1.11.14

November already.
Its hard to believe this time last year i had cancer throughout my abdomen! And at the last count i had none! My 3 month 'check up from the neck up' is looming. Time has gone really quickly.
Hoping to lose another half a stone by the time i see Dr Jack! I can shimmy into his room in a tight fitting black dress with my long blonde hair flowing in the breeze.
Yes i'm dreaming again.
I may lose half a stone, but theres no chance id get away with a tight fitting dress unless i wanna turn him gay, and the colour and length of my hair is by no means an attractive look, and a month won't make it so!
Maybe my 6 month check! If i remember (haha i don't think so!) Im gonna take photos of myself at each check and see the difference over time.  I amaze myself with my ingenuity! You gotta be bright to be a lymphomaniac!
So what can i moan about tonight? Maybe the fact that Chris went to Nottingham to a psychology/OCD conference. Train seats reserved as he's disabled and in a wheelchair, and for all legs (theres a pun there!) of his journey.  He has to have assistance to get on and off, so it needs to be booked. A few parts of the journey went ok but that doesn't help unless all of it is trouble free!
He wasn't allowed on the train at Bristol Temple Meads because the condescending lady said they were too busy, which they weren't particularly. Whats the point of reserving then? She was quite rude so a letter of complaint will be sent. The last time Chris had an altercation with a member of staff at a train station, they ended up being sacked for discrimination.
He's his mothers son, and i don't know if thats good or bad!
A lovely sunday. Chloe attempted to  cook pancakes for brekky. Not easy when someone (!!!) ate the last of the eggs last night for dinner. Oops.
You'd think with 10 chickens messing on the front lawn you'd have plenty of choice of eggs. Lazy girls! They're all messed up with the dark evenings. They tend to take themselves of to bed about 5pm. All tucked up watching the soaps!
Eggs purchased at the local grocers.
Yum flipping yum. I had 3! 2 with nutella and one with sugar and lemon.
More tidying, sorting and arranging. It was so rewarding.
Then time for roast pork, and i think the nicest roast pork I've had for a long while.
Chris has got his piggies being delivered on tuesday. Better get a whole load of apple sauce in ready!

29.10.14

Im back.
Im all cruised out.
Ive eaten Belgian waffles with Belgian chocolate - but not put on a pound in weight. Yippee.
Ive had more exercise than i normally get but paid the price. Not with blisters, but with aches and pains. My poor feet! Damn this sensitive skin and joint pain. Ive been back 3 days and I'm still soooo achey.
Ive done a little swimming and now my neck and back aches.
Ive been on a ship, a little boat, a bus, a car and on foot.
Ive watched films, comedians, played games, crosswords.
Ive drunk loads of prosecco and a strawberry daiquiri. Tea and very strong coffee!
Bacon and eggs, sausage, mushrooms and beans. Curries. Pineapple and melon. Ice cream. Not all together i might add. Its so difficult coming home and having to cook my own food. Im taking it slowly. Ive managed to open a few tins of soup and tomorrow i may progress to a jacket potato.
And now i need something else to look forward to. Possibly a trip to Paris next.
I know. A visit to my son to look after his dogs whilst he's away at a convention.  R&R i think you call it. Rest and recuperation.
I arrived with my 3 dogs, to join his 5 dogs.
His frozen dog food was delivered at the same time lunch was ready, and the same time we should be leaving for him to get to the train station.
'Mum, could you deliver 2 of the (huge) boxes of dog food to the farm shop (where his friendly butcher allows him to put the food in his freezer), and apologise for me not arranging it with him. But I'm sure he'll be ok with it!'
So..... i delivered Chris and Chloe to the station. Chloe left the passenger window open. The same side as the recent damage when someone drove the car into a bollard (£650 quote to repair!). There was no way it wanted to shut. Chris said you have to bang it!! Technical, that! I travelled to the farm shop with the wind blowing through the car, luckily not messing up my hair, and found Andy. Told him about the dog food. He frowned. He hasn't got a lot of room at the mo, but he managed it. He also banged the window at my request, which then shut. Then home to sort out the other 2 boxes of dog food, and to wash up from lunch. I got carried away and tidied the fridge, cleaned out some cupboards and sorted the utility room! By 5pm i was unable to walk without looking like i needed a zimmer frame.
I lounged for a period of time, in front of the TV, on Chris's bed, with 8 dogs alternating time next to me.
Cup of tea time.
As i walked into the kitchen, my reflection in the french windows jumped out at me. It was like a trip to a magic mirrors stand at the fair. I looked about a size 8!! I thought for a minute my diet was going better than i thought. I moved to the next door, the nasty door! I looked a size 20! Luckily i had seen the 'skinny' door first otherwise i would have been devastated. Im hoping I'm somewhere in between.
Time for bed, the epic job of toileting 8 dogs.
Done with tremendous ease.
All in, doors locked. Head count. 3 spinones, 2 jugs, 1 cockapoo, 1 malteser, and wheres the springer spaniel?
I couldn't find her. I searched the house. I searched the garden. She must have jumped the fence and she's off clubbing in Trowbridge.
After an hour or so, i decided to go to bed. I could do no more. Hopefully in the morning she'll be sat by the back door with a tennis ball in her mouth, her eyes staring insanely.
I never slept well. I was worrying about Tottie. Mona was missing her dad and barked most of the night. My 3 slept like logs in their bed in my room! Typical.
6am i got up! I came downstairs and let them all out, hoping the head count would be 8.
No, just the 7.
And then out of the corner of my eye, i see a manic dog, stretching her back legs as she walked from Chris's bedroom, the bedroom i had searched about 4 times last night!
Number 8 - all present and correct!
Thank god Chris is home tonight.

