1.2.16
February all ready! And although I've done things, and gone out and had a good time, this year is on hold! I would like to get on with anything i have to do so i can get back to normal - yes that word normal again. I yearn for the time when its all behind me......... again!
I remember the feeling when i finished my last lot of chemo. It was elation......... that slowly turned into anxiety. The normal default setting for a cancer survivor. As the hair returned and the moon face shrunk, the realisation of what had happened and what could happen dawned on me. Don't get me wrong, i can live with it, even now its return seems to be coming a reality. I don't really have any choice!
Chemo is a default or restore button.
On your laptop, if you find its not working, and you really don't know what you've done wrong, you can restore it to go back to a former time when it wasn't playing up! Or you can wipe the laptop clean and put if back to factory settings, default setting.
Chemo does this!
If you have any rashes, back ache, symptoms for your cancer, chemo sorts these out in most cases. I lost my back ache when i had chemo, it returned after i finished it though. People say their itching and sweats stopped during chemo, i never had those symptoms so not talking personally. And of course, lumps shrink (if you're lucky!).
Unfortunately we get chemo induced joint pain, and peripheral neuropathy, mucositis and so on and so forth of july!
And of course you feel bloody awful.
So is chemo a positive?
It saves your life, if you're lucky. It also causes cancer!
Im trying to find some positives in my impending (more than likely) doom.
I felt some anxiety this morning whilst i lay in bed, shattered with the fatigue and wondering if i was able to get out of bed to walk the dogs. I was going over the chemo affects and how sh*t I'm likely to feel. Of course every one reacts differently. One person said she pretty much slept through the chemo, whilst another felt so rough and lost weight cos of loss of appetite (theres a positive).
All i can do is wait and see what happens. In the meantime my anxiety setting has been raised slightly.
Is there a button i can press for that?
I know you probably don't feel it right now, but you're an incredibly strong person! Try and remember that... If ever in doubt, read over your blog entries. You've done this once before with dignity, grace, and a few laughs along the way... Round 2 will no different xXx
ReplyDeleteThanks Catherine. Strangely i have been reading over my blog. The worst thing, as was before, is the not knowing. Luckily, if i need it, it should be only 3 months or so instead of the 6 last time. Thank you very much. Your comment has made me feel more positive. Hope you are doing well xxx
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