6.3.14
I used to really enjoy my thursday night duty, cos when i woke in the morning, it was the start of the weekend for me. A time where i relaxed and saw my boyfriend, did some chores, maybe visited Chris, or other friends. Now its either a weekend of feeling not too good, or a weekend knowing I'm having my next chemo in a few days.
Its amazing how a few weeks have changed everything.
What i need to do now is to find the positivity that i had to start with. I was keen for number one, and number 2, but since 2 and 3 have caused me to be ill, i now have a feeling of impending doom.
But...... i don't need to do it if i don't want to, i can say, no more.
Thats not really an option tho, is it?
So i have to make the most of it.
I need to remind myself that i may feel grotty for a few days, and tired for a few more and then more of a recovery for a week, but its to return myself to health. To rid myself of the cancer.
I need to remind myself that some people are suffering far more than i am. And younger people too. They should be out with their friends, enjoying their youth, like i did.
And i need to remind myself that if i had lymphoma years ago, before CT scans and PET scans, my treatment would have been far worse. A laparotomy to remove my spleen, and a huge wedge biopsy of my liver. Then i would need to recover from the surgery before having chemo.
So...... im gonna try. If all the millions of other people can go through it, so can i.
And for number 4, i think ill be having more steroids to help me through it. Which the downside means i won't be able to sleep as well as i normally do, but i will be back to eating whatever looks like it has a lot of calories in it! Theres always a silver lining!
And in a few months, all being well, and fingers crossed, the chemo will be over, and i can start to get back to my normal self, whatever that was!
So i apologise if i repeat myself in the coming few blogs, but i need to remind myself of my newly found positivity.
Thursday, 6 March 2014
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
5.3.14
2 in one day!
Im feeling my switch has been flicked! Theres a time after week one when i suddenly feel a lot better. Remember the 'Happy' video? That was a switch flicking moment. I do have another song to sing, but i may do it a bit later on my journey. I feel i should give warning. Most people seemed to enjoy it, or were kind enough to lie! There was one however who couldn't stand more than 15 seconds of it. If you have nothing nice to say, shut the F up! Thats what my mother always told me!
Anyway.
Ive been round to see Mary - nice thatched cottage, 2 cars, and room for a pony!
She did me a lovely brekky. Oh what a lovely time.
Mary is such a lovely person. So bright, so funny, she so models herself on me!
We talked for 3 and 1/2 hours, we did a bit of the mutual admiration stuff, we reminisced about all the fun we've had over the last 35 years that we've been friends, talked about our awesome children, we made plans of things we could do AC (after chemo), planned things to do DC (during chemo), it was lovely.
DC - I'm going round one evening to watch The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Its our sense of humour. And dinner of course.
AC - we're gonna visit our children (both living in London) for a weekend of fun and frolics.
I did mention yesterday about Mary. I did say there were stories to be told. Heres one!
Mary had a motorbike. Only a small engine, but motorbike all the same. We were about 20 years old. We decided to go somewhere on the bike (she had her license!). She got on the bike and waited for me to climb aboard. I was faffing with my helmet (i was always worried about messing up my hair, even then). Impatient about waiting for me, she revved the engine and rolled forward slightly, hoping to scare me into being ready for off. Instead, i screamed and my arms went round her, clutching onto the most prominent point (or points) and squeezing hard. Yes. Bosoms!!! You probably had to be there!
She never did that again!
Years of memories. Tears of laughter. I love my friends.
2 in one day!
Im feeling my switch has been flicked! Theres a time after week one when i suddenly feel a lot better. Remember the 'Happy' video? That was a switch flicking moment. I do have another song to sing, but i may do it a bit later on my journey. I feel i should give warning. Most people seemed to enjoy it, or were kind enough to lie! There was one however who couldn't stand more than 15 seconds of it. If you have nothing nice to say, shut the F up! Thats what my mother always told me!
Anyway.
Ive been round to see Mary - nice thatched cottage, 2 cars, and room for a pony!
She did me a lovely brekky. Oh what a lovely time.
