12.4.14

Its weird sleeping with no hair! My heads a little bristly,  i need a wet shave. But its so nice to the touch.
And so nice waking up and not looking like a scarecrow.
I wore my wig today. I was worried it wouldn't feel secure, but it did. I don't feel a gust of wind  would have me running down the road in hot pursuit of it.
But when it comes off, its like sticking your head in a freezer. Or that feeling when you come out of the sea and your costume is wet. Cold and uncomfortable.
I have various hats and scarves dotted round the house in case the need arises. I have a hat by the front door in case someone knocks.
However!
Ive had a very wicked thought!
Remember a few blogs back when a nice lady from Deaf Childrens Charity rang my door bell?
Mwahahaha.
Im gonna answer in bald mode.
I may even say, 'Hello' in a very pathetic 'I'm so ill' style.
Do you think some people would feel very uncomfortable?
I can see I'm gonna have some fun here.

Heres a photo of me, follically challenged, but as you can see, i have feathered! I blame it on the muesli - too many seeds. 

When i take some photos of me in my wig and other scarves, looking ok enough to not cause anyone to need a whiff of smelling salts, i shall put them on here. 

Anyway, its time to put my bristly head on my pillow. 

Thought of the day.  If i had a water bed, i wonder if my bristles would puncture it?

11.4.14

A proper switch flick day today.
Feel a lot better. Still wheezy and coughing, but feel happier.
I did a little gardening, just put some plants in. It looks lovely. Hoping to do a little more on sunday, but must remember not to overdo it!!!
I sat on the decking in the sun and had a cup of coffee, which is strange cos I've gone off coffee since chemo. And i had a hot crossed bun. It was lovely to sit in the sun. Lets hope it lasts.
Linda came round at 2 to take me out for lunch. We had a wonderful sandwich at Haskins and bought a few more plants. I found a lovely camellia with flowers that looked like raspberry ripple ice cream. Chris calls himself a raspberry ripple/cripple, and as I'm going to visit him tomorrow and view his possible new property, I've got it for him for a house warming pressy! Im sure he'll appreciate it.
Then home for a sit in the summer house with a cuppa and a giggle.
The subject turned to my hair, or lack of it.
Having tried my wig yesterday, i feel i look nicer in the wig rather than the pathetic covering that i call hair. It seems a lifetime ago that i had strong thick shiny hair.
Almost on the spur of the moment, we shaved it off!
When i say spur of the moment, its something thats been nibbling at my grey matter for weeks.
Its gonna happen sometime.
I wouldn't have to be covered in stray hairs everyday.
I wouldn't find my hair everywhere i go, in the bed, on the carpet, on my clothes, in my food, in the car, on Linda!
It wouldn't block the plughole.
More importantly, it wouldn't be going round and round my head. Shall i do it? Shall i not do it? With the worry of making the wrong decision.
So, the deed is done. And i didn't expect to look like Sinead O'Connor, but it doesn't look too bad. It looks a darn sight better than my scrappy bit of hair. It was starting to look like last years birds nest!
Hats have been modelled this afternoon. Scarves, feather boas, and of course the wig. I will put some photos on over the weekend of me in various poses with various props! You lucky lucky things!
Well all this bald headedness has made me very tired, so off to bedfordshire for me. At least i dont have to worry about my hair falling out in bed tonight.

10.4.14

What a lovely day. Jenni came round prior to her charity hair cut and we set off to Nandos for lunch. If you're gonna fund raise, you have to do it on a full stomach!

Lunch was amazing. Haven't been to Nandos for ages, and the tastes were soooo tangy, it hit the spot. Felt so stuffed after butterfly chicken, corn on the cob, coleslaw and chips. Olives and the best orange juice.

They're not olives, they're mine!!

We then headed for the hairdressers for the fait accompli. The lovely Callum was the coiffure.

He put Jenni's hair into a bunch on one side and cut it off, so that the photographer/reporter from the Echo could take a photo of Jenni with one side short and one side long. 

Then off with the other side and time to try and make something of the cropped top knob.

Heres the before and after. It looks amazing. I didn't know she could look so good!!!

So Callum did a good job!

We visited M&S and bought a few provisions for dinner and then home to relax before Jenni's mum arrived with the wine.

By about 8.30 the hunger that i thought would never return after lunch, actually returned. So we had cheesy nachos with tomato salsa, chorizo and guacamole. It was scrummy. I feel stuffed again!

Now she's gone home and taken with her a load of noise and a few funny photos of her pulling funny faces.

And relax.....

