19.4.14

Ive been laying here deliberating.
How did i get here? The cancer thing.
When i was younger i decided many things were bad for me.
I never used aerosols. I changed to using the crystal deodorant, i lectured my sons about roll ons etc, if i used air freshener i would take a deep breath, spray and close the door quickly.
I used toiletries with the least nasty chemicals, hair dyes from the health shop with less nasty stuff.
I don't smoke, i drink very little. I do however have a good appetite, too good hence the constant 'cutting down'.
Is that what caused me to get cancer?
My birth mother (i was adopted) had a breast lump removed pre menopause and i believe she's been cancer free ever since. I don't have contact with her but I'm sure my cousin would tell me if it came back.
Is it my laptop that sits on my lap regularly, thats the area where it started?
The mind boggles. Maybe theres no reason.
My lovely mum had bowel cancer and liver cancer, not sure which was the primary, i would think bowel. But she had a healthy diet, and she never drank alcohol or smoked.
What is it thats causing all this cancer?
I read some research that said it was our lifestyles but the main reason is age.
My birth mother had it at 48 ish and i have it at 53.
I will never know the answer.
Im just glad its gone and hope it stays gone.
The chemo. Its a strange one. Its not sposed to be nice, and its not. But at times it surprises me how its not too bad. Other times not so good. But you seem to get in a bit of a routine.
The worst bit for me is having it. Not cos it makes me feel ill there and then. Its a psychological thing with me.
Going to the hospital itself makes me feel nauseous, very mildly, but nauseous all the same.
The moment i get there, i am desperate to leave, and yet me and Linda make the best of it. We take a picnic. We make plans together of things we'll do during chemo and after. We order things on line. We laugh and joke.
The next negative is the cannula. You do get used to them, and i never had a real problem with needles. I don't like them but it has to be done. As soon as its in i feel like a prisoner. I can't move my arm. I just sit there with a horrid feeling - Get it out!!!
Then the drugs. The anti emetic to stop me feeling sick. I have to have it, it works for me. But as it goes in  i hate it. I have to wait for an hour for that and the oral anti emetic that i have at the same time to work. So i sit with saline (salt water) dripping in to me. Then hydrocortisone, again, yuk, but its better than the IV dexamethasone (this in tablet form is what keeps me feeling good for 5 days after. My life savers!). Then the 4 nasty drugs.
Doxorubicin
Bleomycin
Vincristine
Dacarbazine
Nasty strong poisons that all have different effects. But they've saved my life!!!!
Dr Jack told me if i didn't have the chemo, id be dead in 2 years! He's such a sweet talker.
Having the first 3 of these is fairly quick, which suits me, but the fourth one takes a couple of hours.
Ive started to wake early on chemo day specially so i can doze through this last one to make the time go faster. Its worked a couple of times. And usually, bless her heart, Linda rubs my feet.
I really can't tell you the worth of that girl. I couldn't have done it with out her, I CANT do it without her.  Not just cos she rubs my feet. She's gone over and above anything i would ever expect any friend to do, and i will be forever in her debt. Her husband Ian, and Kerrie and Luke also need mentioning here, cos she's put me first so many times. And they have to put up with the effect all my worries must have had on her.
So when the last lot of crap has gone into me, i have a quick bit of saline again to flush everything through.
Then the cannulas removed. I feel like singing when this happens. Its such an amazing feeling. I don't even care how 'roughly' its removed. Not that they remove it roughly, but pulling at the tape that sticks it to me.  I would even just pull it out, thats how desperate i feel to get the bugger out.
I have an injection of pegfilgastrim which gets my white cells topped up, and then i can escape.
I hate the journey home, again psychological, cos i don't know if I'm gonna be laughing and joking, or deadly silent, feeling rough.
As soon as I'm home, i hardly speak to Linda or my Sam who's waiting at home, having hoovered and tidied, bless him.
I go to my room and get in bed and wait to see what happens.
This last one has been quite good compared to about 4 others.
I so hope it stays like this till the end. It would make life a lot easier to cope with.
There are many little symptoms which are really irritating and not nice, but i can cope with them. Ive mentioned them before, but a quick list, just so they're all on this blog.

Nausea - fairly mild most of the time.
Headache, dizziness, 'spaced out'.
Constipation and wind!!!
Indigestion.
Mucositis where the digestive tract is irritated and inflamed. Really horrid this one. Sore tongue, sore throat and tummy. Gaviscon helps a bit.
Memory loss and stupidity!!! This one is frustrating, but a bit of fun at times. I have the mickey taken regularly!
Hair loss!! Also fun. Ive quite enjoyed the transformation, but I'm looking forward to not wearing silly hats.
Emotions. I believe it to be the steroids. I can cry for no reason. Usually its on the monday, day 7. Ive usually finished the steroids by sunday morning, so monday i let rip! I don't feel sad. Chris and Sam usually take the mickey out of me, which actually helps and makes me laugh at the same time.
Im sure there are other symptoms, but i can't remember!!