Mary is such a lovely person. So bright, so funny, she so models herself on me!
We talked for 3 and 1/2 hours, we did a bit of the mutual admiration stuff, we reminisced about all the fun we've had over the last 35 years that we've been friends, talked about our awesome children, we made plans of things we could do AC (after chemo), planned things to do DC (during chemo), it was lovely.
DC - I'm going round one evening to watch The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Its our sense of humour. And dinner of course.
AC - we're gonna visit our children (both living in London) for a weekend of fun and frolics.
I did mention yesterday about Mary. I did say there were stories to be told. Heres one!
Mary had a motorbike. Only a small engine, but motorbike all the same. We were about 20 years old. We decided to go somewhere on the bike (she had her license!). She got on the bike and waited for me to climb aboard. I was faffing with my helmet (i was always worried about messing up my hair, even then). Impatient about waiting for me, she revved the engine and rolled forward slightly, hoping to scare me into being ready for off. Instead, i screamed and my arms went round her, clutching onto the most prominent point (or points) and squeezing hard. Yes. Bosoms!!! You probably had to be there!
She never did that again!
Years of memories. Tears of laughter. I love my friends.
5.3.14
The thing about chemo is the 'chemo brain'!
Im sure somewhere on my blog i have mentioned rats? I had them when i moved in to my house last year and 'Marisa the rat' put poison down. Now they're back so I've had Russell Rat round.
Logically i thought it out!! Theres no point putting poison down to kill the rat under my floor boards (after moving a large pine dresser and all thats on it, and in it! Carpets, floor boards, etc), just to find, as Marisa has suggested, my sewer pipe is broken and the little 'sh*t' is getting in that way! Cos then his brother and sister, mother and father will also call in, maybe even a little rat funeral, who knows what their culture is?
It would be far better to shove a camera down my pipes, nothing anatomical or physiological meant here, no euphemism! Check out any damage, correct it, and voila, no more rats. Thats the idea.
I ring dynarod and they're semi helpful. Yes they will do the cctv, i have to find the manhole cover and see if my insurance covers the said 'pipeoscopy'.
Man hole cover found. Useful.
Insurance company contacted. Not so useful!
'Just enquiring if my insurance policy covers the fact that i have rats and they may be coming in through a broken sewerage pipe?'
'If its rats, probably not!'
'Why? Its not the rats that broke the pipe???'
'Oh, we might do then!'
Spoke to human with a brain and some sense and it was suggested i ring the water board.
Water board contacted. Useful.
Yes we will come and see if you share a pipe (urgh, why does that make me queasy?). If so, we are responsible, if not, we still may be responsible depending on where it is. We will be round in 1 - 5 days. Success.
I decide to call on my neighbour, the local drug dealer! He's been shopped to the police by all the neighbours - not myself i might add.
'Hi, I'm from next door. Someone may come round to remove the ivy creeping up my wall and window. Don't know who and don't know when, but is that ok? Oh and do you have rats? Do we share a sewer pipe?'
All this is blurted out, with a bit of hesitation and a bit of stuttering. A drug dealer. Obviously has connections with the mafia. I better be careful!!! He may have a gun!!!
The way a woman's brain works!!!
The way a menopausal woman's brain works!!!
The way a menopausal woman with chemo brain's brain works!!!
Anyway, i carry on with my simple but painful exchange of questions and information!
'I have rats and they may be coming in through the sewers and Wessex Water will be visiting in the next few days so if you see a man snooping around, thats who it is.'
In my head, I'm thinking he's hearing, 'There will be armed police swarming the place checking you out for drugs and I'm the one who's grassed!'
He stands there, with a deadpan face, and very few words in answer to my many stuttering, spluttering, uncomfortable questions.
Yes thats fine (the ivy), no to rats, no to sharing a pipe (a sewer pipe, not a drug smoking pipe), and can you get your husband to trim this bush?
I don't have a husband, but if i did, i would!! What a stupid answer.
Im gonna have to watch my back!
