22.2.14
Ive had a lovely day. Its my 'good' weekend before number 3.
I walked the dogs with Linzi today. It was nice walking in the sun and not the rain.
On the way back to the car tho, i found my reading glasses that i lost 2 weeks ago!!! How weird is that? Covered in mud, and god knows what else - it is a dog walking area. They have been sanitised now and are ready for use, even tho i bought 2 new pairs during the week to compensate for my loss.
Then home for some brekky and a long soak in the bath before being picked up by Louise for lunch at the Captains Club at Christchurch.
As we waited to be seated I was just explaining to Louise that i went to a wonderful wedding there last year, when the bride (on a hen do) walked past. There are always so many coincidences in my life - its quite spooky.
Sat down and ordered food, they were very slow with the order. But did a good bit of people watching while we waited, as well as a lot of chatting.
I managed to see a school friend who sent her love to me via another school friend that visited me last week. Haven't seen her for years. Another school friend who i can't remember the name of but i recognised him instantly. And then, oh my goodness, a man who i went on a date with last year whilst on my trail for Mr Right. I remember i quite liked him until i sent him a message on the website the following day asking how he was. He obviously didn't realise who i was and started telling me he'd only been on the site a few days and had not met anyone yet. He liked my profile and thought i sounded very interesting. I couldn't help but giggle to myself - yet another ar*e. He argued black was white when i told him i had met him the day before. He assured me he was playing games with me, but i was having none of it. He texted and texted me for ages after, but i just lost interest. It didn't help that he told me his wife had thrown him out of the marital home and he had no idea why. It turned out he had had an affair - although he didn't class it as an affair!
It was not a surprise to see he was there with his old mother and not his new lady. Or was it his new lady...........?
This evening has been spent quietly, relaxing with my girls, popcorn and Tom Jones (the Voice), and dipping in and out of dating websites.
Tomorrow i will be visiting the boy (Chris) and all of his dogs. I must remember to not wear my best gear. Roast lamb is being cooked in my honour.
Now I'm off to bed to count sheep, hopefully not the one i will be eating tomorrow!
Saturday, 22 February 2014
Friday, 21 February 2014
21.2.14
Good evening.
Its nearly the weekend. Time to party!
Well i think thats exaggerating a bit but i have managed to fill the weekend with nice things prior to number 3.
I have a friend round tonight. Tomorrow I'm doing something with either Louise or Phil, not sure what and who yet. And then sunday roast lamb with Chris and Co.
So what excitement did i have today?
Marisa the Rat visited today. Yes I've been having problems with the rodent population. I had similar problems last year just after i moved in. The dear people i bought the house from decided it best not to tell me about the problem. I used to hear a rat the size of Nelly the Elephant running round the outside of my bedroom upstairs. He/she also wore hobnail boots. I don't like to kill anything but had no choice. Marisa came round and poisoned the dear little soul.
Maybe its karma. Maybe thats why I'm being poisoned every fortnight? Just a thought.
Well the stench in the kitchen was awful for about 3 weeks. It must have come down to the kitchen for a couple of panadol for its headache and was despatched under my floorboards.
Well again, i have visitors.
Marisa called round and had a check round the property and can't see where they could get in, so she's decided they're coming in from the drains!! A more costly exercise. It means a cctv camera being inserted into the drain to find any damage and then fix the problem. Could mean all the floors up. But should stop the patter of tiny feet, albeit tiny feet with Doc Martins.
I also decided it was high time i wash my hair today. It has started to drop like the leaves in autumn. At the moment its thinner than it was and possibly looking better. Usually i have fairly big hair, a bit like Justin Lee Collins. But i think by next weekend i may be wearing a wig. More Joan Collins and if she can do it, so can i!!!
Anyway, better try and make my curls behave a bit before friend arrives and takes pity on me.
Good evening.
Its nearly the weekend. Time to party!
Well i think thats exaggerating a bit but i have managed to fill the weekend with nice things prior to number 3.
I have a friend round tonight. Tomorrow I'm doing something with either Louise or Phil, not sure what and who yet. And then sunday roast lamb with Chris and Co.
