fill my memories with the nicer things in the past and not the painful dates of distress.
Memories??? Me??? Maybe its all coming back to me?

4.5.15

Happy bank holiday to you all.
I thought i would take this opportunity cos I've just watched The C Word!
I must say i enjoyed it but kept forgetting it was a true story.
I think its a good idea to give an insight, and it was only a small insight, into what it feels like to go through 'C'.
That poor girl went through all that, and then lost her life. But so many these days, survive. Although as I've said before in my blog, its constantly with them, forever.
The effect it has on family, friends and work colleagues who must feel so helpless.
I think The C Word showed it fairly accurately.
It just shows, we should all enjoy our lives. Go out and do it! Whatever 'it' is.
You can't help but have an affinity with another cancer sufferer when you've been through it yourself. But I've noticed on my HL journey, there are a few that have to have 'had it worse' than anyone else. They always take it back to them.
If you've had a blood clot, they've had 2. If you had a low blood count, theirs was lower! If you were a stage 2, they were a stage 3. If you had a lot of pain..... BAM, theirs was far worse!
Its not a competition. We all have our own problems, our own demons and our own way to cope, or not!
Funny how humans do that.
'We're going to Bali for 2 weeks holiday this year!'
'Oh we went there last year for a month. We're touring the Himalayas this year and being guided by a tibetan monk!'
'Ive brought a new car, a ford fiesta and its only 3 years old.'
'Yeah, I've just brought a jag XK straight out of the showroom. Zero miles on the clock! And Jeremy Clarkson took it for a test drive before us but we beat him to it cos he was busy shouting at the receptionist cos there wasn't any hot food on site.'
I think its a sign of their own insecurity, needing to be looked up to, and seen to be better than the other person.
Either that or they have a small penis! Thats my answer for everything. Of course that doesn't work for women, or not all women,anyway!
Anyway.... i digress.
I am coming up to my 3rd post chemo check up. I can't believe it, 10 months since my last chemo!
Am i back to normal?
Nope!
I have lost a stone and a quarter in weight, although, having been at Chris's house for the weekend, and having a 'weekend off' the diet, I've probably put it back on again. This week i will be as good as i can on the diet. It does give me an insight into how my behaviour will be when i finally finish the diet! The same mindset as when i was on steroids. Just 'eat it'! I shall have to be very careful.
At my last check up, Dr Jack nearly forgot to weigh me, and i was happy until he remembered. I told him id lose a stone before my next check up - and i have! Maybe i can lose a bit more before my next appointment. I could wear my ra ra skirt and boob tube to display my new body, although, technically, 'new body' isn't the correct adjective. More like, well used or second hand. Im sure Dr Jack will be 'well chuffed' to see the more aerodynamic me!
Anyway, a week and a half of low carbs to return to the sylph like figure that I've become!
And a week after my appointment, i have a holiday to look forward to.
Visiting Annette and Colin in Brittany. I shall have to pack my bikini!
I really can't wait.
See you in a week and a half with an empty arm (bloods to be taken!), a slimmer body, and hopefully good news from Dr Jack.