The thing about chemo is the 'chemo brain'!
Im sure somewhere on my blog i have mentioned rats? I had them when i moved in to my house last year and 'Marisa the rat' put poison down. Now they're back so I've had Russell Rat round.
Logically i thought it out!! Theres no point putting poison down to kill the rat under my floor boards (after moving a large pine dresser and all thats on it, and in it! Carpets, floor boards, etc), just to find, as Marisa has suggested, my sewer pipe is broken and the little 'sh*t' is getting in that way! Cos then his brother and sister, mother and father will also call in, maybe even a little rat funeral, who knows what their culture is?
It would be far better to shove a camera down my pipes, nothing anatomical or physiological meant here, no euphemism! Check out any damage, correct it, and voila, no more rats. Thats the idea.
I ring dynarod and they're semi helpful. Yes they will do the cctv, i have to find the manhole cover and see if my insurance covers the said 'pipeoscopy'.
Man hole cover found. Useful.
Insurance company contacted. Not so useful!
'Just enquiring if my insurance policy covers the fact that i have rats and they may be coming in through a broken sewerage pipe?'
'If its rats, probably not!'
'Why? Its not the rats that broke the pipe???'
'Oh, we might do then!'
Spoke to human with a brain and some sense and it was suggested i ring the water board.
Water board contacted. Useful.
Yes we will come and see if you share a pipe (urgh, why does that make me queasy?). If so, we are responsible, if not, we still may be responsible depending on where it is. We will be round in 1 - 5 days. Success.
I decide to call on my neighbour, the local drug dealer! He's been shopped to the police by all the neighbours - not myself i might add.
'Hi, I'm from next door. Someone may come round to remove the ivy creeping up my wall and window. Don't know who and don't know when, but is that ok? Oh and do you have rats? Do we share a sewer pipe?'
All this is blurted out, with a bit of hesitation and a bit of stuttering. A drug dealer. Obviously has connections with the mafia. I better be careful!!! He may have a gun!!!
The way a woman's brain works!!!
The way a menopausal woman's brain works!!!
The way a menopausal woman with chemo brain's brain works!!!
Anyway, i carry on with my simple but painful exchange of questions and information!
'I have rats and they may be coming in through the sewers and Wessex Water will be visiting in the next few days so if you see a man snooping around, thats who it is.'
In my head, I'm thinking he's hearing, 'There will be armed police swarming the place checking you out for drugs and I'm the one who's grassed!'
He stands there, with a deadpan face, and very few words in answer to my many stuttering, spluttering, uncomfortable questions.
Yes thats fine (the ivy), no to rats, no to sharing a pipe (a sewer pipe, not a drug smoking pipe), and can you get your husband to trim this bush?
I don't have a husband, but if i did, i would!! What a stupid answer.
Im gonna have to watch my back!
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
4.3.14
Happy Pancake Day
I had another good one. Day that is, not pancake. Although i had a good pancake too, but ill tell you about that all in good time.
Still been feeling headachy and slightly nauseous, so the lovely Lyn walked the dogs for me this morning, bless her cotton socks.
I had a clients nails and sugaring to do this morning, so after that i paid cheques into the bank, put quilts into the laundrette for a service wash, filled the car up with diesel, and visited Nurturing by Nature to find out if i fed the dogs raw food rather than dog food, would they have less wind etc!!! The answer was, 'probably, yes'.
Then to visit the Woods. Not the woods as in the forest, Val and Dave for lunch. Had a lovely time catching up, and a lovely lunch of salad nicoise followed by home made lemon sorbet. Scrummy.
Then a shattered me left for home.
After half hour of resting and i think possibly dozing off for 5 minutes, i was invited to me Lindas for a cuppa. I love visiting her. She does my heart good. So calm.
'Are you having pancakes?' she asked.
'Probably not' i replied.
'But you love lemons.'
She only whisked me up a couple of pancakes with lemon and sugar! She's like Nigella, a domestic goddess. And they were lovely too.
