26.4.14

The day started well and just got better.
Jenni and Linda came round and we had a hot cross bun (from M&S, but not the belgian chocolate ones, they had sold out!) and a coffee in the summer house prior to Steve and Jo picking us up and taking us to a Rockchoir workshop in Lymington.
We arrived early so we visited a cafe called Indulgence. There was about 20 different choices of cake. I had victoria sandwich with my tea and it was sooooo good. Very fluffy. Then back to the community centre for a singsong. It was heaving. I thought there'd be about 30 of us like the last workshop. There must have been about 200 of us.
A lot of people watching was practiced! I do like a bit of people watching.
The thing i noticed was the amount of hair in the room! All the different styles and colours. I of course wore wiggy.
We started the workshop with Bring Him Home from Les Mis.
I knew the song but had never looked at the lyrics before. I had looked at them before the girls arrived.
I sobbed!
How on earth was i gonna be able to sing that without letting the side down and blubbing like a baby?
I desensitised myself. I lay in the bath and listened to it over and over and hey presto, i could sing it without squawking.
So we started the song. It was so beautiful. The men in the bass section were separate from us bass ladies, or as we were called tenor ladies (tena ladies).
It sounded so good. And no tears, well not from me anyway.
There was some confusion with a section of 'our part' so to say chemo brain made life difficult is an understatement.
But when we sang it all together at the end, it was moving, very moving.
Time for afternoon tea.
Then song number two.
America from West Side Story. We didn't have so much time for this one, but this song was easier.
We had to sing it Peurto Rico Style, which was fun.
Again, it sounded lovely.
I really enjoyed the day, but it was very tiring.
Back in the car for the journey home. We sang some Rockchoir songs that we all know and love, loudly and with the windows open, and in the car park traffic jam, so everyone could hear. And i did it bald stylee. I had a few looks, but it all adds to the fun.
Then home to relax for the evening with a bit of Britains got Talent.
Its funny. As much as i looked forward to today, and i enjoyed it, i almost feel resentful that i wasn't able to do gardening and chores. And tomorrows the same.
Phil, my ex,  is round at 12 tomorrow to take me for lunch at the Kings Arms. Im looking forward to seeing him, and really looking forward to lunch at the Kings Arms, its one of my fave places, but again, its weird cos i like my weekend to do a bit of gardening and pottering about.
Theres no pleasing some people!
I have become very contrary.
And the last thing to mention before bed is the rats!
The stench has subsided, which is good before next tuesday (chemo day). And I've not heard any scratching this evening.
Hip hip hooray!

25.4.14

Yay!!!
An eventful day.
Had an appointment with a solicitor this morning.
I always feel when i meet people, they are looking at me and thinking, 'Wig' or 'baldy'!
I think i must look sheepish! And i don't mean woolly.
Then it was nice to have Karen round for a coffee and catchup. She bought me some tulips and a carrot cake, which was one of the nicest carrot cakes I've tried. Bless her heart.
Then about 3 hours on and off talking to BT regarding my failing internet.
'Ve have tested the line and there is nussing wrong vis them. We have switched you to anusser channel and you vill find you will not keep dropping your internet.'
Sorry, thats sposed to be the accent of the BT chap, but it sounds more German as i read it out loud!
10 minutes later, and no broadband, i rang them again.
Same tests again and the same suggestion of changing to another channel without any problems on the line.
'But you must leave it for 24hours before you can see the difference'
I complain it didn't work last time and catch him out cos i rang yesterday - 24 hours ago!
They're absolutely full of cr*p aren't they?
'Ma'am the problem is with your device'
What all 5 devices in the house are faulty?
I ask, could it be a problem with the router or hub?
No Ma'am. I have done the diagnostic tests and everything with BT is fine and operational.
So tomorrow they're sending me a new hub or router or both, who knows!
I have no faith.
Then its time for some retail therapy with Linda. I need some bigger clothes for my bigger body! Damn steroids. I know its the steroids but I'm desperate to lose this 'blobbiness'.
In the meantime, larger clothes.
We amble round M&S after a coffee and a sausage and onion toastie.
The bra lady fits me with 2 mediocre but correct size brassieres.
Im deposited in a changing room with Linda on sentry duty whilst i try on most of the clothes in the shop. As i pull off my top, my wig flies off! I stand in a fit of giggles for a short while and pop my head round the door to entertain Linda, who then joins in with the giggles. I try on a dress and as i pull it down round my ample bosom i find the clothes tag wedged behind my ear.
Oh thats what hair is for, to stop an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction. Again Linda is made aware of the error.
I find a dress and 2 tops will suffice out of the huge pile of garments.
I need another hat. The red beret that i wear to keep my bonce warm is ok but looks ridiculous. The blue bed beret (home made) looks even more ridiculous. The wide brimmed sunhat is lovely but only suitable for when we have sun!!!
Armed with more hats than a milliners shop i approach a mirror. And they're few and far between these days! Im always moaning at the mo!
I try them on top of wiggy. They don't fit right. And I'm thinking its to wear instead of the wig.
Now, how to remove wiggy and try on the hats without frightening small children.
We got a bit of a routine going, Linda and I.
Linda whips the wig off, i put the hat on.
Linda whips the hat off, i put the next one on.
A couple get stuck on my head and Linda, not realising, is tugging. Its like something out of a carry on film. Eventually we find one that doesn't make me look like Freddie parrot face Davies. My god, where did that come from? A blast from the past!
Haha, I've just googled Freddie Davies!!!