10.4.14

Im doing this now cos i may have 2 blogs today.
Technically speaking this happened yesterday, but i was too busy rabbiting on about feeling the love!
Do you remember i was 'flashed' on my way to work after my first chemo?
Yesterday was my drivers awareness course.
Still feeling rough from my infection, i wasn't looking forward to sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers and being lectured about how naughty i have been!
Worried about the indigestion, i do tend to make weird noises at times, burp-like!
Worried about the cough, which is still quite productive and rattling.
I left in plenty of time, aware of the comment on the letter. 'If you're not there on time, you won't be allowed in!' Holy mother of Mary, its very strict!
I had been responsible, and the day before Linda and i had driven there to find out about parking. Theres plenty of space for cars on the forecourt, so thats good. Im not able to walk too far without huffing and puffing on a good day, but with my cough, its very difficult.
I get there, and some clown's put a sign up. 'Parking behind Streetwise!'
Im not gonna be able to do that so i parked on the road and go in, hoping to ask if its ok to park where i was for the course. But of course i walk in and theres no one there except the fast driving, phone answering, law breaking type of people, all looking annoyed, accepting, bored and none of them feeling friendly.
Eventually a nice lady, Margaret came out and said we could all give our names and show licenses etc. I rush to the front, wheezing, and after hearing my plea for parking, she allows me to park on the forecourt. She was lovely.
We all sat down, i was given special dispensation to go out of the room at any time if i had a coughing fit, cos on my entry to the building, the excessive activity of walking from the car to the building had brought on a coughing fit. Margaret and Brian, couldn't have been nicer or more helpful.
There was a wide range of people there. A lady from Zimbabwe - Tinya, an American lady, a South African - Vicky, an orthodox Jew - Moses, with his skull cap and curls. Mercedes drivers, Lexus drivers, Focus drivers.  Mostly 'speeders', but a couple of 'mobile phone users', and one poor unfortunate older lady who had driven the wrong side of a bollard on a wet but sunny day. A police car was round the corner and 'nabbed' her! Thats the spirit. A genuine mistake deserves 3 points and £100 fine! That makes me angry. All the rest of us were aware of what we were doing! She wasn't.
Anyway. The course was informative, questioning, and i really enjoyed it. It certainly makes you think and see things in a different way. Theres no rush, you don't save much time if you pull out too quick, or if you try to stop someone overtaking you. Let them overtake if they're tailgating. It will waste one second of your time.
I vowed when leaving, i would be a better driver, more responsible, more aware of myself and others.
Got to the junction just near Streetwise, saw a car in the near distance, and i pulled out quickly so i could get home!!!!
How did that happen? I told myself off. Its a habit. Im gonna have to break it!
Theres no rush!
Anyway, ill be back later. Its Jenni's hair cutting off day! There will be photos!!!!!

9.4.14

Its amazing how my life has changed in the last 4 months.
I used to be a lady who lunched. Retail therapy. A member of a Rock Choir. And i enjoyed going to work, be it looking after my lady with a brain injury, or doing sugaring, massage, nails, etc.
I visited friends and i laughed and joked. I was cheeky and flirty.
Oh to go back to those times. Or better still to go forward to those times when I'm like that again.
I have become a person who uses words like cannula, pegfilgastrim, and neutropenia on a regular basis, with a full understanding of the words. Im almost medically trained with my new knowledge.
Im a woman who is caught up in herself and her health problems. I think about me now. Im not comfortable with that. Being a mum, you think of your offspring.  Now my offspring think about me. Sam tells me off if i do something i shouldn't. He clucks over me. 'Don't do too much. Sit down and rest. What do you want to eat? Cup of tea?'
Bless him.
Chris and Joe show me their concern. They worry about me. Chris laughs at me when I'm emotional. It puts it in perspective, and makes me laugh.
Im obsessed with my symptoms, of aches and pains, indigestion, wind, constipation, nausea, mucositis, tummy ache. Poor me.
Hair loss, weight gain, emotional moments and sobbing for no reason. Crying over the tragedy of Peaches Geldofs death and then crying cos someones put a nice video on Facebook. Sometimes not knowing whether to laugh or cry so doing them both together.
I have become intolerant (even more than i was!!). Wanting to shock people who 'cross' me with, 'I have cancer and you've just got me out of bed to ask if I've heard of your charity!'
But i have amazed myself at what i am going through. Who'd have thought id be ok about having cannulas on a regular basis, that id say things like, 'I'm nauseous but i can cope with it!'
When you're in this place, you do cope. You don't have a choice. And I'm hoping at the end of it i will be a stronger person. Someone with a deep insight to another persons suffering.  I had empathy before, but i feel it even deeper now.
At the moment tho, i will soak up the love.
Linda and my boys, Jenni, Linzi and Mary. Lyn walking the dogs when i don't have the energy. Mandys practical help. All my new lymphoma friends, Mike, Christine, Joan, Lizzie and Liz, Emma and Helen, to name just a few. They're all inspirational people who are going or have gone through something similar to me. My many friends on Facebook that leave me messages and comments, and the friends not on Facebook too. Far too many to mention.
The people who i don't know who have sent me gifts! Yes, people Ive never met have sent me gifts! How amazing is that?
Hope i haven't forgotten someone, or offended anyone! If i have, i will blame it on chemo brain! Im worrying now, in case i have forgotten someone!!!!
So many people have made lovely gestures.
Do you know, when I'm feeling low, when I'm sick or in pain, when i don't think i can do it anymore, its all this love that helps me through. The support, the encouragement. Its worth a million pounds.
I am rich.