By day 8 I have the switch flick moment when about 10 in the morning i just feel wonderful. Its weird. Then i tend to overdo things until the next chemo!

And I'm halfway there. Only 6 more doses and its done, and hopefully done for good. I have to have regular check ups, and my worry is, i won't know if its coming back. Everyone else has nodes in the neck that tend to enlarge, not normally anything sinister, but thats where it started and they can see it if it returns or even if they have a slight cold! But mine was in a different place, the groin. The glands were removed, so everything else was inside my abdomen. I won't see any change. Im gonna be paranoid, like all the other HL sufferers.

What I'm trying to say is, if you or a loved one ever find yourself needing treatment, it is manageable. I know were all different, and we all react differently, and all chemos are different, but try to be positive, cos i think thats helped me a great deal. And its so nice getting all the comments on Facebook. They usually make me cry at day 7, but they really build me up and make me feel like i can do this. So thanks to all the people who have helped me. You know who you are!!!

Well I've rambled on here, i hope its not all too repetitive. It was more to put it all on one blog for clarity for me.

Hope you enjoy your Easter time, I'm gonna do my best to enjoy mine.

18.4.14

Happy Good Friday.
Im amazed. Im cutting down with the steroids, and I'm feeling good. Every so often i get a symptom, a nasty reminder of the chemo on tuesday. But all in all, I'm doing quite well this time.
Ive done a bit of gardening, I've pottered about. Ive played games on my laptop, and I've watched TV.
Ive gently moved round my spare room ready for a new cupboard that I'm collecting tomorrow. It now looks an awful mess!
But tomorrow, it will be sorted.
Ive emptied the cancer box! A box in the kitchen where i keep all my treatment paperwork, my medicines, anti sickness digestive biscuits, anti bacterial gel, and all sorts of interesting stuff. It seemed a bit pointless as i don't have cancer anymore! Ive put things in cupboards where they belong. Its made the kitchen look a bit nicer too.
Ive eaten for England.
I have a Creme Egg Easter Egg ready for the weekend, for if i get hungry! For if i ever have any space!
So id say it was a pretty good Good Friday.

17.4.14

What an exciting day!
My life has become a social whirlwind.
I had breakfast.
I got up and bathed.
I walked the dogs.
I came home again, and i ate.
I watched TV and i ate again.
Then bed!
I think somewhere in there, i fell asleep too.
Im hoping tomorrow will bring lots of fun and happiness, after all, it is Good Friday.
I shall not hold my breath! That would be silly. Id pass out!
Regardless of not much substance in my week 1, I'm happy.
Im happy in the hope the Easter Bunny will call on me.
Good night.

16.4.14

Ha ha ha, he he he, I'm the laughing gnome and you can't catch me.
Thats what i was singing earlier. I was so high. Day 1 and I'm feeling good. Thank god for steroids.
However, I'm starting to get the symptoms.
The indigestion and therefore the gaviscon. Yuk, but it helps.
The throat tightening because of the mucositis. The whole of my digestive tract swells and feels very uncomfortable. Through the day and night i feel like my oesophagus is sticking together. A mouthful of water helps for about 5 minutes and then back to stickiness.
The bloating, due to the mucositis. I feel like I've eaten a 3 course meal, so stuffed, whether I've eaten or not.
Hot flushes, thank god for my little fan!
I think thats all for now.
Im awaiting the 'drain pipe' down the throat feeling, that'll be tomorrow, and i think these symptoms have all started a few days earlier than usual.
But it could be worse. A few more days and ill be on the way back up again.
And i had a good day.
Lyn walked the doggies for me.
Saw Linda. It was her birthday. Would have liked to go out for lunch or something, but we did go out on monday. And she had a lovely cream tea with her lovely Kerrie.
Jenni came round and did some chores for me. She entertained me for a few hours, bless her.
Then time to chill.
And then a quick blog before bedtime. Ive tried to keep awake until bedtime, but its not really happened. Ive dozed off about 4 times this evening. Hope i don't wake at 4.30, but you never know.
So its time for a bit of proper shuteye.
Be kind to me thursday, please.