So what excitement did i have today?
Marisa the Rat visited today. Yes I've been having problems with the rodent population. I had similar problems last year just after i moved in. The dear people i bought the house from decided it best not to tell me about the problem. I used to hear a rat the size of Nelly the Elephant running round the outside of my bedroom upstairs. He/she also wore hobnail boots. I don't like to kill anything but had no choice. Marisa came round and poisoned the dear little soul.
Maybe its karma. Maybe thats why I'm being poisoned every fortnight? Just a thought.
Well the stench in the kitchen was awful for about 3 weeks. It must have come down to the kitchen for a couple of panadol for its headache and was despatched under my floorboards.
Well again, i have visitors.
Marisa called round and had a check round the property and can't see where they could get in, so she's decided they're coming in from the drains!! A more costly exercise. It means a cctv camera being inserted into the drain to find any damage and then fix the problem. Could mean all the floors up. But should stop the patter of tiny feet, albeit tiny feet with Doc Martins.
I also decided it was high time i wash my hair today. It has started to drop like the leaves in autumn. At the moment its thinner than it was and possibly looking better. Usually i have fairly big hair, a bit like Justin Lee Collins. But i think by next weekend i may be wearing a wig. More Joan Collins and if she can do it, so can i!!!
Anyway, better try and make my curls behave a bit before friend arrives and takes pity on me.
Thursday, 20 February 2014
20.2.14
Hot date today!
Got myself dolled up - which means i didn't wash my hair cos if i wash it too much its more likely to fall out. A bit of slap. Best bib and tucker.
Met Jim and he's very nice. We chatted for nearly 2 hours with no awkward silences. It was nice to exchange chemo stories. Sounds like he had a horrid time with his chemo.
Its nice to be able to moult loads of stray hairs on my coat without a strange look. It seems feasible that he understands, being he's been through it himself.
Not sure when we'll get together again cos i have chemo next tuesday and I'm out of action for the following week, slumbering on the sofa with daytime TV, the remote control, a hot water bottle, a blanket and I'm thinking a bell would be good to ring for Sam if i need something. He'd love that!
Maybe the next week, all being well.
Now I'm back at work. My last night this week.
The weekend is jam packed with meals, company, outings, etc before number 3. I may even allow myself the luxury of washing the hair that I've managed to keep hold of.
Ive tried hard not to think of Pete (the boyfriend up til a couple of days ago), but can't help wondering how he's doing. I hate the thought that he's in pain and turmoil. And i do miss our twice daily conversations on Skype. But hey ho, its not to be.
Time to chill.
Hot date today!
Got myself dolled up - which means i didn't wash my hair cos if i wash it too much its more likely to fall out. A bit of slap. Best bib and tucker.
Met Jim and he's very nice. We chatted for nearly 2 hours with no awkward silences. It was nice to exchange chemo stories. Sounds like he had a horrid time with his chemo.
Its nice to be able to moult loads of stray hairs on my coat without a strange look. It seems feasible that he understands, being he's been through it himself.
Not sure when we'll get together again cos i have chemo next tuesday and I'm out of action for the following week, slumbering on the sofa with daytime TV, the remote control, a hot water bottle, a blanket and I'm thinking a bell would be good to ring for Sam if i need something. He'd love that!
Maybe the next week, all being well.
Now I'm back at work. My last night this week.
The weekend is jam packed with meals, company, outings, etc before number 3. I may even allow myself the luxury of washing the hair that I've managed to keep hold of.
Ive tried hard not to think of Pete (the boyfriend up til a couple of days ago), but can't help wondering how he's doing. I hate the thought that he's in pain and turmoil. And i do miss our twice daily conversations on Skype. But hey ho, its not to be.
Time to chill.
20.2.14
You know when you're on a diet, everything revolves around food. What you're having and when, any exercise is booked into a tight lifestyle. Clothes are thought of. Shall i wear black? Will that dress fit yet? And of course, 'does my bum look big in this?'