I do look like Freddie parrot face Davies!

Then to put wiggy back on, not quite as easy as putting a hat on.
But we managed it. A half hour full of raucous laughter.
And so, home!
We amble off towards the car, with bags of clothes, bras, hats and food (no surprise there!). The weather had turned from a wet miserable day to sunshine and blue skies. I felt warm in my thick coat and wig.
'Linda', i said. As she looked at me, i whipped wiggy off to reveal to the world my bristly head!
Linda nearly wet herself!
What the heck!
I drive home, trying to catch eye contact with other drivers or pedestrians! I love stopping at lights and looking at the driver in the vehicle next to me. They usually have a double take! People seem so shocked to see a bald woman, even with all the cancer and chemo in the world. Im gonna go bald more often, it was really good fun.
Yes, i have the shock factor!

24.4.14

By now i should be feeling better! But I'm not. I don't understand it. Usually week 1 I'm rough and week 2 I'm better. This time its been the other way round. How strange!
Today I've cried. Well, this afternoon really. I think its the steroid 'low' cos theres no real reason for it, except for feeling sorry for myself. But i think i had the steroid 'low' the other day? Two steroid 'low' days? Things are really different this time.
Like i said before, just when you think you know where you are, it changes.
Im headachy still, and very mildly nauseous. Ive had enough at the mo. Im trying to think of ways that i can stop having chemo. But of course, theres no way. Except for a miracle.
'We read your scans wrong. You are a grade 1A so we can stop chemo now!'
How wonderful would that be.
I was told at the beginning that it had only just slightly spread so i was only going to have 3 cycles (6 doses). That would have been done now. All finished. But of course, it had spread more so i have to have 6 cycles.
How about if i promise to eat healthily, exercise, never eat chocolate, and be nice to people?
Could i stop chemo now?
I have to face facts. Ive got another 6 doses, another 11 weeks.
I should stop whinging and get on with it. After all, there are people worse off than me.
I see that brave young man Stephen Sutton is still fighting his fight. Puts me to shame.
On to something lighter.
I went to collect my car today. The alarm kept going off and they decided it was the boot latch causing the problem. And there were a few 'chips' needing painting, as agreed when i brought the car about 3 months ago.
I put a bit of pressure on them. I told them i was having chemo and only had a few days when i felt well enough to do my chores, or to enjoy my time and go out. Completely true, not a lie.
They've had the car since tuesday morning. Today is thursday and they probably would have kept it another day if i hadn't had put pressure on.
So i went to collect the car with Sam and his mate, Matt.
The boss was called as they handed me the keys.
'We haven't done the paint job! We didn't know exactly what you wanted painting! We think it may be the door edges?'
You'd have thought they would be in possession of a telephone in this day and age. Its a piece of equipment where you can 'call' the person concerned and ask them a question!
A miscommunication was blamed. Nigels name was mentioned! He hadn't written it in the notes, which I'm not surprised at.
I had a moan, Sam had a bigger moan.
So what they're gonna do, is collect the car next week from my home, paint the agreed areas, door edges and 'chips' at the back by the boot (getting more painted than i was expecting!), clean the car, put in some petrol (i hope they realise its a diesel engine!) and return it to my home.
Cant ask for better than that really.
Called round to see Linda for a quick cup of tea this afternoon. Sat in the garden in the sun with my hat on.
I grizzled and grizzled!
'I just wanna feel good again.'
She puts up with a lot from me. She has enough other problems without me dragging her down.
Then back home for Jenni's visit.
She showed me the article in the Echo of her 'haircut' for Cancer Research.
Grizzled a bit more!
So she laughed at me and took a photo of me in my silly hat.
I think i recovered from my steroid 'low' then.
Been a brave girl since. Watched Eastenders without crying!
I shall take myself off to bed now and hope the rats keep the noise down this evening.
So its goodnight from a happier, but very thirsty (why am i always thirsty at night time?) me.

