11.2.15

The negativity i wrote about yesterday...... anxiety and paranoia, its evil!
Not only does it cause the owner to feel fear amongst other things, it can ruin relationships.
When you've been through the turmoil of chemo, you have time to sit around and stew about things that normally would go unnoticed.
Everything seems magnified. Not only do you worry about your future, but your present seems unsteady and unstable.
What will happen today? Will it be good or bad? Relapse, joint pain, a silly incident that will wind you up. Will i cope ok or do i need some happy pills?
You can't help but be consumed with everything. You have expectations which undoubtedly will be unfulfilled.
Like having a child, you look forward to the milestones. First words, first few steps, first wee in the toilet, etc = first time you're in remission, first holiday, first christmas.
You expect it to be amazing. You've spent a length of time longing for chemo to be over, to be free of IT, to be able to live your life which has been threatened. Its all bound to be amazing. Isn't it?
Imagine the heartbreak of the letdown.
Christmas and holidays are the same as they've always been. Some good bits and some not so good.
But relationships.....
Not only do YOU have emotional issues, so do your relationships. Its not just you feeling bad, sad, scared, etc. Your loved ones do too.
But most people, i think, tend to think they deserve some preferential treatment after what they've just been through. They've been ill, and could be again. They've had a diagnosis and a  treatment plan, and if they don't have the treatment, they'll die. Thats a pretty big thing to live with. Our whole lives are full of us trying to stay alive, dodging buses, dieting, giving up smoking or not drinking too much. Trying not to damage ourselves.
And our treatment does just that. It damages us. Not only have we had the cancer, but we are warned it could come back, and even if it doesn't, you could get another cancer cos of the treatment.
Its no wonder theres a part of us that becomes a nutter.
A remission nutter! Wishing to get back to normal, but frightened of whats next.
This can't be healthy, especially in our relationships.
Who can understand what we've been through?
Nobody, unless they've been through it.
So excuse us if we have issues.

10.2.15

Hello. Its been a while.
Ive been carrying on my fight with weight gain, and losing the battle. Apparently, according to Magda at the leisure centre, I'm eating too much fruit.
Sugar = insulin = weight gain!
Surely a banana and grapes is better than a biscuit or two!!! Or a slice of cake???
So I've been aquarobicing 2 or 3 times a week. Ive been walking the dogs with Lyn in the morning, and really trying hard to stay active.
Theres one thing tho. Anxiety and paranoia! Although that is 2 things! My maths has never been good.
I see photos on FB of lymphoma patients holding up placards saying, 'Im kicking cancers ass!' and 'last chemo' and they look so happy.
I remember that time. I was so elated the day i finished. I rang the bell and cried a bit, trying hard not to, cos it was embarrassing!
So what happened between that elation and now?
Realisation happened.
I was in remission then, but who knows where i am now? I may be in remission, i may not. Thats today. Tomorrow, i may be in remission, i may not. Thursday, friday, saturday, march, april......i may be in remission, i may not. You never know if its back, you never know if its gonna come back.
Its called living life on the edge!
So i feel sorry when i see these wonderful photos. Photos of brave people who think their battle is won. Reality will dawn on you soon.
Oh god that sounds so depressing and so defeatist.
But what if we never had lymphoma? We all stand a chance of getting the big C. At least, id like to think, I'm being 'watched'.
Am i luckier than the others who haven't tasted the fear yet?
I feel the need to say don't worry! To cancel out the negativity that I've just written. Each day brings us closer to better treatments and cures. I think its the case that we'll have to live with cancer in our lives. It will become more normal and hopefully less frightening.
And i really don't wanna ruin that wonderful moment for victors who win their battles.
Many people who have won, stay the victors for a long time and even for ever. We just need to show more courage and continue to live our lives without the stress of relapse hanging over us.
Those are the true winners.