Now I'm at work, in bed, and looking forward to waking up and 'pitching up' at Marys house in Wimborne St Giles for a nice brekky with her. The reason i put 'pitching up', is because Mary always used to say, 'We pitched up at so and so' and it used to tickle me. Well i have no doubt i will be tickled tomorrow. Mary is one of my oldest friends. We trained as nurses together, and i could tell you some real stories about Mary. Stories of thermal vests, bell ringing and young farmers balls!!! But maybe thats for another blog.
So I shall bid you goodnight and i hope to dream of pricked pork sausages, back bacon, unsmoked, and maybe some fried mushrooms.
Goodnight one and all. Goodnight.
Happy Pancake Day
I had another good one. Day that is, not pancake. Although i had a good pancake too, but ill tell you about that all in good time.
Still been feeling headachy and slightly nauseous, so the lovely Lyn walked the dogs for me this morning, bless her cotton socks.
I had a clients nails and sugaring to do this morning, so after that i paid cheques into the bank, put quilts into the laundrette for a service wash, filled the car up with diesel, and visited Nurturing by Nature to find out if i fed the dogs raw food rather than dog food, would they have less wind etc!!! The answer was, 'probably, yes'.
Then to visit the Woods. Not the woods as in the forest, Val and Dave for lunch. Had a lovely time catching up, and a lovely lunch of salad nicoise followed by home made lemon sorbet. Scrummy.
Then a shattered me left for home.
After half hour of resting and i think possibly dozing off for 5 minutes, i was invited to me Lindas for a cuppa. I love visiting her. She does my heart good. So calm.
'Are you having pancakes?' she asked.
'Probably not' i replied.
'But you love lemons.'
She only whisked me up a couple of pancakes with lemon and sugar! She's like Nigella, a domestic goddess. And they were lovely too.
Now I'm at work, in bed, and looking forward to waking up and 'pitching up' at Marys house in Wimborne St Giles for a nice brekky with her. The reason i put 'pitching up', is because Mary always used to say, 'We pitched up at so and so' and it used to tickle me. Well i have no doubt i will be tickled tomorrow. Mary is one of my oldest friends. We trained as nurses together, and i could tell you some real stories about Mary. Stories of thermal vests, bell ringing and young farmers balls!!! But maybe thats for another blog.
So I shall bid you goodnight and i hope to dream of pricked pork sausages, back bacon, unsmoked, and maybe some fried mushrooms.
Goodnight one and all. Goodnight.
Monday, 3 March 2014
3.3.14
Was woken very early by the wind blowing wide the window that was just ajar.
I jumped out of bed to close it so the rain didn't blow in and i felt a tickling sensation running down my back.
'Not a spider' i hear you arachnophobes shouting. No it was my hair! I count myself fortunate that i started off with so much of the stuff. I don't seem to be losing it in any of the places that i want to. The places that i would pay handsomely to have it ripped out, if i didn't usually remove it myself of course.
Had a good day today. Did a bit of cleaning and quite enjoyed myself. Of course, it looks like a bombs hit it now until the next time i get a bit of energy.
Went food shopping and spent far too much, i blame Sam! Ive bought curries, salted crisps, and baked beans, my staple diet at the moment. And of course some fruity ice lollies for when my mouth feels odd.
Then home for some relaxation and a visit from Jenni before she went to Choir. I decided not to go cos i still feel a bit odd, headachy and of course the tummy ache that seems to be here to stay.
Now in bed watching some comedy on the tv.
Not much to report today.
Tomorrow however is gonna be full of breathtaking moments, of highs and lows, and earth shattering activities.
Watch this space!
Was woken very early by the wind blowing wide the window that was just ajar.
I jumped out of bed to close it so the rain didn't blow in and i felt a tickling sensation running down my back.
'Not a spider' i hear you arachnophobes shouting. No it was my hair! I count myself fortunate that i started off with so much of the stuff. I don't seem to be losing it in any of the places that i want to. The places that i would pay handsomely to have it ripped out, if i didn't usually remove it myself of course.