23.4.14

Oh bugger!
I fell asleep again. Every evening from about 10pm onwards, i fall asleep and then when i wake I'm unable to go back to sleep.
So its gone 11pm and i haven't written my scintillating blog!
So here it is. Written whilst I'm totally and annoyingly wide awake.
Ive noticed there's a lot of psychological stuff going on.
I said a few days ago about how i feel like i constantly have a cannula being put in. Its like an anxiety about having another one put in. I have to have at least another 6 so i better get used to it. Its like a nerve type pain, and i think its purely psychological. It aches. I don't know if its cos of the bruising, or if my veins are affected by the poison, but whatever it is, i don't like it.
My bathroom has become part of my 'chemo nightmare'. It seems to have a smell about it that i recognise as chemo. Not a nasty smell, not a body smell, but a slightly perfumed smell. I think its my normal bathroom cleanliness smell, but i associate it with chemo and a negative feeling. Ive tried today to put a reed diffuser in there to mask the smell, but the reed diffuser is making me feel nauseous so ill have to put it in the spare room till I'm over my psychological nauseating smell problem.
I find it difficult to swallow when i have to take medicine now. Whatever it is, steroid, antacid, panadol, it just sits in the back of my mouth along with a mouthful of water that is unable to go over the edge.
But the biggest psychological thing........the thought of the hospital!
Just thinking of parking in the carpark, or dragging myself through the walkway to the Dorset Cancer Centre. The thought of going into my chemo room and putting my arm into a bucket of hot water to encourage my vein to 'pop' out. The insertion of the cannula. The thought of having an IV injection of anti emetics, steroids, chemo drugs or anything else to be quite frank with you, fills me with dread. It is such a powerful feeling. It makes me feel headachy and nauseous. Really!
How powerful is that?
Im wondering if i should have hypnotherapy to lessen the stress.
I need to try and associate the above negativities, positively!
I think that will be the job for tomorrow. I shall google it. I shall find a way to stop thinking forward and pooping myself!
Otherwise its been an ok day.
The power to the garage was lost and my freezer started to defrost. Luckily, it being the dog food freezer mainly, and there not being much in it, it wasn't a big problem.
A few chicken livers and hearts defrosted, and there was chicken necks galore for my 2 girlies! It was a win win situation for them.
Its been sorted now, hallelujah.
And the rat problem was addressed. Wessex Water attended my manhole cover! More poison was applied (is that another psychological problem i wonder! Poison!) in the hope that the 'clever animals' will get fed up with all the deathly poison and move to another house????
Surely the poison will kill them (oh psychological stuff get out of my head!) so they will be unable to move anywhere. They will sit and rot under my floorboards, making me even more nauseous!
Anyway, Mr Wessex Ratman rang my doorbell at about 7.30 whilst i was mopping out my defrosting freezer. I rushed to the door in my dressing gown with the doggie footprints, and i mean muddy ones, not a pattern on the gown, and a delightful turquoise hand knitted oversized and partly rolled up woolly hat, that i keep on my bed for when my head is cold.
He explained the plan of action and rentokil was mentioned to be called out (result) and he apologised for the job dragging out considering he realised i was having chemo (i had used the chemo card to get them to sort the problem quicker, you don't need bluebottles flying round your kitchen when you're trying to allay any bacteria). I smiled at him, aware of how ridiculous i was looking, and pointed to my stylish titfer (hat!), 'Yes, hence this little darling!!!'
He also had a woolly titfer!
'Are you having chemo too?' i asked.
We both laughed! It was kind of a nice moment.

