8.2.14

Hi y'all.
Just to let you know I've had a busy day making shortbread hearts covered with fondant icing and chocolate for a certain someone for Valentines day. Wont be seeing him onValentines day, so tonight's the night. Im cooking him dinner and then i'll present him with these babies.

I found the best recipe i could on line, did the shopping and got all the ingredients and I've spent all morning making them, cooking them and decorating them. They have little bits of freeze-dried raspberries on them and they look really pretty. The trouble is the taste! Ive had one or two!!!!!! They don't taste of anything. Ive been trying to think what I've done wrong. Its sposed to be the best recipe. I used all the best ingredients.

In the end i decided to try them out on Sam, my middle son. He says they're lovely!

How many times do i have to go through eating stuff and thinking its tasteless, only to remember  5 minutes after........My taste buds don't work!

Anyway, gotta dash. I got a hot date.

7.2.14

Id like to apologise for missing a day. Luckily its for good reason. Ive had nothing of any interest to write, not cos I've been ill!!!
Yesterday I worked in the morning. Actually i worked tuesday wednesday and thursday night duty, but i don't count that as work cos i get to sleep most of the night. So thursday i worked in my treatment room, sugaring, hair removal and gellux nails. I enjoyed it cos its a bit like a coffee morning, but without the coffee! Coffee was offered,  but refused. Maybe trying to drink hot coffee whilst laying down on a couch isn't such a good idea.
Then my oldest son arrived armed with a homemade lasagne and with a dose of humour for me. We had a giggle.  Is there such a thing as laughter therapy? I think it should be available on prescription.
I do have one little problem that I'm loathe to talk about but feel its my duty.
Remember a few blogs back i mentioned how i was having difficulty 'going'? Now I'm having difficulty 'not going'. Maybe its unintentionally self induced by taking too much of the medicine that i was prescribed. But its all a learning curve.
I will be more aware when my next chemo comes around.
Today has been another good day. I went out with Linda this morning and bought a car! I do not intend doing this after every session of chemo, i might add.
I have been whinging and going about my car for far too long. I like something different and the one i have is so boring. So what have you brought i hear you all shout.

This is my new Ford Fiesta Titanium. Possible to be called FiFi. She's so pretty. I pick her up on monday if they've finished beautifying her. If not, thursday. Its something to look forward to after my chemo. 

The other thing to look forward to when i return to the garage to collect FiFi is .........Nigel. Beautiful, dark-skinned, friendly, hot, Nigel. Linda and i both sat dribbling while he encouraged me to buy this insurance and that insurance. He asked me for my phone number. Linda assures me it was just a formality. I think its just sour grapes on her part!

Then a visit from Tracy, an old school friend. Well she's not that old really, same age as me! She came bearing gifts. Beautiful tulips, some lovely smellies for a soak in the bath and lemon muffins. She also found some photo booth photos from the school era which she decided to bring and frighten me with. "Im gonna put them on Facebook." Which is the unfriend button?

The day was finished off by me doing a food shop. Yes i have the energy to do the food shopping at the moment. Its great. And so nice to be able to arrange to meet Linda at the supermarket for a cup of tea. "Where are you?" I hear her sweet voice on my phone. "Meet me by the entrance."

I stand and wait, watching the flotsam and jetsam go by. 

Shame she was at Alder Hills and I was Castle Point. The best made plans and all that.......