Well its similar for cancer and chemo. You have to plan things and give them more thought. I can't book that in next week cos i may be feeling rough. I need to take a days holiday cos thats chemo day. I need to wear something so they can get to my veins. I can't get into my jeans after all the steroids. I need to eat savoury food and make sure its either cooked or peeled.
Well its also quite strange that you forget things very quickly about chemo. In week 2 you forget how rough you felt. You forget the fact that you felt like you'd had a mouth full of salt all night giving you a strangely numb feeling. And that your teeth ache, very mildly, but they ache all the same. The headache. I suppose its your bodies way of coping and allowing you to start the next cycle without too much stress. Chemo brain helps you to forget it all.
My treatment plan is that i have 6 cycles of chemo. A cycle is 2 doses of chemo over 4 weeks. 2nd cycle starting next tuesday.
After my 4th dose (2nd cycle - its all so confusing. Why don't they just say you have 12 doses?), i get to have another PET scan. I have to wait 2 weeks after chemo and then i have to wait a week for the next chemo. Are you keeping up with all this? Im gonna ask questions later!
Well anyway, thats when i find out if the chemo is having any effect. Or better worded, what damage the chemo has done to my lymphoma!
Then i go on to cycle 3 - nearly half way through.
Its amazing how quickly it goes, and how our body copes with it.
After treatment is over and god willing you have a good result, you still have to be checked regularly. 3 monthly to start with i believe, and it carries on for years, which is good.
I think what I'm trying to say is, like the analogy to dieting, where you have to live with a food lifestyle to keep the weight off, you have to live with cancer in some way or other. You have to be vigilant without being paranoid. You have to plan things accordingly. A holiday booked in to fit with your next appointment or scan. You have to realise its had some effect on your body and you won't necessarily be able to do things you did before. You have to realise you won't get the support from all the lovely friends as you did when you were going through it, its unreasonable to think people will give you the amount of time and gifts you receive over your diagnosis and treatment. You will possibly get depressed or down after such a high feeling of being told you're in remission after the roller coaster that you've just been on.
This all seems quite daunting, but considering the amount of people who get some form of cancer, we should all learn that its not always as bad as you think. I know some people have a bad prognosis, and thats awful. But its something we should take on board is part of our lives. Its a normal these days. Positivity is good, and for me its been a help. Being nice to people is a must, no negative comments are necessary. This applies to people who aren't ill as well as to people who are ill. Its much nicer to stroke people rather than hurt them.
I really don't know where all this has come from this morning, but what I'm hoping is coming across is the fact that we should all try and live our lives to the fullest and be nice to each other.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. ~Author Unknown
You know when you're on a diet, everything revolves around food. What you're having and when, any exercise is booked into a tight lifestyle. Clothes are thought of. Shall i wear black? Will that dress fit yet? And of course, 'does my bum look big in this?'
Well its similar for cancer and chemo. You have to plan things and give them more thought. I can't book that in next week cos i may be feeling rough. I need to take a days holiday cos thats chemo day. I need to wear something so they can get to my veins. I can't get into my jeans after all the steroids. I need to eat savoury food and make sure its either cooked or peeled.
Well its also quite strange that you forget things very quickly about chemo. In week 2 you forget how rough you felt. You forget the fact that you felt like you'd had a mouth full of salt all night giving you a strangely numb feeling. And that your teeth ache, very mildly, but they ache all the same. The headache. I suppose its your bodies way of coping and allowing you to start the next cycle without too much stress. Chemo brain helps you to forget it all.
My treatment plan is that i have 6 cycles of chemo. A cycle is 2 doses of chemo over 4 weeks. 2nd cycle starting next tuesday.
After my 4th dose (2nd cycle - its all so confusing. Why don't they just say you have 12 doses?), i get to have another PET scan. I have to wait 2 weeks after chemo and then i have to wait a week for the next chemo. Are you keeping up with all this? Im gonna ask questions later!
Well anyway, thats when i find out if the chemo is having any effect. Or better worded, what damage the chemo has done to my lymphoma!