22.4.14

Id really love to say I've had a wonderful day. It hasn't been bad. Im achey, headachy, indigestion, bloated, sore tongue. You know, the usual old crap. But it could have been worse.
Ive just read something on Facebook about a teenager called Stephen who has incurable cancer. He's about to get his wings, any day. It certainly puts things in perspective.
Stephen's story
Its so sad.
Its sad what I've been through, but what he's been through, and what he's achieved....... it amazes me. The courage and the strength. Obviously far more than i have - moaning about being achey and bloated.
I hope his passing is comfortable and pain free and i hope there is a better place to go to where he will be adored and admired, and his skills put to good use.
In case you're wondering, I'm not still in 'grizzling' mode! Yes its sad to hear about people like Stephen, but i have my own battle and he gives me the inspiration to do some good of my own. Don't ask me what, but i want to do something.
Any suggestions greatly received.
Im not gonna bungy or parachute.
I know i could do an eatathon! Or an indigestionathon! I could be sponsored for the amount of inches i can put on round my swollen tummy. That would definitely be a good earner!
I shall have to put my thinking cap on and think up something good.
Maybe a singathon? Ooh that would be good. Leave it with me.
Anyway, what else have i done today?
Ive taken my car in to be fixed. The car alarm keeps going off at 2am. Seems it could be the boot catch. And of course I'm still waiting for some 'chips' to be painted as was requested when i brought the car months ago. Fancy that, Nigel forgot to order the paint!!! I saw Nigel, the hot salesman, across a crowded shop floor. He's very pleasing to the eye. I did manage to turn him to jelly when i rang 20 minutes ago to see if the car was ready. There was a bit of stuttering and apologising. Him, not me!
Should be done tomorrow, fingers crossed.
Well i think thats all to hold you captive with! I promise you one day i will have something really scintillating to fascinate you with.
In the meantime.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out!

21.4.14

I am taking this opportunity to write my blog now, whilst I'm not sobbing! Don't feel sorry for me cos its not proper tears. Im a fraud. I don't feel sad particularly. I just have this inability to control myself, the same as every day 6 of chemo.
I cried just now about a little boy in Africa who was going blind, it was an ad on TV.
I then cried about a lost dog on Facebook.
And i have no doubt i shall cry a few more times today. I suppose it gives me something to do on a boring day.
It shouldn't be a boring day. The sun is shining. But I'm feeling rough today. Not hideously so, so I'm not crying about that, although I'm sure i'll have a go later!!!
My bones are aching today, as is my throat/digestive system. Same old, same old!
But quite surprisingly, I'm not eating myself stupid today! I think i have some underlying nausea. Sometimes all the symptoms mingle and you're not sure what you're feeling.
One weird thing tho....
Ive noticed about day 5 or 6 i feel like i have a cannula being put into a vein in my arm, or taken out, or even just in situ. It aches, and i really don't like it.
As you can see from my photo, my arm is bruised. I find when the nurses take the cannulas out if they don't press for long enough (or let me do it!) on the site, i get bruised. Its not rocket science.
I remember a young houseman at Boscombe Hospital many years ago, (1980) once telling me off for removing the cottonwool too soon off a blood test site.
'Have you never heard of vascular necrosis?'
I get his point, but he was a bit of an arse if i remember correctly. Not one of the doctors with charisma, looks, or a self induced idea of his own godliness.
He's probably a high flying haematologist now. Bet he wouldn't bruise a poor chemo patient!

I really shouldn't complain about feeling bad. Ive felt so good this time. Number 6 has been kind to me. Ive got to expect some discomfort, haven't I?

Anyway, I'm gonna go now. Im sure you've had enough of my grizzling and complaining, i know i have! I think its time i pull myself together. At the end of the day, and i feel strange saying this, but I'm gonna say it anyway, i have my health!! 

Ha ha thats a funny thing to say isn't it. I don't have cancer, so what am i complaining about? 

Oh god, thats made me emotional again!

20.4.14

This Easter malarky's not much to write home about is it?
Its been raining, so the dogs weren't walked, so they've been hyper!
Ive lost my taste buds, so my plan of eating myself stupid hasn't worked as well as i had hoped. Ive still eaten myself stupid but i haven't tasted the food.
My tongue is sore.
I discontinued the steroids yesterday afternoon so today i have gone down hill, just slightly. I have my usual 'drain pipe down the throat' feeling. Not too bad, but its there to grind me down a bit, and joy of joys, tomorrow is gonna be one humdinger!!!
Yes the come down from steroids usually leads to a day of blubbing, which leads to a red blocked nose and a headache!
Im hoping the taste buds will recover (fat chance - excuse the pun) tomorrow so at least if I'm emotional i can eat chocolate at the same time!
Well you're lucky. I have nothing else to say!
Tomorrow i will fill my blog with exciting and interesting tales of something exciting and interesting, either that or i will tell you of my sore tongue and my indigestion!
Good night one and all.