15.4.14

Chemo Number 6
Went uneventfully apart from Linda massaging my feet which put me to sleep so i missed an hour or so of the chemo. I think thats the way to go. Sleep through it. I will attempt it during number 7.
The highlight of the day, apart from the foot massage, is its HALFWAY.
I have to get over the nasty symptoms and then i class it as proper halfway. So next wednesday should be the day. 23rd April.
Got home about 2.30. Straight to bed to try and sleep it off. You never know how you're gonna feel.
Mild nausea and headache. Hot flushes. Seems to be ok at the mo.
Ive had a tin of spagetti bolognaise. Its carb, its quick, it seems to hit the spot.
And I've had my anti sickness staple, digestives.
Im feeling relatively good at the mo, hope it stays that way.
I may be awake in the middle of the night due to my best friends the steroids. If so, i'll stop by and say hi. But I'm sure nothing exciting will happen between now and then. I won't win the lottery, and i certainly won't do a bungey jump!
A' demain!

14.4.14

Look at that date, its pretty. 14.4.14.
Today was nice.
Went for my fortnightly blood tests. It wasn't my usual nurse, i had a doctor who was good at taking blood, but was a bit more serious than nursey.
That was followed by a drive round Sandbanks on a beautiful blue sky day.
Urban Reef for lunch, but not overly impressed with the food today. Don't know if it was my taste buds (which I've decided to call my cotton buds as food tastes like cotton!), or the chef!
A little walk on the sand which always looks so inviting, but after you've done it, you regret it cos of the sand chafing the skin! And finding its way into places it really shouldn't.
Back to Lindas for a bit of lounging time in her summer house. And she took this snap of me. I apologise for my steroidy face - you should see the steroidy body!

I feel the need to make my bald head normal! I don't want to wear a wig, or a hat, or a scarf. There are times when i should, but i want to be the one who decides when that time is. Ive gone for so long with scrappy hair, and a baldy head doesn't look that much worse, not to me anyway.

Why should women wear a wig, almost out of shame, or embarrassment? Its our own problem/issue, but id like it not to be. So, although i don't look like Sinead O'Connor, i also don't look like Harry Hill. 

Im me, with no hair cos of chemo. So I'm hoping i don't rush to cover up when someones at the door, or if i have to go out. 

Saying that, my head gets flipping cold. I put my hat on, and 10 minutes later I'm having a hot flush.

Anyway, an evening spent with the lovely Jenni and her craziness.

And now a bit of peace in bed before bed byes.

So number 6 tomorrow. Filled with trepidation but also determination. Its gotta be done, so i better get on and do it.

I may or may not be blogging tomorrow. So i'll see you when i see you.

13.4.14

Another sun shiny day.
I woke early, as usual and watched my porthole sun shadow move round the room.
I even managed to walk the doggies today which was nice as its Dotties 2nd birthday today.
We met Karen and Archie round the park, and Tilly the Old English Sheepdog.
Dottie managed to get cross with two dogs who decided to sniff her bum whilst Ruby ran to fetch the ball, again and again and again....
Home again and expecting to relax with a cuppa in the sunny garden, but no.....
Straight away i start gardening. I finished off a patch of weeding, planted a rhododendron, cut the grass, and strimmed as well, moved some pots and stuff about, and lots of other stuff.
At one stage, i rested on a garden chair and enjoyed the warmth from the sun. From the area i was weeding and planting, up popped two small children from next door. Dom and Ollie. They made themselves comfy on a garden bin and told me about their new bike, and they were going to the park in a minute.
Then i realised with horror - i was bald. They'd never seen me bald before. Had i frightened them?  They're probably used to characters like Dobby and Gollum. They did look quite curious and were very keen to stay chatting with me, and when i went to the other end of the garden, so did they. Ollie in particular. I had a lucky escape when they went to the park - or did they have a lucky escape from sci-fi road!
I felt my back aching a little so thought id better stop at 1pm! I did stop for a tea break a couple of times. Much to Ollies displeasure. Bless his cotton socks. They're dear little souls.

What a corker!

That little bit's taken me weeks, although i have been ill. 

So, tomorrow! 

Bloods day has come round far too quickly. Bloods day always is a day when Linda and i go to a nice restaurant (usually, but the last one was a let down) and have something nice for lunch. Tomorrow it is Urban Reef, one of my favourites, as it's Linda's birthday on wednesday. I will not be in a suitably good mood to wine and dine her then, so tomorrow it is. Blood day also though is a day of forthcoming doom. The next day is number 6. I shall try to look at it with a positivity cos at least i can strike another one off my list. I will be half way, but i tend to feel half way is about a week after chemo. So i shall leave that landmark till 23rd or 24th.

So really, i did quite well to hang on to my hair for so long, and i use the words 'hang on' loosely. 

So heres a photo of me with my wig on! I wonder if Ollie would find the wigged me, worse than the bald me?

I am leading up to putting a baldy shot on here! 

Anyway, thats my lot for today. So i shall leave you to enjoy your sunday evening. 

Goodnight one and all.