20.10.14

So looking forward to my well earned mini cruise on thursday with Linda and Kerrie.
Ive managed to get my case out of the attic, I've managed to wash the dust and crap off of it!
Ive found a swimming costume in my drawer that still fits - does that mean i haven't put THAT much weight on?
I have to decide what clothes I'm taking, i have ironing to do, nails, and sort out cameras, iPod, chargers, etc etc etc.
Whats good is i don't have to worry about my hair. Do i take straighteners? Nope. Do i need to take brushes? Nope. Do i need to bring hair accessories - ties, clips, etc? Nope.
I have googled our ports of call and worked out if we can walk to where we want to go or do we need a shuttle bus. Of course when on board i can go to the 'Explorer' department and ask the staff there for some advice. Thats if i manage to move away from the restaurant.
I have looked at the ship deck plans and worked out where our stateroom is and where the restaurant is in relation. You have to get your priorities right!
I have everything under control.
I have checked the weather.
OMG a storm arriving tomorrow!
Luckily by thursday it will be almost non existent, i hope.
I swear, if my cruise is ruined by the weather, i will be booking another one next year, and a proper couple of weeks cruise instead of a mini.
Today i met up with Linda in M&S for a sandwich, a coffee and a chat about the cruise.
We are both very excited. We need incontinence pants!
We are both trying on clothes as if it is going out of fashion. Isn't it funny. As many items as you have in your wardrobe, you still feel the need to buy more when you're going on holiday!  I think its a girl thing.
I have packed :-
3 pairs of leggings (one smart pair)
2 smart tops (for evening wear)
6 casual tops (for day wear)
3 dresses
I am going away for 4 days. I will need to change 3 times during the day, and one evening i will change during dinner to ensure i use all the clothes!
What a numpty i am.
Between us we will let down the side for Bournemouth.
I forget everything (chemo) and have packed clothes for a small army.
Linda can't speak properly, i really don't know why. I think she does it for attention.
She also had a list today of things she needs for the holiday. Lemonade was on the list?????
She forgot her euros! Its on the list, and she forgot it.
Kerrie is the only one with any common sense on this holiday.
I am apprehensive regarding embarkation. I am intending taking 2 bottles of prosecco on board. Now normally you can't take alcohol on board. They like you to spend an arm and a leg in the onboard bar. I have been informed, if its for a good reason, they can allow it.
I think fighting off cancer is a fairly good reason for a party.
I think they may think we've gone a bit overboard (another little pun for you!) as Linda has 2 boxes of wine in her case for her and Kerrie.
I think we will be invited to the FRIENDS OF BILL W. In fact invited, i think it will be obligatory.
(Friends of Bill W. are alcoholics anonymous meetings on board cruise liners.)

19.10.14

As you know, I'm an upbeat sort of person most of the time. However, last night i took a bit of a downer! Im ok now, normal service has been resumed, but i'll tell you why i went down. Its another effect of having cancer, that other mortals probably wouldn't even realise would effect us cancer warriors.
You see the photos of us holding up cards saying 'last chemo' or 'i kicked cancers arse'. You see us bald, losing weight, or in my case, putting it on. You hear the stories of scans and cannulas, and poisons and feeling rough.
You don't see whats inside.
Im sure I've mentioned before, theres a Hodgkins Lymphoma page on FB which i visit regularly, maybe daily. Sufferers at various points, pre diagnosis, pre chemo, during chemo, and post chemo, go on there for support, advice and sometimes just a cyber hug.
One lady, who's been through the mill a bit, came on saying her scan results shows her disease has reduced, but she's still not in remission. She's going to have a stem cell transplant (bone marrow transplant) using a donor rather than her own cells. She's been told this is pretty much her only option, and the word 'death' was mentioned.
I know she's been battling this disease for a while now, but even so, it must be very scary for her. And there for the grace of God go I. And all of us.
I was told from day one, not to worry, its completely curable, obviously by an idiot! Curable for the majority, yes, but not for all. And you never know which group you're in! Since my 4th dose of chemo, my cancer has done one! Thats not to say its done one for life. It could come back. The longer i go without it, the more likely it is to stay away, but thats not a dead cert, excuse the pun.
But seeing others go through an awful time, worse than me, gives me a sudden realisation of how fragile we all are.  Its a lottery whether we get 'it' or not. And its pot luck whether it comes back or not.
So, even though everyone, friends and family are rejoicing over the fact that i have 'complete metabolic response', in reality, theres a long way to go, in fact, i will never be free of the possibility of its return, which leads me, and my fellow warriors, to live life on the edge. A life sentence. A continual underlying sense of doom.
This is my life, and as we're all aware just lately, a lot of peoples lives.
And because of this, i suggest you all bring me Cadburys on a regular basis!
Only joking. All i ask is that you be tolerant and show some understanding to the turmoil that bubbles below the surface.
Now where did i put that chocky?