Then i go on to cycle 3 - nearly half way through.
Its amazing how quickly it goes, and how our body copes with it.
After treatment is over and god willing you have a good result, you still have to be checked regularly. 3 monthly to start with i believe, and it carries on for years, which is good.
I think what I'm trying to say is, like the analogy to dieting, where you have to live with a food lifestyle to keep the weight off, you have to live with cancer in some way or other. You have to be vigilant without being paranoid. You have to plan things accordingly. A holiday booked in to fit with your next appointment or scan. You have to realise its had some effect on your body and you won't necessarily be able to do things you did before. You have to realise you won't get the support from all the lovely friends as you did when you were going through it, its unreasonable to think people will give you the amount of time and gifts you receive over your diagnosis and treatment. You will possibly get depressed or down after such a high feeling of being told you're in remission after the roller coaster that you've just been on.
This all seems quite daunting, but considering the amount of people who get some form of cancer, we should all learn that its not always as bad as you think. I know some people have a bad prognosis, and thats awful. But its something we should take on board is part of our lives. Its a normal these days. Positivity is good, and for me its been a help. Being nice to people is a must, no negative comments are necessary. This applies to people who aren't ill as well as to people who are ill. Its much nicer to stroke people rather than hurt them.
I really don't know where all this has come from this morning, but what I'm hoping is coming across is the fact that we should all try and live our lives to the fullest and be nice to each other.
It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. ~Author Unknown
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
19.2.14
Part 2
He sent me a message after hours of waiting.
Hi jilly read all what you have written and again it makes me sad that you said you love me, please dont say that, i dont think i want to ever love again, i know what your saying and it makes me feel worse not better.
I am sorry its turned out like this but i know its for the best i cant give you the things you want and need.
I hope your not feeling too bad after your treatment, but try and forget me I am not worth it, I am cold and unloving inside
I want my wife back and it isnt ever going to happen, and like i said to you before it isnt fair to you telling you how i feel about my wife
Dont fight for me I am not worth it
How sad. He's in a dreadful place and i feel for him, but theres nothing i can do to help him. I just hope he finds some peace. I would wait for him, but i don't think he'd ever come back to me, he would probably feel to guilty for letting me down. He doesn't feel that way now cos he's in his own little snake pit of depression. But when he comes out the other side, he'll have guilt. Poor poor man.
On the positive side......
I decided to go back on the dating website to take my mind off my pain. I thought no one is gonna want to date a baldie (I'm not yet, but it seems imminent).
The first person i saw was a man i chatted to last year. We messaged each other a few times but that was all.
He is in remission from a blood cancer!!! Snap.
Started chatting and meeting him for coffee tomorrow. Who knows what will happen from this, but I'm not thinking about that. It will be nice to have a coffee and chat.
Off to bed. I need my beauty sleep.
Part 2
He sent me a message after hours of waiting.
Hi jilly read all what you have written and again it makes me sad that you said you love me, please dont say that, i dont think i want to ever love again, i know what your saying and it makes me feel worse not better.
I am sorry its turned out like this but i know its for the best i cant give you the things you want and need.
I hope your not feeling too bad after your treatment, but try and forget me I am not worth it, I am cold and unloving inside
I want my wife back and it isnt ever going to happen, and like i said to you before it isnt fair to you telling you how i feel about my wife
Dont fight for me I am not worth it
How sad. He's in a dreadful place and i feel for him, but theres nothing i can do to help him. I just hope he finds some peace. I would wait for him, but i don't think he'd ever come back to me, he would probably feel to guilty for letting me down. He doesn't feel that way now cos he's in his own little snake pit of depression. But when he comes out the other side, he'll have guilt. Poor poor man.
On the positive side......
I decided to go back on the dating website to take my mind off my pain. I thought no one is gonna want to date a baldie (I'm not yet, but it seems imminent).
The first person i saw was a man i chatted to last year. We messaged each other a few times but that was all.
He is in remission from a blood cancer!!! Snap.
Started chatting and meeting him for coffee tomorrow. Who knows what will happen from this, but I'm not thinking about that. It will be nice to have a coffee and chat.