8.4.14

Guess who went to a rave today?
Sorry, i didn't mean rave, i meant MRI scan!
I was worried cos some people had told me it makes you nauseous, and i really didn't wanna feel nauseous, especially cos I've had a bad time in the last few days.
Well it didn't make me nauseous at all.
It didn't look that different to the CT and PET scanner.
I was placed on the scanner table and cos i was having my shoulder scanned, i had a 'casing' on my shoulder and other wedges placed to keep my arm in the right place and to stop it moving.
I had ear plugs, and earphones and was given an option of music. Radio 2, 3, 4, or 5!
I closed my eyes all the same as i went in. I didn't want to awaken any claustrophobic feelings. I had a button that i could press if i had any problems.
So, being that it was 2pm, the news came on. I lay there wondering if it had started or not. And then.....
Oh good lord. A rave started. No banging and crashing as id been warned. It was more of a techno music sound. Beep beep beep, burr, burr, burr, peep, peep, peep. And then back to beep again. I was so surprised. I couldn't hear the music whilst the rave was occurring, but i managed to make out REM - losing my religion, followed by Neun und neunzig luftballons.
It was nothing to worry about, but i did feel uncomfortable. It was more cos of my position, my aching stomach muscles from coughing so much, and my back was twingeing.
So i felt quite desperate that it came to a close. I was told it would take about 30 mins.
What i did was guesstimate! The news - about 5 mins, REM - about 3 mins, 99 luftballons - 3 mins. And then there were 2 other songs, so another 6 mins. In between Patrick Kielty (yes i chose radio 2!) talked for Ireland, so another 3 minutes, roughly. Then cos it made me feel better, i added 2 minutes cos i told myself the songs were more than likely more than 3 minutes long.
22 minutes. Cant be much longer now.
Whirring, beeping, pipping. All sorts of noises.
Occasionally the scanner staff asked if i were ok. 'Yes' i replied, 'how much longer?'
I was told 10 minutes, so i listened out for the next song - M People - Moving on up.
I counted the seconds for about 4 minutes and the staff asked again,
'Are you ok?
'Yes, how much longer?'
'About 10 mins!'
And still the scanner beeped and whirred, and everytime it started with the noise again, i jumped out of my skin!
Then it was over. The relief.
I was dragged back into sanity and was able to slowly sit up, remove my ear plugs etc and escape the clutches of the MRI scanner, which had only been opened a month before by Harry Redknapp. I liked that idea, cos i like Harry cos of the time my Chris was at Southampton Football ground to watch Michael Owen play and it was arranged he should meet Michael.
Chris was so nervous and excited that a migraine ensued and he missed the whole game whilst he threw up and then slept in the club bar.
Whilst he sat in his wheelchair, green and feeling awful, Jamie and Harry came into the lobby near the changing rooms. I didn't know who they were, but Chris's face lit up. The two of them, and Sandra, Harrys wife, chatted for ages with Chris. They were soooooooo nice to him. It made Chris's day. For that gesture alone, i like the Redknapps. Chris's migraine just melted away.
Michael had injured his leg in the game, and came out of the changing room for about 5 minutes and didn't really have anything to say. Pleasant, but not a Redknapp!
Of course, my Linda took me to the scan. As she always does.
Theres nothing nicer than coming out of a scan, or lung function tests, or even chemo, to have the lovely smiling face of my Linda.
We came home again and enjoyed a cuppa before the busy bee Linda buzzed off.
The evening spent chatting with Jenni and then id like to say i relaxed in front of the tv.
But its not that easy relaxing when you have tummy ache. Don't know why. It could be the antibiotics, it could be the achey muscles from coughing, or it could be the chemo. It could be all 3. I will never know. I just wish it would do one!
Maybe tomorrow!
The moral of the story however,
MRI SCANS ARE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

7.4.14

Well i rang the hotline. I was admitted, cannula, again, IV antibiotics, chest Xray, and all around 3 in the morning. I sat in a chair, feeling really grotty for hours. I just wanted to go to bed.
Eventually i was taken to the ward where i managed to catch the odd 5 minutes of sleep in between lots of noise of the ward, and an extractor fan in my room.
Dr Jack came to visit me. He makes me smile. He's always so happy. He has a lovely smile. He said id done the right thing and then said i could go home with some oral antibiotics. I told him he'd made my day and he likened me to Clint Eastwood!
So, after hours of waiting for my drugs, and i mean hours, I'm home. Still feeling grotty. My chest hurts, especially when i cough.
Sams been a star. He took me to the hospital at 3am and stayed with me till about 6 ish. Then he came back at 12 ish  to take me home. And then back again to collect my drugs cos they weren't ready and i really couldn't wait to go home any longer.
And joy of joys, its steroid 'come down' day. The day when all the emotions in the world gang up on me and make me cry for absolutely no reason. So I'm sobbing and going all over the place.
Well I've pulled myself together now, so panic over.
Its time now to recover.