14.10.14

Look at the date. I do like symmetry, and i know its not complete symmetry, but its good enough to make me feel happy.
Is this the beginning of OCD?
Beginning? Who am i trying to kid. Well into my OCD. But i must say, having cancer and chemo has changed that somewhat.
I decorated the lounge at the weekend. All by myself, which I'm quite proud about. And it looks lovely. I still have to buy some throws for the sofas, and some wall art and a huge mirror, but its habitable.
I did 2 coats on each wall and an extra one on the brown wall as it was still patchy.
I did the woodwork, but heres where the OCD came into play, or would have done PC (pre chemo).
I rubbed half of it down! Got fed up with doing it and my hands were getting a bit scratchy. And i painted it, but not very well. It looks ok as long as you don't look closely with a magnifying glass. But if you did look with a magnifying glass, i would accuse you of having worse OCD than me.
And do you know what???? I really don't care.
Where is the Jill we know? What have you done with her?
I cleaned the filthy french windows. They're still smeary!!! I don't care! I can see the little robin who keeps visiting and staring through at me in various positions and poses. He's trying to make me feel guilty so i go out and buy more meal worms.
I quite like this new Jill. One who doesn't worry quite so much about things that aren't that important.
However..... you know how i tend to get irritated by idiots, I'm getting fed up with Jeremy Kyle. Not that i held I'm in high esteem at any point, but i suppose its dawned on me, either that or I've remembered, that he's an egotistical, judgemental, self righteous, twat!
The way, when people are waiting to find out if the DNA proves 'he is the father', or 'she hasn't had sexual intercourse with anyone else', he pauses, and quite a long pause. These are important issues to some people, not all of them, granted, but to the more normal types on his show, these govern whether their life is ruined or not.
Can you imagine going to the doctor to get your test results?
'The test results show that you...............................do not have cancer!'
And yet Jezza thinks its acceptable to leave people who are upset and stressed to wait, for the benefit of his bank balance and the suspense of the viewers, for the results.
Shocking!
See no OCD but i have picked up intolerance, big style, and the other thing is my awareness of danger, not only for myself, for anyone, in real life or even on TV. To animals especially.
I have suddenly become aware if i eat a sweet and cough i could choke! Or if i step up a kerb i could trip and sprain an ankle! It doesn't stop me eating sweets or stepping onto kerbs but i am aware of the imminent danger.
Is there any hope for me?