Off to bed. I need my beauty sleep.
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
19.2.14
Sorry i missed a day again.
This time there was a good reason.
I feel so sad.
I have spent my life looking for a nice boyfriend. And last october 13th i found one. He's so lovely. Intelligent, wonderful sense of humour, caring, full of empathy, and a wonderful protective father.
We chat twice a day, 7am and 10pm, and we txt during the day sometimes. I see him most saturdays. He comes round, we go for dinner, then we sit with a bottle of Prosecco in front of the tv on my cuddle chair and we chat and giggle and kiss and cuddle. Its been lovely. He's put such a smile on my face.
I know its been difficult for him. He reluctantly told me about the horrendous time he had last year when his wife died. I feel for him and his family.
Since we've been together he's had even more bad family news. But i didn't realise how bad he was feeling. He never said.
Not last weekend, but the one before, we had such a wonderful weekend again. When he left i felt really happy and looked forward to the next time of seeing him. He was gonna send my Valentines card, cos he forgot it.
I received it and it put the biggest grin on my face.
Since my chemo its been every other weekend that I've seen him cos of various problems I've had to endure - I'm not gonna name names, but constipation etc!!! And i didn't want him to endure it as well!! If you get me?
But imagine to my horror when he stopped talking to me.
I imagined everything. He was depressed, a family member was in trouble, he was in hospital, he was found hanging!!! My minds list was endless.
Well after sending him txts asking if he was ok, he replied with ' No I'm very sad about everything and not in the right frame of mind to chat, sorry.'
Well at least i knew. Id give him some time and wait for him to feel a bit better and we'd carry on the wonderful times we have together. We even talked about a holiday after my chemo.
I continued to send supportive txts. But yesterday i received a letter through the post. My heart sank. Here it is...... Dear John, or the female equivalent.
It was a nice letter saying how he was struggling badly with the loss of his wife, and how he couldn't bear to see me suffer. He knew i was putting a brave face on things but he knew i was having a hard time. Well if you've read my blog, I've put the things i have found problem with, but its certainly no tale of doom and gloom. My journey has been enlightening, albeit id rather not go through it, i have had some fun along the way. And in a strange way, its almost been cathartic.
Well he didn't say its over. He said he didn't want me to hate him and what would i think of him. Well of course i don't hate him. Im very understanding and tolerant, despite my blog about becoming intolerant! Thats with phone calls and drivers etc, not someone who's been through the mill and back.
Well i txted him immediately to set his mind at rest. I suggested we find coping strategies. I said i didn't want to lose him. All the things we share, the good times.
I sent a longer response on Skype which he said he would read, 'but its not that simple'. I presume that was in response to my txt. Well that did it. I realised it wasn't gonna be easy to talk him round.
So at 3am i sent another round of artillery on Skype.
I have no idea if he read the first message and i don't know if he's read the second. If he has, he's not told me. And he certainly hasn't replied to the bit when i said, 'please let me know if we can be together or not!'
My gut feeling is - its over. He can't cope with it. But if I'm not in his life, will he feel better? I doubt that, not cos I'm blowing my own trumpet, but cos we had fun, and if you have fun it lessens your pain a little.
So i apologise for the lack of humour in my normally humorous blog, but the sentiment just isn't there today.
However, tomorrow, normal service will be resumed. I promise.
Sorry i missed a day again.
This time there was a good reason.
I feel so sad.
I have spent my life looking for a nice boyfriend. And last october 13th i found one. He's so lovely. Intelligent, wonderful sense of humour, caring, full of empathy, and a wonderful protective father.
We chat twice a day, 7am and 10pm, and we txt during the day sometimes. I see him most saturdays. He comes round, we go for dinner, then we sit with a bottle of Prosecco in front of the tv on my cuddle chair and we chat and giggle and kiss and cuddle. Its been lovely. He's put such a smile on my face.
I know its been difficult for him. He reluctantly told me about the horrendous time he had last year when his wife died. I feel for him and his family.