5.2.14

As a girlie I've spent my early teenage years onwards being interested in hair and makeup, clothes and boys. No different to todays girlies.
But it is different. Today they have so many more pressures. Not natural pressures, man made pressures. The ones that encourage them to be perfect. Perfect boobs, perfect hair, perfect clothes and makeup, and those unbelievably ridiculous eyebrows and eyelashes that are fashionable at the mo.
Why can't girls look like girls any more instead of looking like blow up dolls?
I saw a documentary a few years back where the boys were given 20 photos of boobs. Only one photo was of a natural pair. The rest were all silicone implants. Not one boy chose the natural pair as his favourite. They all went for the 'perfect' pair.
The girls who are unable to look 'perfect' have such low self esteem, leading to pain and suffering, mental illness, and a life of upset cos they're 'not good enough'.
The reason I'm blogging about this was something i saw on TV that hit a nerve.
I think it was Lorraine Kelly on GMTV doing some article on flat stomachs, exercise, bikini diets etc. I like Lorraine. I think she's a decent person. But she has to do what is popular and 'en vogue'. Thats what she's there for.
So much effort is put into looking good. I know we all have some pride and want to do our best, but people are going the extra mile these days for everything. Why should tv stars and presenters have to indulge in cosmetic surgeries just so they can stay looking good enough for TV. If they have a wrinkle, God forbid, they're thrown on the scrap heap.
Ive already mentioned the eyebrows and eyelashes, but theres nails which cause problems. Filing down nails to put chemicals on them cannot be good for you. Filing the chemicals off again till the nail is smooth is definitely not good for you. Yes they look lovely, if you like completely unnatural looking nails.
Hair extensions, stripping, dyeing, treatments, straightening, curling, perming.
Teeth are another one. Whitening, brightening, straightening, veneers. I can't help but think of Ross on Friends when he over whitened and they shone so bright when the lights were off.
Botox. Who in their right mind would inject poison into their face to paralyse muscles? Lots and lots of men and women. All so they don't have wrinkles or any expression. And the recipients are getting younger and younger. It used to be women of 50 something. Now its teenagers.
Surgery. Face lifts, boob jobs, nose jobs, butt jobs, and various other surgeries. All to make ourselves perfect. Perfect for who? The opposite sex? Ourselves?
All of this stuff includes the use of chemicals. What causes the rising numbers of cancer these days? Many causes. Genetic, diet (maybe chemicals in the diet), being overweight, smoking (chemicals in cigarettes), the sun, radiation, to name but a few.  Im no expert but I'm sure some of our problem is from using unneccesary chemicals. And what are the young people of today encouraged to do? Use more chemicals.
So maybe we should be spreading the word. Instead of worrying about a flat stomach, and trying to squeeze into that little black dress, or getting an itsy bitsy bikini. Instead of making our nails look perfect or ironing away a wrinkle or two, we should be trying to hold onto the hair that is likely to fall out when we have chemotherapy for our new cancer. I think thats far more important than a flat stomach.

4.2.14

Today i am attempting to do something I'm not used to doing. Its very technical and i don't hold out much hope. But i'll give it my best shot.

I am feeling happier. The 'eagle hasn't landed' yet, if you get me!!! But for some strange reason I'm feeling better. 

Monday night for me is Rock Choir night. Its a night full of fun, singing, laughter and meeting with some great people. Jenny Deacon is my Rock Choir leader. She's amazing. She's makes me laugh, she makes everyone laugh actually. She's spontaneous, and open. She has a lovely voice and she's so talented, and she's not too shabby in the looks department either! She's one of the reasons i go to choir. The other reason is Jenni, another Jenny but with an i! She's young enough to be my daughter, but i have the same mental age as her, 14! No actually she's in her 20's but she acts a lot younger. She also makes me laugh and i sit next to her at choir. If i didn't sit next to her i may not be as keen to go. And she knows this cos a few months ago i didn't sit next to her and i got in a strop! Jenni is as gorgeous as Jenny, and i know they both model themselves on me!!!

Anyway, Rock Choir has made me happy for the last couple of years. I go there and sing my heart out with me Jenni, and we do concerts and raise money for charity. For the last 2 weeks I've been unable to go to choir cos I've felt ill. Jenni sent me some clips of them singing with her own little bit added to it, which made me laugh out loud, followed by a sobbing session!! I quickly played it again and laughed again. Last night she sent me some more clips. One ended with 'boom shackalacka thats how its done mother f***er'. She always manages to make me smile.

Next week I'm hoping to go and sing. 

Today i feel a lot better so i thought id sing a bit. I know it frightens the dogs a bit,  but i throw caution to the wind.

So i managed to record myself and I've managed to download it onto my blog. When i click on 'publish' though, I'm not sure it will work. So fingers crossed.