Had a good day today. Did a bit of cleaning and quite enjoyed myself. Of course, it looks like a bombs hit it now until the next time i get a bit of energy.
Went food shopping and spent far too much, i blame Sam! Ive bought curries, salted crisps, and baked beans, my staple diet at the moment. And of course some fruity ice lollies for when my mouth feels odd.
Then home for some relaxation and a visit from Jenni before she went to Choir. I decided not to go cos i still feel a bit odd, headachy and of course the tummy ache that seems to be here to stay.
Now in bed watching some comedy on the tv.
Not much to report today.
Tomorrow however is gonna be full of breathtaking moments, of highs and lows, and earth shattering activities.
Watch this space!
Sunday, 2 March 2014
2.3.14
Look at the date already. Wont be long till its july. Sorry to wish my life away, but july is near the end of my journey, and i really can't wait.
Not only that, but i hope for some better weather by then. Im fed up of sitting indoors and listening to the rain pitter pattering on the windows, something i used to like. But whilst I'm hibernating with various aches and pains going on in my body without so much of an invitation from me, id rather it were sunny.
Im in an in-between mood today.
I find this chemo has not only made me intolerant, but sensitive too.
When i say intolerant, i mean things annoy me, like people who shout, or people who drive in a less than ideal manner. Phone calls where people try to sell me stuff and people knocking at my door forcing me to run downstairs when I'm in the bath. And more obvious to me today, insensitive people who are not in touch with reality! I shan't go into any details, but I'm feeling better following a chat with an angel - not a real angel of course, but she sorted my head out for me and made me realise it wasn't my fault!
Thats where the sensitive comes in. Im not able to cope with my intolerance any more and find myself getting wound up by things that normally i would just ignore or swipe away like a hand to a mosquito. I really should try to ignore people who make silly comments and see them for what they are.
So my side effects are weird today. I have weird 'pains' and i use the word very loosely, all over my abdomen. I feel like it would be different lymph nodes that are inflamed. Im not sure they are, but thats what it feels like. And the worse ones are right down the middle from throat to belly button. I keep going hot and cold, again, in no serious way. No temperature. More like a hormonal thing. I have a mild headache, despite anti-inflammatories, and very very mild nausea. When nauseous, the thing that makes me feel better, as it was when i was pregnant, is to eat. Therefore i have had 3 digestives, half of a microwave meal and 2, and yes i did say 2, milk chocolate magnums, which also help with the weird feelings and taste in my mouth. I can't taste them in any good way, but i still feel its worth trying!!!
My lovely son is cooking me sausage, chips and a well cooked fried egg (not allowed the runny variety) with tomato sauce. Yes its not posh nosh, but i can taste it, something that doesn't happen very often these days.
Tomorrow i am going food shopping for the week and i feel quite a few curries will be bought. The other craving i have at the mo is tinned tomatoes. Maybe cos i watched 4 in a bed the other day and the northerners dished up tinned toms on their brekkies and the southerners dished up freshly grilled. As i was put out by the 'posh' comments of the southerners, i feel an empathy with the northerners. So tinned toms it is!
Anyway, it must be sausage and chips time. Bon appetit.
Look at the date already. Wont be long till its july. Sorry to wish my life away, but july is near the end of my journey, and i really can't wait.
Not only that, but i hope for some better weather by then. Im fed up of sitting indoors and listening to the rain pitter pattering on the windows, something i used to like. But whilst I'm hibernating with various aches and pains going on in my body without so much of an invitation from me, id rather it were sunny.
Im in an in-between mood today.
I find this chemo has not only made me intolerant, but sensitive too.
When i say intolerant, i mean things annoy me, like people who shout, or people who drive in a less than ideal manner. Phone calls where people try to sell me stuff and people knocking at my door forcing me to run downstairs when I'm in the bath. And more obvious to me today, insensitive people who are not in touch with reality! I shan't go into any details, but I'm feeling better following a chat with an angel - not a real angel of course, but she sorted my head out for me and made me realise it wasn't my fault!