Since we've been together he's had even more bad family news. But i didn't realise how bad he was feeling. He never said.
Not last weekend, but the one before, we had such a wonderful weekend again. When he left i felt really happy and looked forward to the next time of seeing him. He was gonna send my Valentines card, cos he forgot it.
I received it and it put the biggest grin on my face.
Since my chemo its been every other weekend that I've seen him cos of various problems I've had to endure - I'm not gonna name names, but constipation etc!!! And i didn't want him to endure it as well!! If you get me?
But imagine to my horror when he stopped talking to me.
I imagined everything. He was depressed, a family member was in trouble, he was in hospital, he was found hanging!!! My minds list was endless.
Well after sending him txts asking if he was ok, he replied with ' No I'm very sad about everything and not in the right frame of mind to chat, sorry.'
Well at least i knew. Id give him some time and wait for him to feel a bit better and we'd carry on the wonderful times we have together. We even talked about a holiday after my chemo.
I continued to send supportive txts. But yesterday i received a letter through the post. My heart sank. Here it is...... Dear John, or the female equivalent.
It was a nice letter saying how he was struggling badly with the loss of his wife, and how he couldn't bear to see me suffer. He knew i was putting a brave face on things but he knew i was having a hard time. Well if you've read my blog, I've put the things i have found problem with, but its certainly no tale of doom and gloom. My journey has been enlightening, albeit id rather not go through it, i have had some fun along the way. And in a strange way, its almost been cathartic.
Well he didn't say its over. He said he didn't want me to hate him and what would i think of him. Well of course i don't hate him. Im very understanding and tolerant, despite my blog about becoming intolerant! Thats with phone calls and drivers etc, not someone who's been through the mill and back.
Well i txted him immediately to set his mind at rest. I suggested we find coping strategies. I said i didn't want to lose him. All the things we share, the good times.
I sent a longer response on Skype which he said he would read, 'but its not that simple'. I presume that was in response to my txt. Well that did it. I realised it wasn't gonna be easy to talk him round.
So at 3am i sent another round of artillery on Skype.
I have no idea if he read the first message and i don't know if he's read the second. If he has, he's not told me. And he certainly hasn't replied to the bit when i said, 'please let me know if we can be together or not!'
My gut feeling is - its over. He can't cope with it. But if I'm not in his life, will he feel better? I doubt that, not cos I'm blowing my own trumpet, but cos we had fun, and if you have fun it lessens your pain a little.
So i apologise for the lack of humour in my normally humorous blog, but the sentiment just isn't there today.
However, tomorrow, normal service will be resumed. I promise.
Monday, 17 February 2014
17.2.14
Just realised i haven't visited my blog today so I'm here rushing to fill the page with some witty, interesting stuff!
Well I've got a prime subject to talk about.
Forgetfulness!!!
I have noticed BC (before chemo) that i was forgetful and i had a habit of blaming it on the menopause. Im sure the dwindling hormones were the cause of my inability to retain anything of any importance. But strange how i could remember every little bit of an argument i had with my boyfriend!
Well now i am able to blame it on Chemo Brain. Apparently its real. All the poisons they're pumping into my body in the name of survival, is knocking off my brain cells so much that i forget the simplest of things.
For instance, i was gonna do a long list of the things that I've forgotten since i started, but strangely, Ive forgotten!
See what i did there?
Just realised i haven't visited my blog today so I'm here rushing to fill the page with some witty, interesting stuff!
Well I've got a prime subject to talk about.
Forgetfulness!!!
I have noticed BC (before chemo) that i was forgetful and i had a habit of blaming it on the menopause. Im sure the dwindling hormones were the cause of my inability to retain anything of any importance. But strange how i could remember every little bit of an argument i had with my boyfriend!
Well now i am able to blame it on Chemo Brain. Apparently its real. All the poisons they're pumping into my body in the name of survival, is knocking off my brain cells so much that i forget the simplest of things.
For instance, i was gonna do a long list of the things that I've forgotten since i started, but strangely, Ive forgotten!
See what i did there?
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