3.2.14

I really feel i have to tell you what sort of a weekend I've had. Its not gonna be pretty. Make yourself a cup of tea and pull up a chair.
Constipation.  I didn't wanna talk about it. I thought i could ignore it on my blog. But if I'm gonna be honest, i have to go there!
I was hoping by last friday i would have recovered from the chemo enough to carry on with my life until the next lot, due on the 11th feb. However, the constipation fairy must have been on holiday cos she wasn't here to help me.
I noticed that i was going 'that way' and tried to take steps towards damage limitation. The steps had an effect, but not a good enough effect. I felt myself getting more and more bloated as the days went on. It was as if someone had turned off my digestive system. Its given me an awful headache which has also led to my teeth aching.
It seems this is a regular visitor to people going through chemo. I wish i had been made more aware. It was mentioned when i had chemo, but in a way that suggested its a possibility, along with nausea, vomiting, headaches, feeling exhausted, hair loss, anaemia, skin and nail changes, memory loss, etc etc etc
Ive tried to do my bit. Drinking lots of water, eating veg, and trying to be as mobile as possible. But to no avail. I have still succumbed to the bowel devil.
So last night, OMG. I hit very hard rock bottom (do you see what i did there?). Not having visited the smallest room for at least 24 hours, i found myself feeling nauseous, my head was banging, and i didn't know what to do with myself. I took myself to bed, intermittently putting a hot water bottle on my tummy and then taking it off again cos it made me feel worse. I was up and down to the loo, not to sit on, but to hang over. Maybe if i was sick id feel better. But i couldn't even do that. I eventually fell asleep and woke at 2am. Feeling a fair bit better, but wide awake.
Today I and my constant antagonist, Mr Headache, have visited the GP. She has given me some 'stuff' to help. I have taken the stuff and now await its result.
I do apologise for this topic of conversation, and i hope you have already had your breakfast.
I have had a couple of ginger biscuits for my breakfast cos I'm petrified of that full bloated feeling that I've had since last monday. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

2.2.14

I thought of something funny just now!
Im sposed to be a bright intelligent person!! But how many times do i see a magpie and salute it? Ive even got to the point where i try to do it so no one notices what I'm doing. A little flick of the hand as i look furtively around to check no one's seen. Thats more for the benefit of my sons, and the oldest in particular. If I'm driving and i salute a magpie, Chris slowly turns to look at me as if i have escaped from the nearest nuthouse. The look on his face can make me wish the ground would open up. For goodness sake - he is the person he is cos i taught him, and yet he looks down on me as if he is my father. Ive changed his nappies - yet i feel like a silly little schoolgirl giggling over a boy.
Well, as i was saying, i thought of something funny. I was walking the dogs the other day and i saw a magpie. I searched around the area looking for magpie number 2. They always come in 2's. If i only see one, theres a frantic dash round to find its partner. Cos we all know what one magpie means?
One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for a girl and
Four for a boy.
If i only see one, its trouble. I will spend the next 20 mins wondering what beholds my fate. I only worry for 20 mins cos by that time I've forgotten and move onto the next exciting thought to enter my head. My concentration span is not what it used to be.
I clock number 2. Hallelujah. I check to see theres nobody around, and i salute both of the black and white crows. My work is done. I can relax and enjoy my walk safe in the knowledge - Ive seen 2 magpies!
I do enjoy my dog walks. I get to think about things in a relaxed fashion. My cogs whirr whilst i walk and i sort out some of the issues in my head. Like the indigestion i have. Maybe i should mention it to the doctor next time i see him, or my back ache, which seems to be better at the mo. The fact that i feel bloated, which is so uncomfortable.
I walk from the woods up to the large green field where the dogs usually run manically. More magpies. Again i start to count. I have to go through the rigmarole every time i see one of the blighters. One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl and four for a boy.
Oh holy mother of Mary. I don't have lymphoma, I'm pregnant!

1.2.14

Pinch and a punch for the first day of the month. 

Happy february. I can say that cos I'm feeling good today. Good maybe exaggerating slightly but everyday I'm feeling a bit better.

So what am i gonna whinge about today? Nothing. Im feeling happy. The sun is shining (although not for long apparently), I've walked the dogs, I've had a cooked brekky. I know, i said i wouldn't today, but food has become a bit of a crutch for me. When i eat, i feel better. I wonder what all the psychiatrists and psychologists would say about that? All to do with my upbringing no doubt, or maybe when i was in the womb.

The other thing I've realised is that if i sat on my bum all day i feel worse. When i get up and do stuff i feel better. Im thinking of combining the two. Walk around and eat all day, simultaneously.
Now I'm feeling a bit better I'm gonna do a few chores. Not the everyday chores that we all do, I've had to do them anyway unless i can convince Sam its in his best interest to do them for me. And to be fair he has been a great help. But today i am gonna climb a mountain! No not something covered with snow with clampons scattered about, Mount Filing. It will make me happy to know i have no loose papers flapping about my filing cabinet. I also have a vase of flowers from Sharon and Chloe that are still going strong that need a few tatty ones chucking out.

So before i change my mind, I'm gonna go do my chores. 

In a while, crocodile.