Thats where the sensitive comes in. Im not able to cope with my intolerance any more and find myself getting wound up by things that normally i would just ignore or swipe away like a hand to a mosquito. I really should try to ignore people who make silly comments and see them for what they are.
So my side effects are weird today. I have weird 'pains' and i use the word very loosely, all over my abdomen. I feel like it would be different lymph nodes that are inflamed. Im not sure they are, but thats what it feels like. And the worse ones are right down the middle from throat to belly button. I keep going hot and cold, again, in no serious way. No temperature. More like a hormonal thing. I have a mild headache, despite anti-inflammatories, and very very mild nausea. When nauseous, the thing that makes me feel better, as it was when i was pregnant, is to eat. Therefore i have had 3 digestives, half of a microwave meal and 2, and yes i did say 2, milk chocolate magnums, which also help with the weird feelings and taste in my mouth. I can't taste them in any good way, but i still feel its worth trying!!!
My lovely son is cooking me sausage, chips and a well cooked fried egg (not allowed the runny variety) with tomato sauce. Yes its not posh nosh, but i can taste it, something that doesn't happen very often these days.
Tomorrow i am going food shopping for the week and i feel quite a few curries will be bought. The other craving i have at the mo is tinned tomatoes. Maybe cos i watched 4 in a bed the other day and the northerners dished up tinned toms on their brekkies and the southerners dished up freshly grilled. As i was put out by the 'posh' comments of the southerners, i feel an empathy with the northerners. So tinned toms it is!
Anyway, it must be sausage and chips time. Bon appetit.
Saturday, 1 March 2014
1.3.14
Ooh, ooh, ooh. I nearly forgot to blog.
I was having such a good day!
Woke up! What i do when i wake up, is to stop, think about it, how am i feeling?
I must say i had the 'mouth/teeth aching' symptom today. Its nothing too bad, not excruciating or anything. Just a bit weird really. A mild head ache too. So i took my tummy tablet and went downstairs in answer to Ruby crying at the bottom of the stairs.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. I nearly forgot to blog.
I was having such a good day!
Woke up! What i do when i wake up, is to stop, think about it, how am i feeling?
I must say i had the 'mouth/teeth aching' symptom today. Its nothing too bad, not excruciating or anything. Just a bit weird really. A mild head ache too. So i took my tummy tablet and went downstairs in answer to Ruby crying at the bottom of the stairs.
How can you tell that face off? She's such a cutie. She's been making me laugh a lot just lately over the Specsaver advert. The one where the shepherd/farmer has obviously bad eyes. He shears the sheep and then shears the sheepdog. Ruby cries the whole way through the advert. I even played it on YouTube on my laptop whilst she was sat on a friends lap. She recognised the music and jumped up and tried to watch it on the laptop. Of course, she cried all the way through, entertaining the friends i had round at the time.
And now I've put a photo of Ruby, i have to put Dottie on here too.
Here she is, and by the magic of photography ~ she's sitting still!!!
Anyway, i went downstairs, made a cup of hot water (yes, i still can't taste, or enjoy tea as i used to), and then back upstairs to relax with a banana and some digestive bickies.
Most mornings i chat with my new friend, Michael, or Mike. Who knows which? I chat with him on FB. He's been through HL, and had a rough time of it too, and he's been very supportive and helpful, and i appreciate his care. So i chatted with him for a bit and then decided, as it wasn't raining, i was gonna walk the dogs. All 3 of us had a lovely time. And even though they ran about more than me, i was more tired!
My lovely Linda rang and suggested she get some pizzas and her and her lovely hubby Ian come round and share them with me. Which they did. We sat in the summer house, the sun shone, the sky was blue and the daffodillies nodded in the breeze. These are the daffs that Linzi bought me and they were ready for planting in the garden. Yes....... I did some gardening!
Then Kerrie (Lindas girlie) joined us for a coffee (when Ruby did her party piece with the Specsavers ad).
So i had a lovely day, and now I'm watching The Voice.
And tomorrow is another day.
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