7.10.14

Oh what a weekend.
Landan with Mary was amazing.
We had lunch in Farnham followed by tea by the canal at Send. Arrived in Landan taan just in time to meet my Joe, and Marys Hannah. Dinner at The Abbeville. It was lovely. Fish and chips and then chocolate orange fondant with blood orange sorbet. Unbelieeeeeeevably amazing. Unfortunately i shared it with Joe so i wasn't too naughty.
The next day started with croissants and coffee.... and Bucks Fizz. It was Marys birthday. She's 13 days younger than me, but she looks about 13 years older!! But she hasn't put on 42 stone in weight and lost all her hair!!
Next we went to Liberties and did some shopping. What a lovely building.
As it was Marys birthday, and as Hannah had bought her the latest Ottolenghi cook book, we decided to eat at Nopi, Ottolenghis restaurant. We were meeting with Joe and Jon and i didn't think he'd appreciate Iranian food, so Mary and Hannah ate there alone and Mary was given an Ottolenghi cook book and the menu of the day signed by the man himself (or a forgery) and was given a sorbet with a candle in it. Joe, Jon and myself went to a chicken restaurant and had a wonderful italian burger with sweet potato fries. It was amazing, again.
We all went for a coffee together before Joe and Jon departed.
Next stop, Radio Bar and a bottle of Prosecco as we sat in the sun and watched the goings on in London at that height. Helicopters, and planes every couple of minutes. A whole host of women with drawn on eyebrows, false lashes and nails and streaky bleached hair. And so many smoking.
Mary had brought tickets for Wicked, so we made our way to the theatre by way of a rickshaw. Oh what fun we had. Our driver was mad. He made us all squeal with his erratic driving.
Wicked was wicked.
So full of colour and such a good idea.
Enough already. I was more than ready for bed.
We were staying at Hannahs digs.
Hannah stays with Tessa and her partner, who's dad lives near Mary. What a stylish flat.
Woke up after a well earned sleep and after another long chat, we headed off to Tower Bridge to see the poppies. It was stunning.
Found ourselves at St Catherines docks in Cafe Rouge for lunch, before Heron House. The Duck and Waffle, 40th floor.
The stories Hannah had for us with regards, buildings, businesses, shops. She knows nearly everything about London.
The whole weekend was just totally amazing. Magical. I can't wait for mine and Marys 55th birthday!
Back to reality.
I really don't like having to cook my own meals again.
Today was cardiologist day.
He decided i had to have the test that he's been umming and arring (not sure if thats the way to write that!) about. Yet another cannula......and air is injected into me, having been fizzed up so bubbles go into my lungs whilst the ultrasound camera is poised waiting for pictures. This shows if theres a hole between both sides of the heart and whether a clot could pass between. It was negative, thank goodness. If there had been a hole, i don't know what would have happened??? Open heart surgery maybe????
I have been discharged but i can call him if i need him. Maybe a follow up in a years time.
I have to continue the medication for now and commence aspirin.
He wants me to have regular exercise!!! Crazy fool.
On that note, I'm going to bed!

2.10.14

Look at the date. October already.
On january 7th I got my results from my enlarged gland in my groin that I had excised. 9 months ago.
In that time I've been through 6 cycles of ABVD chemo. I knew id get through it, but at the time I wondered how yI'd get through it. And here i am. Chemo finished. 6week scan and results (good results too!). And now my first 3 month check up from the neck up (silly i know, but i had to say it!), is in a month or so.
I can't believe I've had cancer!
I think I've just got fat and bald for no reason!
The hair is returning and the weight is going, slowly.
I know physically I'm different. I don't have the low back ache i had before diagnosis. Obviously down to the lymphoma, but i didn't know that until fairly recently. It was a light bulb moment.
I was having physio and i asked her if it could be anything other than stiff joints cos it just seemed to go back to how it was each time she 'loosened' me up. She assured me it was just the latter. Now I'm more flexible and pain free in that department, now the cancer has gone from that area.
However, i have an unexplained cough of which i was x-rayed for and visiting the cardiologist next week for a further echo ultrasound.
My tender fingertips that weren't present during chemo, and disappeared a couple of weeks ago, are back again! A womans prerogative to change her mind i suppose.
My ankles seize up when i sit or lay so when i get into the upright position and attempt to walk....... OMG you should see me!!! I look like an OAP. They soon loosen up tho so i am able to sprint to the kitchen for cake.
Actually, very little cake for me! Im being a fairly good girl. Probably cos I'm so desperate to lose weight. I get it in my head i look a certain way and then catch sight of myself in a mirror and depression descends - almost enough to eat cake, anti depressant cake!
My shortness of breath is a lot better, but then i am on the tablets, which may be whats giving me the cough! I stopped taking them for 2 days last weekend to see if that was the cough cause, but on the third day my pulse was 105! So I'm back on them again after a discussion with the cardiologist.
Im still very intolerant, but I'm not sure that can be blamed on the chemo!
A recent intolerance of mine, silly i know, unnecessary i know. The new programme on TV, Judge Rinder, he has a lady called Rochelle who collects documents for him from the lunatics who have put themselves in his courtroom. She's very smartly dressed and she wears high heels, black ones. They're so high she can't walk in them! She's on national TV, tottering around like a teenager in stilettos trying to impress boys. Does she know how ridiculous she looks? I presume not.
Flip flops are the way to go. No blisters, no squashed toes and certainly not looking like you're part of the Ministry of silly walks, and looking like you've  pooped yourself!
Anyway, my recovery is going well.
My second weekend away is coming up, in fact its tomorrow.
Im off to London with Mary, staying with her daughter Hannah and seeing my baby Joe. Its gonna be epic. Cant wait. Mary and i have a great time together, so we have a whole weekend of it.
My last night duty this week. Off to Marys for some brekky and a shower before we head off for Landan Taan!
Im sat in my bed at work wondering if I've packed everything i need???
Phone charger, check. Toiletries, check. Marys birthday card, check. Medication, check. What i didn't pack was mousetraps! I can hear the little blighters scratching around in the attic!
Its home from home here. At least mice are a little quieter than rats!!